Stephen Fry, a British actor who also suffers from Bipolar Disorder (BD), spearheaded an excellent documentary on BD called “Secret Life of the Manic Depressive”. It looked at BD from all angles: highs/lows, celebrity/commoner, young/old, moderate/severe, medicated/not, creative/sullen, etc. I really felt he looked at the disorder unbiasedly which is a difficult thing to do in his position. He was an appropriate host since more people would pay attention to the documentary if it exemplified the trials and tribulations of a celebrity.
The think that grabbed me about the doc was that the vast majority of people he interviewed in the documentary (about a dozen or so, I forget) who were afflicted with bipolar disorder essentially liked it. He asked them all the same question: If you could hit a magic button to make BD disappear would you? Only 1 person said yes. This person suffered severe paranoia and could barely leave the house and could not interact socially. Everybody else interviewed loved their hypo-manias and manias despite how low their depressions were and what consequences their illness had brought them and their family. They all said No.
Ever since my most recent mixed episode/agitated depression I might have agreed with them, but now I hate having BD. The last episode was terrifying, debilitating, and embarrassing. Yes, yes, yes - where is this button you speak of Mr. Fry? Looking back on how my near persistent irritability, my social deviancy and my weakness for drugs and alcohol have taken a negative impact on my life I fail to see joy in these things. I would have a M.Sc. degree now if it weren’t for BD. I truly believe that.
Reflecting on my life I feel that it has caused more pain than joy. All those people who refused to hit Mr. Fry’s magic button must have had great joy, inspiration and accomplishment brought to them during hypo-manias. For example, the so called creativity fueled by their mental illness helps musicians and writers, but just an average Jane Doe like me, with no discernible creative talent to be fueled, can’t feel the joy it can bring. Its wasted on me in a sense. Its more like putting premium petrol in a Ford Tempo when you could have a Ferrari instead (Don’t worry I love myself for who I am now and am not suicidal anymore).
I’m no ferrari like Kurt Cobain, Matthew Good, Edgar Allan Poe, Ernest Hemingway, Mark Twain, Isaac Newton, Catherine Zeta-Jones or Jean Claude Van Damn. After more than 3 decades I would have hoped to notice my extra-ordinary talent by now but I draw a blank. Unless I win ‘escort of the year’ or ‘blogger extraordinaire’ of course.
I’ve included a clip from youtube. I can not take credit for it but I think this video collage of celebrities with BD fits in nicely here. I’d like to end on an upbeat note.
On a side note, the basis for the video was taken from WIkipedia and of course the actual diagnosis of historical figures is debatable, but I would be digressing from my point, its a topic for another blog.
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