If physical diseases were treated like mental illness - Imgur

If physical diseases were treated like mental illness - Imgur

If mental illness were treated like physical illness...

If all mental illness were treated the same way physical illness...

How many times have I heard these statements before, sigh. 

Left Alone

I’m sure I’ve mentioned how much I appreciate the music of Fiona Apple before.  Scrolling down the side of my blog just now I see that I have some of her videos highlighted on this webpage of mine. Oh yeah, I remember doing that a few years ago now that I think of it ;)

Well I finally got to see her perform live here in Toronto this past summer. It was wonderful to see her live finally.  I went by myself.  

The reason I’m bringing up Fiona this evening is because I’ve found myself curled up on my couch, trying to settle down for bed, and in the usual process, listening to some of my favourite music.  I’m particularly fond of her song “Left Alone”.  It accurately sums up a key part of my character, a lyric in the song which I was startled when first heard, but upon reflection made so much sense.  People with mental health issues have a tendency to isolate themselves.  I hide away all the time.  It just seems easier that way.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe its not having to deal with others, explain my thoughts and actions to others, or just feeling at peace in my own way. I like being alone. I like this song. 

***********

“Left Alone”

And now I’m hard, too hard to know

I don’t cry when I’m sad anymore, no, no 

Tears calcify in my tummy

Fears coincide with the tow

How can I ask anyone to love me

When all I do is beg to be left alone?

************

I know it might seem a little ironic to write this blog about wanting to be 'Left Alone' as follow up to the previous blog 'Let's Talk' but it makes total sense when you think about it from my perspective.  This blog is my way of reaching out to others. I'm alone but talking.  Its progress in my own way. 

Let's Talk!

Today, Feb 12 is Bell’s 3rd annual Let’s Talk about mental illness day.  Being bipolar I’m quite interested about the initiative and have been tuning into CP24 and CTV news net throughout the day to see who and what they’re discussing. 

I have to admit, I truly appreciate the effort made by Bell to dispel the stigma and myths attached to mental illness. The simple title of the campaign “Let’s Talk” is both powerful and poignant.  Indeed, my life might have been very different if even my own family were able to talk about the mental illnesses that are inherited genetic traits in my family.  Bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and depression afflict my maternal relatives, while addiction (e.g. alcohol/substance abuse, gambling) afflict my paternal relatives, yet nobody on either side feels comfortable discussing the subject and its made our lives worse than they need to be.  I believe I could have been diagnosed a decade sooner than what I was if my family members hadn’t felt so ashamed or in complete denial. 

How much time and quality of life have so many of my relatives lost due to shame and silence and stigma???  

I truly hope that attitudes begin to shift and that the next generation of my family won’t have to go through what me and my predecessors went through.  

So kudos to Bell. Let's Talk about mental illness!

---------------------------------------
A quick follow up to this blog:

Bell's Let's Talk day fundraiser for mental health initiatives (in which they donated 5 cents for each text, long distance call or tweet) raised nearly $5million dollars through nearly 95million texts/calls/tweets sent.  That's pretty sweet :)  

Mood Support Supplement

I was passing through the vitamins and supplements section of a Rexall Pharmacy recently when I spotted this particular bottle:

An Omega-3 (EPA 500, DHA 250) based supplement intended to support a healthy mood. Naturally, as a person with a Mood Disorder (e.g. bipolar disorder), I was curious. I had never heard about this type of product before now. If any of my readers have I'd be very keen to hear your thoughts on this product or others like it - feel free to email me directly or post a comment please.

I assume it must take a derivative of something like fish oil for the omega-3 essential fatty acids, which research has indicated to have an affect on mood.  Now I wonder if this product only benefits people who are naturally deficient in omega-3's, which causes their unbalanced moods, or could it help other types of mood disorders in general (e.g. depression, bipolar disorder)? As these other types of mood disorders (which are mental illnesses) are often caused by problems with brain chemistry directly related to neurotransmitters like serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, glutamate and GABA.
   
With these questions in mind I did a little research of my own. I pulled out 'The Natural Medicine Guide to Bipolar Disorder' (written by Stephanie Marohn) and looked into the relationship between omega-3's and mood.  In this guidebook it explains that the building blocks of most neurotransmitters (as well as their synapses and receptors) are derived from the amino acids obtained from omega-3 fatty acids, and are thus essential for healthy brain function. Interesting.

