Stephen Fry's Magic Button

Stephen Fry, a British actor who also suffers from Bipolar Disorder (BD), spearheaded an excellent documentary on BD called “Secret Life of the Manic Depressive”.  It looked at BD from all angles: highs/lows, celebrity/commoner, young/old, moderate/severe, medicated/not, creative/sullen, etc.  I really felt he looked at the disorder unbiasedly which is a difficult thing to do in his position. He was an appropriate host since more people would pay attention to the documentary if it exemplified the trials and tribulations of a celebrity.  

The think that grabbed me about the doc was that the vast majority of people he interviewed in the documentary (about a dozen or so, I forget) who were afflicted with bipolar disorder essentially liked it.  He asked them  all the same question: If you could hit a magic button to make BD disappear would you?  Only 1 person said yes.  This person suffered severe paranoia and could barely leave the house and could not interact socially.  Everybody else interviewed loved their hypo-manias and manias despite how low their depressions were and what consequences their illness had brought them and their family.  They all said No. 

Ever since my most recent mixed episode/agitated depression I might have agreed with them, but now I hate having BD. The last episode was terrifying, debilitating, and embarrassing. Yes, yes, yes - where is this button you speak of Mr. Fry?  Looking back on how my near persistent irritability, my social deviancy and my weakness for drugs and alcohol have taken a negative impact on my life I fail to see joy in these things. I would have a M.Sc. degree now if it weren’t for BD. I truly believe that. 

Reflecting on my life I feel that it has caused more pain than joy.  All those people who refused to hit Mr. Fry’s magic button must have had great joy, inspiration and accomplishment brought to them during hypo-manias.  For example, the so called creativity fueled by their mental illness helps musicians and writers, but just an average Jane Doe like me, with no discernible creative talent to be fueled, can’t feel the joy it can bring.  Its wasted on me in a sense. Its more like putting premium petrol in a Ford Tempo when you could have a Ferrari instead (Don’t worry I love myself for who I am now and am not suicidal anymore).  

I’m no ferrari  like Kurt Cobain, Matthew Good, Edgar Allan Poe, Ernest Hemingway, Mark Twain, Isaac Newton, Catherine Zeta-Jones or Jean Claude Van Damn.  After more than 3 decades I would have hoped to notice my extra-ordinary talent by now but I draw a blank.  Unless I win ‘escort of the year’ or ‘blogger extraordinaire’ of course.  

I’ve included a clip from youtube.  I can not take credit for it but I think this video collage of celebrities with BD fits in nicely here. I’d like to end on an upbeat note.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZnAG38CWZI

On a side note, the basis for the video was taken from WIkipedia and of course the actual diagnosis of historical figures is debatable, but I would be digressing from my point, its a topic for another blog.

Deviancy

Most dictionaries define the word ‘deviant’ as differing from norms or accepted standards.  So I’m a social deviant. Definitely.  I don’t know how to behave.  Is it because of my bipolar disorder? Am I truly conscious of these socially deviant behaviors and thoughts? I suppose I am since I’m writing this, but to be honest, only because others have pointed it out to me, repeatedly.  The way I am, the way I react, the way I behave just comes naturally to me. I've always been odd as long as I can remember.  Its not an act, its just who I am.  I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong by acting this way. 

Let me elaborate a little more. 

I’ve always had a problem with societies ideals.  They just seem too rigid.  I remember once in high school religion class the teacher (a former nun), made the class do a large group project on ethics. Here was the scenario... a ship is sinking and there are not enough life boats for everybody on board. The passengers consist of people who have physical disabilities of some sort, and others who are ‘normal’ or of full physical ability.  The dilemma was this - who should get a safe seat in the lifeboat and who would have to chance their luck in the water?   The class had to divide into 2 sides - one side had to argue why the healthy/normal would get the lifeboat seats and the physical handicapped persons to be thrown overboard, and the other side would argue to opposite.  Those were our only 2 options. We couldn't make any other more sensible decisions in this religious ethics class. 

I don’t know why, most likely out of spite, I picked the side where the weak would be thrown overboard. I think its fun being the devils advocate. Of course when the jury came back they said that the weak should be given the lifeboats and the strong should swim.  Which side is right? I’m still not sure to be honest.  The options given sucked. Too narrow minded. 

The main thing I took away from that project is that I didn’t like a group of other people deciding what was moral or the right thing to do.  Who are they to decide for me or anyone?  I don’t really get it.  Sometimes this makes me mad, frustrates me. While other times it scares me.  Could I make a horrible decision b/c I don’t understand morality and ethics as normal society does? It seemed like a good idea... I don’t know. 

   

Another example of ethics that I’m struggling with is the current constitutional challenge to the laws governing prostitution in the province of Ontario, Canada.  I don’t understand why the church has such a strong say in what the court eventually decides.  There are so many people with differing faiths or no faith at all, why should they have such significant voice in this decision? Why can’t a man or woman decide what they want to do with themselves without the church butting in? Does this make me deviant? I know it makes me upset.  

To stay focussed here - I am not stressing about whether the prostitution laws change. Well yes I am actually, but the point I want to make is that I am stressed about why religious groups can tell me/other citizens what I can/ can’t do, even if the people are not of that faith.   I have a problem with the church in general telling me what’s moral, e.g. birth control, pre-marital sex, evolution and modern scientific theories, etc.

