The Rock Star From Mars

Charlie Sheen has been an interesting person to follow. He’s a very talented actor who possesses a passion for his work and play.  However, he’s also made some very poor decisions, hurting myself and others in the process. He’s riding a roller coaster.  But the name of that beast of a roller coaster isn’t known for sure. Some people suggest he has bipolar disorder and his wild ups and downs do strongly support this claim. 

However, his acknowledged struggle with substance abuse could also be responsible for his erratic behaviour.  Until he recovers from his addictions and lives clean and sober, mental health professionals will not be able to accurately assess his mental health. 

I’m reserving my judgment. I’m in no position to assess him. He’s just a guy I hear about on TV.   What do I really know about him in all honesty?  Yet, if what I’ve seen and heard about him is based on truth, my gut feeling is that he’s dealing with a co-morbidity of mental illness and substance abuse.  Its extremely common for many manic depressives to self-medicate. 

So why am I talking about Charlie Sheen tonight? 

Well, I’ve seen a lot of Charlie Sheen over the past few days.   The media has been building up a lot of hype over his characters death and replacement on ‘Two and a Half Men’. This had to be a sore-spot for him. He was one of the highest paid actors on TV, then in an instant he lost it all. Unemployed and unappreciated for acting out the truth as he saw it.  Bridges were burnt and names were called, never to be forgotten. 

In addition to the stress of the above event, he also made a show-stopping appearance on the Emmy awards, in front of the entire TV industry and common audience viewers alike, nearly the entire western world, dare I say.  That has to be an intense experience for someone, no matter what their status is.  

Finally, since events seem to naturally come in 3’s, he endured another assault - his Comedy Central Roast. I find these roasts to be intense, nasty and full of hits below the belt.  Many of his darkest moments were mocked publicly and I expect hard for him to discuss publicly.  But since each roaster ended with a hug it had to be taken in good humor, I’m sure...it must.  

      

Its not unusual for an actor to appear on TV for 3 big events in a row.  Its part of the business I expect.  However, I noticed something unusual about Charlie during this big week which concerns me.  Instead of the erratic, wild, unpredictable Charlie that people have become fascinated with (similar to how some enjoy watching a train wreck unfold in front of them), he was calm, cool and collected. He also appeared sincerely apologetic, resolved and wanting to make amends for his bad behaviour.  These are healthy actions in the grand scheme of things.  And probably necessary for him to heal his wounds. 

The thing that stands out to me is that these significant behavioural changes usually indicate a shift in thought process and a clearing of the conscious. At the Emmy’s he clearly wanted to end the dispute and any vindictiveness.  The following day, he watched his TV persona, Charlie Harper, brutally killed off, cursed through his eulogy, cremated and then replaced by another man.  Finally, that same evening he endured a brutal roasting of his life, both public and private moments, forcing him to re-live some of his darkest moments.  Incredibly, he did it all which such grace and acceptance. The beast was leashed, tamed and no longer had that wild look in his eyes.  This was a different Charlie standing before us.  

I have 2 conflicting explanations for this change - optimistic and pessimistic. 

Optimistically, it appears (to me) that he is no longer manic and seeking some professional help.  His public appearances, words spoken and well kept composure throughout this week felt like he wanted to turn over a new leaf and be a better person.  A transformation is happening and he wants to start fresh, both professionally and personally.  I really hope this is the case.  He needs to do this if he wants to re-establish his career, trust and respect from others. 

Pessimistically, I’m worried that he’s acting like someone who is seriously contemplating suicide.  The death of his TV persona, ironically being replaced by a suicidal character that same episode, is an intense experience to endure, which must of made him ponder his own mortality.  I can’t help but point out the foreshadowing I noticed as well.  Not just in the Two and a Half Men episode, but also during the roast when Seth McFarlane opened the show rather ominously, by comparing him with the late Amy Winehouse.  These events can practically convince someone struggling with depression, that its the right time to die.  All while hiding it behind a brave face. 

