Hypomanic Lullaby

For those of you who didn't get my Samuel L Jackson reference in my last blog:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weGZcfh8pxY 

Its the hypomanic lullaby. I'm the babe.
A friend of mine told me three times this past week to get some sleep.

The bipolar scorpio call girl - Part 2 of 2: Chasing the hypomanic dragon

After some thought, I think it might be a good idea to fully explain why I used the phrase ‘chasing the hypomanic dragon’.  I don’t want anybody to think I have a serious drug problem, especially going on to quote Charlie Sheen on winning, lol!  Hence Part 2. 

I referred to chasing the dragon for a specific reason: it is strongly associated with drug abuse. But I want to reassure my readers that I am not a drug addict (I will admit to recreational drug use however).  In my thoughts, this phrase emphasizes the parallel between hypomania and getting high.  But its actually about those feel good hormones. For anyone who’s ever used recreational drugs or played competitive sports you’ll understand how desirable that mental state can be. Its about the endorphins released when a chase is rewarded by a goal. Its this chase, this seduction of a high that I want to emphasize.   

Hypomania is like being high, but not so high that you’re hallucinating or delusional (that would be mania or psychosis).  To define hypomania - its basically a milder form of mania. The need for sleep is reduced, yet still being energetic, talkative, racing thoughts, increased sexuality and shopping tendencies but not having these symptoms negatively interfere with your life, work and personal relationships (which would be full mania). It can be difficult to clearly define. Its only slightly crazy; a cool, tolerable, interesting and fun crazy.  Its feeling like you just scored the game winning touchdown. Or sparking up a joint. Pouring the champagne.  Sweet. 

The drug metaphor is not completely out of place here, as bipolar disorder is actually a biochemical reaction occurring in the brain, much like the effect of a drug.  Both drug and bipolar disorder disrupt neurotransmitters in the brain, thereby affecting the levels of certain chemicals (e.g. serotonin - the feel good hormone) in the body which in turn affect our mood, thoughts and behavior.  Bipolar disorder is essentially a naturally occurring drug reaction in my body which can not always be predicted or explained.    

While doctors don’t know what causes bipolar disorder there has been much research done in an attempt to explain what happens in the brain during bipolar episodes.  They’ve pinpointed 5 main chemicals that: 1) Dopamine, 2) GABA, 3) Glutamate, 4) Norepinephrine, 5) Serotonin.  Whenever something happens to disrupt the neurotransmission of these chemicals there are emotional and/or behavioral consequences, e.g. a mood swing.  Dopamine controls movements and balance, GABA controls calmness, Glutamine controls excitability, Norepinephrine controls stress and Serotonin controls not just happiness but also sleep and memory.   

Ever notice when you’re high your balance and coordination is off? That’s because the drug you’re using is affecting your dopamine transmission.  You calm down and chill out?  That would be a change in norepinephrine level. You feel really happy? That’s an increase in serotonin.  A bipolar episode has a significant change in usually 3 of these, much like the effect of getting high on a few different drugs instead of just one.  

Let’s use serotonin for an indepth example.  We commonly know it as the feel good hormone.  Naturally we all want to feel good, this is why drugs that increase serotonin, both street and pharmaceutical level, are abused.  Amphetamines, cocaine, LSD, ecstasy, codeine, fentanyl are just a few examples. If you’re depressed (e.g. unipolar or suffering from major depressive disorder) there’s a good chance you’re being prescribed an SSRI (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor) such as Prozac, Paxil or Zoloft.  These drugs primarily make you feel happy by preventing serotonin from being reabsorbed, thus increasing the total amount of it in your brain (the more the merrier!).

It sounds like an easy solution to cure bipolar depression as well, however, manic depressives are much too sensitive to altered levels of neurotransmitters and tend to overreact to these class of drugs.  From my personal experience when I took Zoloft and Effexor I went into full blown mania. This is not untypical of bipolars.  Generally anti-depressives work, in a sense, too well on bipolars and are thus not appropriate. Its often how most bipolars are finally diagnosed after years of unrecognized episodes.    

Alas I digress. So to make my point, anybody who’s ever taken any of these drugs, or was recommended to by their doctor, understand what its like to experience a significant change in Serotonin levels. High levels feel good and can be addictive. Low levels feel melancholic and can be life-threatening. This is a simplified explanation of what is happening in the brain of a manic depressive.  Now imagine if this is happening on up to 5 different levels with varying intensity.  That’s why manic depressives act the way they do.  