The idea of taking an omega-3 supplement for long term health care is much more appealing than taking something as toxic as lithium!  Now I don't expect this to be a miracle drug by any means, as I'm sure bipolar disorder is much more complex in cause and long term management (from my experience anyway), but if some fish oil can help even a little bit its worth a try in my opinion.
While I haven't run out and bought a bottle just yet, I'm going to keep looking into it.  And if anyone has any thoughts on this I'm keen to hear them.
  
Maybe I'll have some salmon for dinner tonight ;)

Now that's food for thought!

Advice on controlling suicidal thoughts without mood stabilizers

I was recently asked by a reader, and fellow manic-depressive, for some advice.   How can suicidal thoughts be effectively managed when long term mood stabilizers are not an option for that person? 

Here's my response: 

------------------------------------

Hey,  

This is a really challenging question, and I’m not sure if there is a single answer that would apply in general.  I think the triggers for each person’s manic-depressive episodes are unique and as such, there is no single treatment for a nasty bipolar low b/c its a multilayered health issue. I think it has to be dealt with both medically and psychologically - in my experience.  

Admittedly, I’ve been suicidal twice in my life.  Yet I believe its no coincidence that both those moments were before I fully understood my medical condition, as well as my immediate family members also (e.g. mother & aunt who are very supportive/compassionate).  Since my diagnosis I’ve been better prepared to handle my depressive episodes that could potentially lead to suicidal thoughts or worse...  So broadly, I think understanding the full spectrum of my mental health condition has better prepared me for this life long struggle.  I can identify 2 specific tools which have helped me greatly when I hit bottom:

1. Realizing its not really the end of my usefulness/abilities/happiness.  Both my suicide attempts came before I fully understood my bipolar disorder and its affect on me. I really thought it was the end.  But now I know that it will pass.  And I draw on my moments of clarity after those previous suicide attempts as lifelines to get me through.  I think, not so much about my self-worth at that dark moment, but about what I have left to offer others, or the promises left unfilled to others that I still need to conclude.  I convince myself that until I take care of these things I can’t ‘opt out’.   

I don’t know if you’ll feel the same about this, but for me, personally, others can not guilt me into staying alive, only I can do that. My mothers love was not enough. I actually wrote that in my suicide note.  I’ve found that things left undone and using personal guilt from that was much more effective for some reason.   A good example of what I’m talking about is found in the song ‘Me and a Gun’ by Tori Amos. Her long story short - she dealt with a very traumatic situation by realizing that since she hasn’t seen Barbados yet she had to live through the ordeal. Its a strategy many people struggling with severe emotional problems often use to cope.   I’ve found myself using this strategy as well.  I’ve made a deal with myself (one which I’ve never forgotten or belittled for years now), that I could not ‘off myself’ unless I’ve honestly tried to do all the things that were important to me while I was ‘sane’.  And only if I had completed this list would it be my time to ‘off myself’ - with a clear conscious.  While I prefer to keep my full list private, I’m OK with sharing a little with you because it might actually help you, and thats something I consider important (as I know its not easy talking about this stuff - I know reaching out is difficult). One of the things I have to do before I allow myself the option of suicide again in the future is to take a trip around the world, one that includes an extended stopover in some beautiful South Pacific Island where I can escape the city and get in touch with nature again.  

To those who don’t know me, this may sound superficial but this task runs much deeper than many realize.  The happiest moments of my life have always been recalled in my travels. And unless I complete my travel goals it would be too soon to end my life. Simultaneously, I’ve always felt most peaceful/happy while in touch with nature, especially the ocean.  

So when I get really low, and start thinking dark thoughts, I remind myself that there are a few things that might still make life worth living.  And if after traveling and reconnecting with the ocean and nature again, I still feel nothing than maybe its really time to end it.  The way I figure it, I invest a few grand into staying alive.  Put it all on my visa.  And if it saves me from committing suicide then it was money well spent.  If not, well its not my problem when I’m dead then is it?! 