But what concerns me most, are the public apologies he made, the calm acceptance of his bad behaviour, and his making amendments to clear his conscious, that set off the warning bells for me.  If he is indeed bipolar, then his recent manic behaviour seems to have come to its conclusion. Most people would see this as a positive step, but sadly most suffering with bipolar disorder don’t simply shift to neutral.  Untreated, they frequently crash hard into depression.  Its incredibly devastating when you finally realize the mess you made of your life, the people you’ve hurt along the way.   If the depression goes unrecognized and untreated, complete despair can envelope you.  Suicide suddenly seems like a rational way to end the hell. It might be difficult for most people to understand, but once you decide that you’re going to kill yourself, a sense of relief finally overcomes you.  Its nice, a sign you made the right choice.  Nothing they say is going to bother you now.  Much like Charlie’s relaxed and accepting body language during the roast.  You say your good byes, make your apologies, and make peace with those you’ve hurt, e.g. his apology and well wishes at the Emmy’s.  The loose ends are tied up and now you can rest in peace. 

I know this vicious cycle, its behavioural pattern and its warning signs.  If I knew Charlie personally, I would be on his door step right now checking in on him, but I don’t, so I can’t.  Instead I find myself writing this blog for him.  It feels like the least I could do.

Anyway, I really really hope I’ve misinterpreted his actions this past week, but I can’t shake this unsettling feeling, obvious and eerie, that he’s headed for a bad place.  

I hope the rock star from Mars stays with us for a little while longer. 

Unexpected Adaptations

Working as an escort has affected many aspects of my life. Some of these I’ve anticipated and prepared for, but there are others that have taken me by surprise.  Going into this line of work I knew that I would have to make lots of excuses about my work schedule and social commitments, however, there were a couple small things that have actually induced unexpected behavioural adaptations I’ve noticed about myself that have come as a surprise.  While I still consider myself a normal young woman - one who frets over jeans shopping and visits with her family each holiday weekend - I’ve undeniably changed, albeit subtlety, in several ways. Same, same but different, as they say.  

I’m writing this blog mainly to sort out my thoughts on this issue (writing helps me think) but also to let you have a peak inside a mind that this just a little bit off the beaten track (if you care to look).  There’s more going on in my mind than nightmares.  

Specifically, I’ve noticed that two of the most mundane and routine occurrences in life have been significantly altered, so much that I’ve changed my normal reactions to them. They are:

1. Unexpected knocks on my door
2. Where I fall asleep at night

I see clients by appointment only.  Naturally I like to look my best when I entertain guests. However, once someone visits my incall location they know my address and suite number.  If they slip in the front door on the condo behind someone else there is nothing preventing them from ending up at my door in the future.  I can’t stand the thought of this. I’m always double checking the lock on my door, and if someone unexpectedly knocks on my door I never know what to expect and I experience both annoyance and anxiousness. Is it a rogue client? concierge? elections Canada? a friend?  Each person requires a different head space, outfit & make-up, level of apt tidiness, and so forth, you get the picture. 

Years ago if someone knocked on my door unexpectedly, or even early for that matter, it wasn’t a big deal to me, but after escorting for a couple years my reaction has changed to this simple ordinary part of life.  I now ask & expect everybody to let me know in advance when they’re coming by, and to call/text me when they’re on their way.  I don’t like to be surprised.  It really bothers me now more than ever.  This can be viewed from two viewpoints of course.  Its a positive trait that I always want to make a good impression, but maybe negative that I worry about trouble dropping by. 

The second behavioural modification I’ve noticed is that I rarely sleep in my bed anymore.  I almost always fall asleep on my couch/futon every night now that I’ve become a full time escort.  I think there are 3 reasons for this.

  

The main reason by far, is that since I use the bed for work I need it to be presentable.  The sheets always need to be clean, unwrinkled and tidy.  The duvet is unnecessary, thus tucked away, folded neatly under the bed, not on top where normal people keep theirs. After I’ve made my bed to my liking I don’t like ruining how it looks - the pillows fluffed, bed-sheets tucked taunt, free of drool stains and wrinkles; fresh, clean and inviting. So I’ve found myself night after night falling asleep on the couch cuddled with my fleece blanket, rather then enduring the hassle of making it all over again.