As I just outlined, there is a scientific explanation to it. This is why bipolars can’t just snap out of it. We’re in a chemically induced state, one that can not just be voluntarily snapped out of anymore than cancer or diabetes can. We don’t know why this happens. Its not fair. But we have to deal with it. So give us a break. 

Hopefully you’re still with me, and I’ve explained this somewhat clearly, because I think this is the reason I modify my behavior in an attempt to get my brain to a hypomanic state. Its the porridge thats just right. And I’m Goldilocks trying to navigate my way through it all. Its just the right balance of these 5 chemicals that feels sooooo good to me.  I’m constantly performing a juggling act with diet, exercise, drugs, alcohol and people in order to achieve this state.  This is my dragon.  Its my beast, burden and saviour.  Its why I act the way I do. Its probably the main reason I’m a call girl and a damn good one... most of the time anyway.   

Before you judge me, take a long hard look at yourself, and I mean this is a non-accusatory way. Aren’t we all trying to find the ideal state of mind?   All the time we spend exercising, at yoga class, fussing over appearance in order to get an approving compliment, the pursuit of sex and orgasm, that bottle of wine, its all the same. Whatever it is, I’m sure you’re working towards some ideal state that makes you feel happier than you normally do.  You’d be a zombie if you didn’t. 

I suppose there are deviant dragons and normal dragons, which is where the judgement, and my resulting need for this clarification blog comes into play.  

So, what’s your dragon?  Are you comfortable discussing it?  Honestly, I’m not, despite everything I’ve written. This blog covered some heavy topics and made me think hard about myself in the process. But after all, isn’t this why I am writing this blog?  It felt good to write this. I hope I didn't ramble too much, and that you enjoyed it as much as I did. 

The bipolar scorpio call girl - Part 1 of 2: One of my many hats

In a previous blog, I discussed my thoughts on how being bipolar may have influenced my decision to become an escort.  In this blog, I want to discuss how being bipolar helps me as an escort, and of course, how it does not.   

More often than not I think that the peculiar quirks or symptoms of bipolar disorder make my choice of career and lifestyle easier to handle.  The heightened sexuality, reduced need for sleep, exuberance, talkative nature, creative streak, affinity for alcohol - are all conducive to the demands made of escorts.  

These are all hypomanic traits of course.  If I were in a full blown mania or a depressive state, the particular quirks associated with those states may often work against my best interests.  For instance, when manic, I often lack good judgement and this can be very dangerous for a working girl.  A bad decision can lead to an STI, an abusive situation or worse.  Being too talkative can also be an undesirable trait. There are somethings about personal lives that should never be said or just talking too much in general can be a turn off for some guys.  A good escort has to make good decisions and pick up subtle clues for conversation on the fly and mania can hamper this ability.  

On the other end of the bipolar spectrum, depression can equally hinder my ability to be a good call girl.  This explanation may be more self-explanatory.   A sad escort is no fun to spend time with. Nobody wants to hang out with a Debbie downer, let alone pay money to!   

But its important to consider how severe the depression is, as my productivity is directly correlated with how depressed I am.  Lacking energy or enthusiasm can be easily disguised for an hour, but sometimes if I’m really down in the dumps I won’t bother to follow up inquiries, answer the phone, check my emails or even get off the couch, which is obviously disastrous for business. I just don’t care. I care less about my appearance when depressed.  My outfits and makeup are far from top notch which is important for an escort. Its all round bad.    

When I had my last mixed episode of agitated depression I did not work for over a week. This was a conscious decision on my part because I was sure I would have ruined my reputation.  It would’ve been a disaster if I had started crying during a session - image how awkward that would be!! I was better off taking a week off and preserving my image rather than scare all my regulars away. There are so many times when I just bite my tongue and say what I know a client wants to hear, but when I’m messed up I can’t be sure that I wouldn’t snap if the wrong thing was said, which would not be cool. Its hard enough to be simultaneously sexy, appeasing and diplomatic when healthy, let alone if I were depressed.  Its hard work being a call girl. 

For example, controlling my irritability has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with my whole life. First just recognizing it as a medical problem, and secondly, learning coping skills (either medications or cognitively) to manage it has not been easy.  I’ve been especially mindful of this bipolar symptom since I’ve started escorting.  I’ve found that it helps when I consider myself as a master role player.  If its a regular I’m seeing, I mentally remember all the things he likes and dislikes, the type of girl he desires and how our previous sessions went.  Reflecting upon those things, I take off my ‘civie’ or normal everyday hat (and with that goes my undesirable qualities) and put on this other hat which makes me a new woman.  I wear many hats.   

