Deviancy

Most dictionaries define the word ‘deviant’ as differing from norms or accepted standards.  So I’m a social deviant. Definitely.  I don’t know how to behave.  Is it because of my bipolar disorder? Am I truly conscious of these socially deviant behaviors and thoughts? I suppose I am since I’m writing this, but to be honest, only because others have pointed it out to me, repeatedly.  The way I am, the way I react, the way I behave just comes naturally to me. I've always been odd as long as I can remember.  Its not an act, its just who I am.  I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong by acting this way. 

Let me elaborate a little more. 

I’ve always had a problem with societies ideals.  They just seem too rigid.  I remember once in high school religion class the teacher (a former nun), made the class do a large group project on ethics. Here was the scenario... a ship is sinking and there are not enough life boats for everybody on board. The passengers consist of people who have physical disabilities of some sort, and others who are ‘normal’ or of full physical ability.  The dilemma was this - who should get a safe seat in the lifeboat and who would have to chance their luck in the water?   The class had to divide into 2 sides - one side had to argue why the healthy/normal would get the lifeboat seats and the physical handicapped persons to be thrown overboard, and the other side would argue to opposite.  Those were our only 2 options. We couldn't make any other more sensible decisions in this religious ethics class. 

I don’t know why, most likely out of spite, I picked the side where the weak would be thrown overboard. I think its fun being the devils advocate. Of course when the jury came back they said that the weak should be given the lifeboats and the strong should swim.  Which side is right? I’m still not sure to be honest.  The options given sucked. Too narrow minded. 

The main thing I took away from that project is that I didn’t like a group of other people deciding what was moral or the right thing to do.  Who are they to decide for me or anyone?  I don’t really get it.  Sometimes this makes me mad, frustrates me. While other times it scares me.  Could I make a horrible decision b/c I don’t understand morality and ethics as normal society does? It seemed like a good idea... I don’t know. 

   

Another example of ethics that I’m struggling with is the current constitutional challenge to the laws governing prostitution in the province of Ontario, Canada.  I don’t understand why the church has such a strong say in what the court eventually decides.  There are so many people with differing faiths or no faith at all, why should they have such significant voice in this decision? Why can’t a man or woman decide what they want to do with themselves without the church butting in? Does this make me deviant? I know it makes me upset.  

To stay focussed here - I am not stressing about whether the prostitution laws change. Well yes I am actually, but the point I want to make is that I am stressed about why religious groups can tell me/other citizens what I can/ can’t do, even if the people are not of that faith.   I have a problem with the church in general telling me what’s moral, e.g. birth control, pre-marital sex, evolution and modern scientific theories, etc.

Authority derived from dogma does not go over well with me. 

Even still I see no problems with prostitution as long as it is the individuals choice and not forced/trafficked.  I think that’s only partially deviant of me, since the laws pertaining to prostitution are actually legal in many areas... FYI: Prostitution in Canada is only illegal if you 1. run a common bawdy house/incall, 2. public solicitation, and 3. live off the avails of prostitution.  Other than that, its A-OK. But you get the point.  

I always thought that my zodiac sign - scorpio - explained my darker characteristics, e.g. intensity, passion, dark/dry sense of humor, heightened sexuality.  Every time I said something inappropriate I thought it was just the scorpio in me. (My astrological profile is full of scorpio btw - sun, mercury, venus, mars, uranus - hence my assumption). 

I always laughed at or  commented on funny things that no one else seemed to appreciate like I did.  Here’s another example:

In elementary school there was a really bitchy teacher, Mrs. Jane Doe.  In the years leading up to gr.8 I dreaded having to face her.  As fate would play out, she did not teach gr.8 the year I would've been her pupil as she fell ill with cancer. Halfway through the school year another classmate told me she died and I laughed out loud.  I felt it served her right b/c she was always so mean.  My classmate thought I was horrible to laugh at her death.  I think both of us are right in our own way.  The death of a person is not a laughing matter even if I didn’t like that person, but I have always believed in karma and thus believe strongly that bad things happen to bad people, good comes back to good people.   What I’ve taken away from this situation is to try to stifle my immediate gut reactions.  I need to learn to be more sensitive, tactful and diplomatic. But I don’t feel my initial gut reaction is wrong.  Deviant, yes, but wrong, no. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I have never wanted to out right harm anybody. I have never felt the urge to attack or kill someone, but I do believe that bad things happen to bad people and that is justified.  WIth that said I do feel that I would be capable of killing someone in self-defense or to protect my loved ones. Of this I have no doubt.  But I don’t like violence for the sake of hurting someone to be cruel.  But I like violence (if you choose to call it that) in terms of martial arts, sports, hunting, protection and/or survival.  Its not deviant to have an intense workout in a boxing gym. 

In conclusion, I’ve recently began to struggle with the thought that my deviancy may be problematic, or not.  Now to be deviant is not always bad - the definition of a deviant is to simply just be different from the average - big deal, most of us are. A psychiatrist could be considered a social deviant because who on average goes to school for so many years and reads so many peer reviewed journals? No offense. You get my point. What I’m struggling with is are my thoughts truly inappropriate and thus cause me anguish that could be avoided? And if so, is this due to my bipolar disorder, being a scorpio, or just who I am regardless?