I never realized that I’d changed my sleeping habits so drastically until the time I had a house guest stay at my condo for a few days.  Despite my insistence, she demanded that I sleep in my own bed. Ironically, she felt the couch would be uncomfortable for me. She didn’t want to inconvenience me.  It was easier not to argue the matter, so I slept soundly yet oddly in my own bed those 3 nights.  It felt so strange to have a full nights sleep in my own bed again. For several nights in a row no less.  Thinking about it then, I realized in the past year I’ve probably sleep a total of 2 weeks in my bed proper, and the rest of the year, 50 weeks, sleeping on the futon-couch.  It completely snuck up on me how I’d changed my sleeping habits.  The little things are always harder to notice.  Like gaining weight or growing out your hair. You need someone else to help you see what’s right in front of you.  

When I moved into my new condo I invested in a nice futon/couch. Its my most expensive piece of furniture and well worth it.  I wonder if Sealy or Serta make higher end mattresses for futons? I would definitely be interested in that!  I spend so much time on it.   I never realized these things when I bought it, but it makes sense to me now.  

Another reason I found myself sleeping on the couch/futon instead of my bed was due to the reaction of a guy I used to date.  He knew I was an escort and was OK with that.  He’d sleep with me, but he never wanted to sleep in the bed that I used for work.  Even if I laid fresh sheets down, still warm from the dryer, he had a mental barrier that could not be torn down.  Whenever he spent the night he insisted on sleeping on the futon.  I didn’t care either way which place I slept, but I was surprised that he cared so much (quite adamantly in fact).  His reaction, no, more accurately, the reasoning behind his reaction I discovered, was quite different from mine.  I didn’t sleep in my bed because of laziness (there’s some irony for you), simply put I just didn’t want to make it up again. While I viewed it as an inconvenience, he viewed the bed as tainted.  I find it odd he only felt that way about the master-bed, not its owner.  He respected me and never made me feel tainted for escorting (it was a nice relationship while it lasted).  I guess I don’t understand why the bed was a problem and not me - why was there a difference? Maybe when I see him sometime in the future I’ll ask him.  Its an odd thing to ask a person though when you think about it. Funny the things that go through ones head. I suppose painting and erasing some mental images are easier than others. I don’t know.   

When I watch the TV series ‘Secret Diary of a Call-Girl’ I find myself wondering if Hannah (aka Belle) really went to sleep each night in her big fluffy white bed like they showed on TV, or if the writers had invoked their creative license assuming it would it be more viewer friendly.  Her character more relatable to the average viewer.  Do most escorts sleep on their couches rather than their beds? Or was this just something I did?  No doubt I’m a little odd.  I don’t socialize with other escorts often so I’ve never had the chance to notice.  Maybe someone out there can fill me in. 

I don’t think I’ll sleep the rest of my life on a couch though. No need to worry about that. I expect that when I retire from escorting I’ll easily return to sleeping in my big brass bed again. Ideally queen sized (double is a little too small to share, but a king creates too much space between partners in my opinion, reducing cuddling time).  This is a temporary habit, a reflection of current lifestyle, an adaptation that is reversible.  There’s no doubt in my mind a time will come again (upon retirement I expect) when I’ll have a hard time crawling out of my bed, just like my high school days.  From what I recall of those, it was a very difficult habit to give up and one I think I could easily fall back into!  

I’m sure you’ve noticed at some point its much easier to get up from the couch in the morning than it is from the bed.  And that’s another reason I think I’ve gotten into the habit of sleeping on the couch - its much easier to jump up when the phone rings.  Yet another symptom of lifestyle. I’m sure other small business owners understand this.  I have no secretary to take those calls for me. 

We prep for the big things we can see coming, but really its the little things that are nearly impossible to anticipate, no matter how well we plan, that typically impact a persons life the most. I find it fascinating how these 2 simple aspects have impacted my life as much as they have.