I don’t know if any of my twisted logic will be of any help to you, but its worth a shot I suppose.  Like I said, its a very personal issue. Just take some time and think about it. Its your life, make your own decisions. I don’t know you at all, so I can’t recommend things that might hold value for you, but I’m sure you can find something you care about.  You wouldn’t have bothered to write me if not.  

Honestly, and sincerely, your message reminds me of the time I finally sought help after my second suicide attempt.  My shrink asked me why I was seeking professional help instead of finishing off the job.  It was an excellent question.  After taking a few moments to seriously consider it I replied, “Well I suppose, for some reason, despite the fact that I researched the lethal dose needed (and actually ingested), and ensuring I would be isolated for what I expected to be 3 days (as I didn’t want a hero to interrupt me in the process), I survived the overdose despite my best intentions, for some reason I don’t honestly understand.  All I could think of was that it just wasn’t my time.   I was still in agony, and since my own methods weren’t working, I thought that seeking medical help might be the only other option to end my suffering. So here I am.” 

I’ve thought alot about that Q & A over the years.  I’ve come to realize that in my personal case (and many many others, but not all), suicide attempts are deeply routed in pain alleviation, after no other options are available.  Its not that they want to stop living, so much as it hurts too much to keep on living.  

To sum this up, while I’m not saying that understanding the nature of the beast, or simply making a bet with oneself, will stop someone from committing suicide (especially if they’re at rock bottom), but its at least one strategy worth considering if you refuse to take long term mood stabilizing medications. 

2. My second recommendation is much less complicated.  While I detest taking long term mood stabilizing psychiatric drugs due to their awful side effects, there are some quite good, very tolerable, anti-anxiety meds that I take on the short term to help take the edge off my episodes.  Benzodiazepines (I like to call them ‘Pammies’) help with anxiety by targeting the neurotransmitter GABA, which is often one of the main factors contributing to bipolar episodes. While pammies (like valium or klonopin) are not mood stabilizing in the traditional sense, they but do seem to work like one at times. At least for me. Here’s a good link to help explain: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clonazepam . They won’t prevent an episode but they can nip it in the bud.  They’ve helped me tremendously. 

Hope this helps. All the best - BSW

My Monsters

I really enjoy this time of year, more specifically the Halloween season.  I love the way horror and scary stories are embraced by society without question.  Disturbing activity is not judged, but encouraged.  I’m sure I wrote about this in my blog last year so I won’t repeat too much.  Perhaps I’ll even go back and re-read my old Oct blogs of yesteryear to reminisce.  

And of course, its also my birthday week. BSW - I’m a scorpio born during Halloween week in particular, which must surely have influenced certain character traits of the season within my very being. 

Alas, its not just being a Halloween born scorpio that has shaped my character, but my bipolar disorder has also manifested some darker traits within myself. I don’t mean anything truly evil or bad, but more akin to the imagination of George Romero, Alfred Hitchcock, Greg Nicotero, Edgar Allan Poe or Stephen King.   

Thus, its no surprise BSW loves the last week of October!  

No doubt, anyone who has turned on the TV over the last week or two has noticed (and hopefully watched) all the horror flicks playing in heavy rotation.   I give a big ‘tip of the hat’ to AMC for their awesome Fear Fest - a full 2 week horror movie marathon.  It’s all I’ve been watching when I’m not working or sleeping.  Good times, good times. 

'Cujo', the infamous movie that tarnished the good reputation of the faithful St. Bernard in the minds of so many, was screened several times last week. Ironically, the movie spawned a fear of dogs, although the true evils (or lessons learned) of the story were the consequences of: i) not taking your pet the the vet regularly (e.g. rabies vaccination), ii) avoiding regular car maintenance, and iii) adultery.   Cujo, was one of the few works of Stephen King that did not involve monsters from another dimension, paranormal powers or evil forces otherwise unexplained.  ‘Cujo’ could realistically happen to any family tomorrow.   I think that’s what makes it so scary really.  No car named ‘Christine’ or encroaching ‘Mist‘ (two other examples of King’s work for those unfamiliar) scares me as much as a rabid dog because of the reality factor.    

