Suicide - her way vs. his way

I’m so glad that the difficult issue of suicide has become an interesting topic of discussion in the media as of late. Its long overdue. But better late than never!

So why are we talking about suicide now?  What happened for us to take notice?  

Well, not everybody got the memo, so I think its important that we clarify what’s changed.  IMHO, I don’t think the rate of suicide (attempted or fatal) has changed recently.  However, I do feel the impact of the media and internet has significantly changed the rules of the game, in 2 ways specifically: 

1. Its a brand new avenue (e.g. social media/cell phone cameras) for bullies/predators to attack the vulnerable,
2. But, most importantly, its the power, potential and influence of the internet that has made suicide more ‘real’ to the general population. The visual images of the individuals suffering is not so easily whisked away, and often the final ‘trauma‘ is forever displayed for public viewing. Notably, the transition from keeping a diary using pen and paper (you must remember this old fashioned way) to the modern blogging (an electronic online journal) has helped raise awareness. While the handwritten diaries of suicide victims are usually kept private (by well intentioned family), this reclusive habit does not encourage discussion and de-stigmatization like blogs do.

While the influence of the internet (and corresponding social media, etc.) on mental health is a very interesting topic for a BSW blog (which I think I will come back to on a later date), there is a peculiarity regarding suicide that I wanted to address. So here goes...

The method chosen for committing suicide seems to be gender related.  Women tend to opt for overdose or wrist slitting, whereas men tend to opt for hanging or gunshot to the head. Its basic human nature expressed in both life and death.

Statistically, men are more ‘successful’ at committing suicide than women. 

But why?

Here’s where it gets interesting.

I’ve heard many opinions on the matter, and I try to keep an open-mind on the subject.  But there is one commonly held misconception that I feel obliged to address because of the seriousness of the matter. 

An alarming number of people feel that men have a higher fatality rate than women because, in their opinion, most women are not truly suicidal, instead they are just crying out for attention.   They reason that a person who is crying out for attention, as opposed to being truly set on ending their life, will attempt suicide with pills or a knife because these methods are not immediately fatal and there is a wide window of opportunity for someone to save them.  If more women were truly serious about killing themselves they would opt for a method that has ‘no backsies’, e.g. the manly method of a bullet in the brain.  

I understand how people can come to this conclusion.  And in some cases it is an accurate assessment. However, this narrow-minded assumption is very masculine in nature and not an accurate reflection of the logic used by depressed females.  

I’m sure most people will agree that men and women think differently. Its one of those frustrating facts of human nature that we have to learn to deal with.

Women tend to be more emotional, sensitive and considerate then their male counterparts. Its the influence of these character traits that often determines which method a woman chooses for her suicide attempt.  Even in death, women tend to be concerned about how the event will affect her friends and family, and thus chose the method that would be the most considerate to others. 

There is a fundamental difference in the thought process used by men and woman when they are deciding how to end their life.  Yes, hormones affect us on a very deep level.  

It would be a mistake to assume how serious a person is about ending their life based on their preferred method.  Its disconcerting that people will judge how serious suicide risk is based on a preference between pills, blade or gun (just to name a few).   

That vulnerable person is already at a critical point and, ironically, this dismissive attitude of others might provide the confirmation they were seeking before making their grim decision.  (I want to be clear that its not always obvious that someone is suicidal, and sometimes it might be nearly impossible to prevent a suicide from occurring.  But I just want to encourage others to be more sensitive to the potential risk..)

One girls story - mine

Before my own diagnosis of bipolar disorder about 5 yrs ago, I had 2 suicide attempts. They occurred at 2 very different points in my life, years apart, that were both very emotionally stressful, dark, and I was in complete despair and utter hopelessness. 

I had no idea I was mentally ill at the time and very confused.  I truly thought there was no other way to end my suffering and I wanted to die, and I made that very choice.  And I chose pills. A very female way of attempting suicide.  Make no mistake, I did not want to be saved, I was living alone, did not expect anyone to visit me for days. I knew no cavalry was going to come.   I researched the fatal dosage of the sleeping pill I chose and took as much.  There was no pussy footing around. 

The reason I am telling this story is that I want to explain to others, especially men, who criticize women’s suicide attempts using pills as not serious attempts because they use less violent means, e.g. guns or noose. 

The main reason I chose pills instead of a gun was because it would be less messy and visually easier for my mother. I felt guilty about how others would feel when they found my body.  I did not want others to have to clean up my blood and brains from the floor and wall. Just because I wanted to die didn’t mean others had to suffer too. I also thought about how my mother would feel when she had to ID my body, and what turmoil she would have to deal with when faced with the closed vs open casket decision - one more burden I didn’t want to place on her.  Although her love wasn’t enough to make me want to keep living, I didn’t want to cause her any more pain than was necessary, despite my own agony. 

Its this emotional and nurturing female instinct that makes ‘female suicide’ different in approach and appearance than ‘male suicide’.  Its no less sincere or serious than a mans way.  

I don’t think many men, or those who have never suffered from depression, have thought about this before and I felt it would be beneficial to talk about. 

***Its mental health week here in Canada and I was encouraged by the efforts of Bell, CTV and Clara Hughes in their ‘Let’s Talk’ campaign to talk about this topic.*** 

So, finish the story!! I’m sure you’re wondering what happened to me. Obviously I’m still alive.  Well despite taking a lethal dose of sleeping pills I survived because I made the mistake of swallowing them with a bottle of wine, which caused me to vomit and saved my life. If I had used water instead of wine the medication would have stayed in my body and killed me I’m sure. My doctor agreed. 

At least one good thing came from this horrible time.  A few days after I finally sought psychiatric help.  It was the first step in my eventual diagnosis of bipolar disorder and I now finally understand the unique way my brain works.  I have not felt suicidal in years, and now that I know what to do to get help and be healthy I doubt I ever will be again. 

I don’t think I’ll necessarily be free of dark times and depression completely, but I’m more confident than ever that my story can and will have a happy ending.