Authority derived from dogma does not go over well with me. 

Even still I see no problems with prostitution as long as it is the individuals choice and not forced/trafficked.  I think that’s only partially deviant of me, since the laws pertaining to prostitution are actually legal in many areas... FYI: Prostitution in Canada is only illegal if you 1. run a common bawdy house/incall, 2. public solicitation, and 3. live off the avails of prostitution.  Other than that, its A-OK. But you get the point.  

I always thought that my zodiac sign - scorpio - explained my darker characteristics, e.g. intensity, passion, dark/dry sense of humor, heightened sexuality.  Every time I said something inappropriate I thought it was just the scorpio in me. (My astrological profile is full of scorpio btw - sun, mercury, venus, mars, uranus - hence my assumption). 

I always laughed at or  commented on funny things that no one else seemed to appreciate like I did.  Here’s another example:

In elementary school there was a really bitchy teacher, Mrs. Jane Doe.  In the years leading up to gr.8 I dreaded having to face her.  As fate would play out, she did not teach gr.8 the year I would've been her pupil as she fell ill with cancer. Halfway through the school year another classmate told me she died and I laughed out loud.  I felt it served her right b/c she was always so mean.  My classmate thought I was horrible to laugh at her death.  I think both of us are right in our own way.  The death of a person is not a laughing matter even if I didn’t like that person, but I have always believed in karma and thus believe strongly that bad things happen to bad people, good comes back to good people.   What I’ve taken away from this situation is to try to stifle my immediate gut reactions.  I need to learn to be more sensitive, tactful and diplomatic. But I don’t feel my initial gut reaction is wrong.  Deviant, yes, but wrong, no. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I have never wanted to out right harm anybody. I have never felt the urge to attack or kill someone, but I do believe that bad things happen to bad people and that is justified.  WIth that said I do feel that I would be capable of killing someone in self-defense or to protect my loved ones. Of this I have no doubt.  But I don’t like violence for the sake of hurting someone to be cruel.  But I like violence (if you choose to call it that) in terms of martial arts, sports, hunting, protection and/or survival.  Its not deviant to have an intense workout in a boxing gym. 

In conclusion, I’ve recently began to struggle with the thought that my deviancy may be problematic, or not.  Now to be deviant is not always bad - the definition of a deviant is to simply just be different from the average - big deal, most of us are. A psychiatrist could be considered a social deviant because who on average goes to school for so many years and reads so many peer reviewed journals? No offense. You get my point. What I’m struggling with is are my thoughts truly inappropriate and thus cause me anguish that could be avoided? And if so, is this due to my bipolar disorder, being a scorpio, or just who I am regardless? 

Let me introduce myself

I’m not sure how I feel about keeping this blog.  On one side, because my mind is often overactive, too reactive or ill-reactive, I have a constant urge to write down what I’m thinking.  Writing is cathartic for me and it also helps me digest my thoughts.  Its also an excellent way to keep track of my moods and behavior over a longer period of time. Its hard for me to self-assess at times when I’m mentally ill.  Keeping an anonymous blog allows me to vent, release, record and also perhaps hear the opinion of a few followers which is always interesting, sometimes good, sometimes bad.

On the other hand, I want to remain anonymous due to the stigma attached to mental illness, and the very sensitive topics I am going to write about.  If my family found out all the things I did I know they would be devastated.  So if I can keep this blog - an honest blunt one about what its like to be a bipolar scorpio woman, while maintaining my privacy - I’d like to give it a go.  I think it will be good for me. 

Two of the heaviest burdens that I bear - one by choice, the other by chance - is that I have chosen to be an escort and that I am bipolar.  Very few people know both of these things.  So to write it out in black and white on a public blog is a very big step for me. I value my privacy and independence fiercely and never want that compromised.  However, I have so many interesting things to talk about.  I do want to make it clear from the beginning that this will not be a blog about escorting.  Sure, I will discuss it in the grand scheme of things in my life, but it is not the primary objective of the blog, which is - my life as a bipolar scorpio woman (BSW).  

So why did I choose this title?  Funny story.  I was in my doctor’s office one morning and I was discussing with him how many of the symptoms of bipolar disorder (e.g. the passion and intensity of the mania’s, the dramatic mood swings, deep dark depressions) are often listed as characteristics of scorpios as well, and that for most of my life I thought many of my unrecognized symptoms of my mood disorder (bipolar disorder is a mental illness that is classified as a mood disorder) was just me being a stereotypical scorpio.  In my teen years I determined my full astrological profile and for those that may understand the significance my sun, mercury, venus, mars and neptune were all in scorpio!   Then I thought just what an incredible person I must be, because it was like I have all these traits, but squared.  Now that’s intense! I’m not sure if this is good or bad, but it is what it is. Being both bipolar and a scorpio can stir up some strong moods.  Indeed it has brought me many great things in my life and also ruined many relationships and opportunities equally.  

I looked at my doctor and jokingly said ‘Now that would be a great profile username for a dating site - Bipolar Scorpio Woman!  How many hits do you think I would get?”  We both burst out laughing.  Too funny.  Since I’m not on any online dating sites I thought that I would use the title for my blog instead. 

I hope you enjoy what’s to come. - BSW