All that being said, in my mind, its King’s use of little children in his horror stories that make his stories so gripping.  A great story must stir emotion in the reader, and without that reaction (anger, anxiety, sadness, empathy...) the writer failed to reach the reader, and without this connection the story is lacking (in my opinion anyway).  I believe King’s greatest talent as a writer is how he uses the innocence of children to bring out the ultimate horror of a particular situation.     

OK OK, moving right along, this blog wasn’t intended to be a critical review of the works of Stephen King, but rather how one scene in particular from ‘Cujo’ stirred a strong childhood memory of my own that I wanted to discuss.  As a child I had many fears of monsters in my mind.  At the time I assumed every other kid shared the same fears as I did. However, its only now that I’m an adult, and have shared some of these childhood monster stories with others, that I’m only now realizing that not all of my childhood fears were so average or typical. 

For example, ‘Cujo‘ set its scary atmosphere early through the use of scenes where ‘Tad’ (the little boy) was terrified by what he believed were monsters hiding in his closet and under his bed.  Admittedly, this is a fairly common childhood fear that most of us grow out of in time.  However, the depth of Tad’s fear of the monsters under his bed, and the behaviour that he adapts in order to deal with his fear was incredibly described and emoted in Cujo that it hits on something deeper.  It stirred some deep memories in me, that’s for sure. 

I totally understand how Tad felt during the whole movie. Both Tad and I, faced a terrifying situation every night before bed.  We knew that the monsters couldn’t get us when the light was on, as they could only come out from beneath the bed when it was dark.  Our dilemma was that our beds were on the other side of the room, a good 10 feet away from the only light switch, which was always next to the door, which meant we had to cross our bedroom in complete darkness leaving us vulnerable to attack during the few seconds it took to reach the sanctuary of our beds. (Monsters must stay on the floor thus we were safe on our beds which were elevated - basic monster rules).  

While this is probably a normal childhood fear, I think it was how each family dealt with it that affected the child’s mentality and future behavioural patterns.  The simplest solution to this dilemma would be for a parent to tuck their child into bed then turn out the light, thus avoiding the whole situation entirely.  

But not all parents tuck their kids into bed at night, or they stop tucking them in too early.   I think that was the case with me.  While my parents didn’t divorce until I was in high school, I don’t have any memories of being read to at night or being tucked in. I recall Dad was too lazy to get up off the couch/barstool to do so (he was always in the basement if he was home), and once Mom had fed and washed me and my brother she hopped into the car and went to play bingo.  I remember sneaking into my parents bedroom (it had a front facing window with a street view) night after night, so I could watch her going out. I was so sad watching her drive away.     

When kids have to deal with irrational fears on their own, while they’re too young to properly deal with the situation, its one for the earliest opportunities for mental problems to occur.      

Since we couldn’t depend on our parents to protect us from the monsters under our bed we (Tad and I) developed behavioural solutions out of necessity.  (It wasn’t like we could re-wire our bedrooms for more sensible monster defensive light switches when a simple tuck in was out of the question!).   

I had almost forgotten about all this until watching ‘Cujo’ again after so many years.  Tad was going to bed on his own (his parents had stopped tucking him in recently) and he had to turn off the light, then get into bed. However, he knew that as soon as he turned off the light the monsters could reach out from under his bed and get him.  The only way to safely deal with this situation (on his own) was to completely prep for bed as much as possible with the light still on, then at the very last moment flick the switch and essentially do the childhood monster equivalent of the running long jump.   When I saw Tad bolt in the dark in knew exactly what he was doing and why.  In the sudden darkness the monsters under the bed were temporarily limited to arms reach, and if you were able to leap the distance of the monsters reach between the safe spot on the floor to your bed, you’d be safe.  Those were the monster rules - I don’t know why but for some reason we all knew what they were.   Countless nights I did the running monster long jump to bed every night.  Its just the way it had to be.  

I never thought about it that much since growing up, but watching that scene in ‘Cujo’, having all those thoughts rushing back again when I saw myself in Tad (that scared child in the dark), I started thinking about my childhood monsters again.  I suppose it was partly because I was caught up in the Halloween hype, and partly because I trusted this person in particular (as he’d stood by me through some rocky times over the past few years) that I shared this memory with him.  And his response surprised me.  He thought the running monster long jump was bizarre.  He never did it himself and had never heard of it before now.  He wasn’t judgmental or freaked out by my confiding, but felt that as my friend he wanted to tell me what he honestly thought. (Its this integrity that is the foundation of our friendship I have no doubt).  