  

Keeping it all in perspective, this must be happening to many other people, not just me, and not just escorts.  For anybody who takes their career seriously, it no doubt takes a toll on their life in some way or other.  Maybe they sleep less, find themselves constantly wired to their blackberry, stuck commuting 2hrs every day for their jobs.  All these take a toll. How we deal with these stressors in our lives is extremely important.  Personally, I’d rather sacrifice my bed and sleep on a couch every night than commute 2hrs to work in traffic.  I honestly don’t think I would handle that stress well, not at all. Honestly I feel safer with my clients than I do driving on the 401, believe me or not. Think about it, I only have one person to deal with, while on the 401 you have thousands of people you have to deal with.  I can turn away the intoxicated with ease, but commuters have practically no control over their environment.  Good luck out there guys!  Glad I’m already home, safe and sound. Come to think of it, I’m really lucky to have an awesome way to spend the rush hour in the big city. I get to lay in bed, wrapped in my comfy sheets, making sweet love in whatever position I like, while at that same time, thousands are trapped in the Gardnier gridlock.  Poor souls.  I wish I realized this was an option sooner.  Its one of the small things that make this work so great at times. 

I suppose the point I’m trying to make is that while we all have work place stress, each job has different kinds, and how we react and deal with them can be interesting.   

I’m sure I’ve mentioned previously the obvious workplace stressors that escorts deal with (e.g. law enforcement, disease, violence, theft) but most people are unaware of the little things that actually have the biggest impact overall.  Personally, I’m glad I’ve noticed these small things about myself.  I’d be concerned if any job I did changed my behaviour too much.  I consider these 2 examples more quirky than worrisome.   Where I sleep doesn’t really matter as long as I’m getting enough sleep, particularly since I have to deal with bipolar disorder which so often denies me of sleep. 

Awwww....yes, it feels nice to have these thoughts hashed out. They all seem a little clearer to me now.  I wonder if there are many other small things I have yet to notice.  And if they will be good or bad for me?

After all, don’t we often find ourselves saying its the little things that matter the most?  

A difficult subject for blogging: advice on sexual assault

I recently received an email from a person requesting advice on a difficult subject - that of sexual assault.  I experienced extremely mixed feelings about this email.  On one side, I felt good knowing that I have regular followers who respected my opinion, but on the other side, it was because a bad thing had happened and that person felt I would understand that they turned to me.  

Without going into details, a woman had been mugged and raped.  The woman confided this to a friend who had a hard time digesting the situation and how to react. The friend emailed me for advice on what to do.

I thought a lot about the email and finally responded with my advice.  I continued thinking about this even more because I felt that there are others out there who were probably in the same situation, hence something worth blogging about.  

I don’t have any medical, psychological or legal training. I can only offer my advice, as a woman.  In cases of sexual assault I’m not sure there are any answers that are wholly right or wrong, as its such a personal issue.  There are, however, a few things I think would help most sexual assault victims in general. 

Here’s the advice I offered:

• 1) Be compassionate, non-judgmental, discrete, and a friend when needed.  Don’t force her to do anything.  It has to be her decision if she goes to the police.

• 2) Encourage her to be checked out by a doctor.  The possibility of physical injury, pregnancy and STI/STD require attention.  Many injuries can be treated better if caught early.  The window for STI’s is 6 months.  There is a hassle free clinic in downtown Toronto at Church/Gerrard that would be sensitive to this situation.    

• 3) Encourage her to talk to a professionally trained therapist or psychologist.  It should help with emotional healing and there is assured confidentially in medical situations.  OHIP covers this type of medical treatment.                                                          

• 4) Check her credit report for identity theft.  If she lost any personal info in the assault her financial status could be victimized too.  She may want to consider changing the locks on her doors if keys & ID were stolen.  

Those are my 4 recommendations; my opinion on how to handle this difficult situation.   

I’ve always been disgusted by sexual assault.  As a prostitute, I know that sex is practically always available to men - there is no need to force sex on another person.  

I hope everybody stays safe out there. And I hope you all can enjoy the beauty of sex without having it tainted by the bad.