Thankfully I do not spend most of my time either manic or depressed.  And when I do end up in either of those states I now seek the help of my doctor. No worries.  

While regulating mood swings is very important for bipolars, most will readily admit that being hypomanic is fantastic.  Unlike depression or mania, its a lovely state where you’re given just enough extra energy and passion to make you feel great and accomplish lots, without the poor judgement of full blown mania.  If I could be chose to live forever in one of the typical states - mania, hypomania, normal/status quo or depressed - I would without hesitation say hypomanic.  Its probably due to the fact that I’ve experienced hypomanic states so many times and enjoyed them throughly without fucking up, that I find myself longing for that state of mind.  Its like chasing a hypomanic dragon.  In this chase I’ve found myself abusing drugs, alcohol, exercise, work and relationships in order to get back to that particular mental state.  Alcohol tempers mania, uppers temper depression, exercise releases endorphins, work the ego and relationships provide both love and compassion. Much like the pursuit of perfection I suppose. 

It is because I make such an effort trying to re-establish this hypomanic state (which I am often successful) that the beneficial traits of bipolar disorder surface and help me with my work.  I can work late into the night, improvise conversation and situations, dress to kill and handle my alcohol with ease when in this mindset. 

Whether or not they realize it, every client loves a hypomanic escort.  With our heightened sexuality the hypomanic escort is capable of being his dream girl.  Just be sure not to ruin it be telling them you’re bipolar!  That’s always a mood killer.  They’ll either get nervous or sympathetic, neither of which are good for love making.  Thoughts of taking advantage of someone sick, the fear of a crazy attack or dealing with confusing mood swings are bad for business.  Isn’t that part of the reason why many of them are taking a little break from their S.O. to begin with?!  I have to be a stable, happy highly sexed hottie.  In other words - hypomanic.   

Heaven forbid I tell them I’m a bipolar scorpio escort.  They’ll surely make a fast dash for the exit, in the fear my uncontrolled emotional reactions would destroy their lives in one act of unrestrained vindictiveness.  Ignorance would ruin a perfectly good work relationship. No, the BSW must keep this hidden from her clients lest she become unemployable.  A good escort is all about fantasy after all, and they don’t want to know my dirty laundry as much they they want to deal with their own S.O.’s dirty laundry.  

Not only does the bipolar hypomanic state help me be a better escort, but I think the nature of the disorder suits the deviant call girl lifestyle.  Most people with bipolar disorder are probably considered a little odd by the status quo.  I want to point out that not all bipolars are escorts, criminals, graveyard shifters or other such odd job holders.  In fact, I doubt very few are. Most probably have normal jobs assuming their mood swings are under control using medication or other therapy.  Its just that the eccentric tendencies of bipolars often make them deviant which can set them up for those odd jobs.  

Being a scorpio, the zodiac sign ruled by their genitalia, doesn’t hurt either.  I personally believe in astrology and have to admit that this generalization definitely has some truth.  It doesn’t mean that every scorpio will be a nymphomaniac or the worlds greatest lover, but there has been a heightened sexuality to most scorpios.  Sometimes its reflected in their sexual appetites, but more often its displayed in their seductive and sultry body language, their style of dress or even the way they eat their food and sip their wine.  Scorpios indulge, enjoy and put as much thought into their daily actions as they would into their sex lives. A friend once called my drinking a milkshake orgasmic. Damn it was good. That’s how scorpios let their genitals rule them.  The essence of sexuality.  A call girl learns to ooze sex appeal like a scorpio.  Sometimes a client wants it obvious, other times subtle, but whichever it is she better figure it out quick and never forget it.  A bipolar scorpio knows how to turn heads their way even when there are prettier girls in the room simply in the way she walks or takes a drink. Its an experience to watch a bipolar scorpio. 

Yes, being both bipolar and scorpio gives me an advantage as a call girl.  I just have to watch out for the extremes that both bipolars and scorpios are known for from ruining my reputation.  Yes, even prostitutes need to maintain a ‘good’ reputation. For example, if too many negative reviews are written about me on TERB (the Toronto Escort Review Board) or TER (The Erotic Review) my business will falter. I need to stay on top of my game, and that’s easier to do when feeling good and energetic. Thus I chase my hypomanic dragon.  

So how am I doing? Well to quote Charlie Sheen (everybody’s favorite undiagnosed bipolar, train wreck en-route and favorite client of so many escorts) I’m soooooo WINNING! Actually cum to think about it, because I’m both bipolar and scorpio I truly am BI-WINNING!  

Remember, I am not just the BSW, I am also the BSCG. I am many things.