It was the first time I ever told anyone else about the running monster long jump, and the only other time I saw anyone else do it was in ‘Cujo’.  Now I don’t know what to think.  Was it normal to do that or not?  I can’t deny that since I was so hesitant to mention this to anyone else for so many years that I obviously felt a certain degree of invalidated shame regarding the topic.  

I’ve thought a lot about this over the last few days and I keep coming back to the same conclusion.  Its normal for little kids to fear monsters in the night.  That’s a normal part of life.  But there are ways, better or worse ways (not so much right or wrong ways), to deal with this fear.   I thought about why my friend never felt/acted the same way as I did, and I realized that he shared a bedroom with his brother during those formidable years of his childhood, and that made all the difference.  He never had to face the monsters in the dark alone night after night.  They had each others back.  I had no one.  I can’t help but muse at the irony in which the poverty of his upbringing brought him so much comfort in the night, while my ‘privileged’ upper middle class upbringing afforded me the cold comfort of isolation. 

Although I haven’t discussed this with very many people, I’m willing to bet children who were left alone with their fears developed very different coping mechanisms than children who had the support and perceived protection of family to ease them through their fears.   It would be something worth discussing with a psychiatrist or psychologist no doubt.  

I wish I could say my childhood monster fears had ran its natural course, but I don’t think I ever truly outgrew that fear like most other children did.  Instead, I think it just changed its manifestation according to my lifestyle (e.g. what realities and responsibilities I had at that age as I grew up).  Eventually I stopped being afraid of the monsters under my bed - I was old enough to know that fear was nonsense after intense physical examination of the space under my bed and my ensuing purchase of a waterbed which strategically closed them down regardless!!! haha!!! - but instead found a much more serious monster to fear.        

At this point I was older and had more free space through out the house.  Even the responsibility for locking the doors, both front and back.  I have no idea why, but the monsters that used to live under my bed suddenly moved to the backyard.  And unless somebody was doing something in the backyard (which would always keep the monsters away) I felt an uncontrollable urge to lock up the back door to protect us.  It didn’t matter if it was day or night anymore either.  The monster had gained the ability to attack at any moment, so long as the backyard was empty.  It was like I was the gatekeeper to the backdoor and I had to stop all the monsters.  They never dared use the front door. Just the backdoor.  I don’t know why. They just did.  

I can still vividly recall my terror, racing to the backdoor terrified that I wouldn’t be able to slide the deadbolt through its adjacent metal loops fast enough before the monster would beat me there.        

I was always so incredibly relieved when I made it just in the nick of time to lock the door and save us all.  I never told anyone about my backdoor monster until last year.  And it never mentioned it to anyone else since.  The only soul I ever told this to was a relative of mine who also has bipolar disorder.  I had recently opened up to her about my vivid nightmares and wondered if she had ever experienced anything similar.  She said she had.  She told me that her whole life she had been dealing with the same kind of dreams I was and suddenly I didn’t feel so alone (after a little research I discovered vivid dreams were quite common in manic depressives actually).   

Then I told her about the fear I had with the back door monster. She stopped suddenly, she didn’t know what to say about that.   She didn’t think it was normal and she sounded concerned.  I reassured her that since leaving home several years ago, I had never felt like that since.  I had almost forgotten about it.  But going home scares me sometimes it seems.  I never feel scared by monsters at my current backdoor.  

• Am I just more mature now?
• Do I truly feel more secure now than before?
• Am I coping with my bipolar disorder more effectively perhaps?

I just don’t know.  I thought about it briefly once last year, then buried it away again.  I’ve never mentioned any of this to anybody else. Not even my doctors.  Its only the Fear Fest horror movie marathon that made me think on all this stuff again.  

Ok that’s it for now. I’m done talking about this stuff. I feel exhausted. 

So do my childhood monsters seem strange? Am I normal or odd? I have no idea what’s normal anymore.  ugh.