The Sub-Birthday Present

This is an interesting email I received earlier this week:

“Hi sweetie,

I am looking for a beautiful lady to role play with this Friday (a dom/sub role play).  

It is my husband's birthday and you are my surprise birthday present to him. I've discussed this before with him, but he doesn't know that I am surprising him next Friday ;)

It will be a dom/sub session including bondage with me as your Mistress and him as your Master. Of course, It all depends on your comfort level of course and we will take it slowly. 

It will be completely consensual and safe words will be used.

Let me know what you think as soon as you can.

Love,

Nancy (name changed for privacy)”

I declined her offer.  

There were a couple things that gave me a bad feeling about this invite, and as an independent escort I listen to my gut feeling 100% of the time. 

Although I do enjoy a good bondage session and role play in general, I will not be the submissive in bondage the first time I meet someone, even more so for a couple.  Safe words and promises mean nothing if trust has not been fully established between me and them. 

However, you might be surprised to hear that it wasn’t their dom/sub bondage request that bothered me the most.  It was more so the way her (Nancy) writing style came across to me that spooked me most. 

The way that she said I would be the gift for him, an implied assumption, a woman appearing as friendly and trust-worthy in order to draw another woman into a vulnerable situation, using the word Love. 

These features in her written email make me think of some horrible crimes that are currently in the courts whereby young women/girls were lured by other women into situations where they were raped and murdered.  

For example:

- Aleksandra Firgan-Hewie was murdered by Michelle Liard and her boyfriend, Rafal LaSota. 

- Tori Stafford, the young girl who was raped and murdered by Terri-Lynne McClintic and her boyfriend Michael Rafferty.

- And how could we ever forget about Paul Bernardo and Karla Holmoka?? 

Now, with this being said, I may be totally wrong about ‘Nancy’ and her husbands intentions for Friday night. But I’m not willing to take that chance. 

I understand there is always an inherent level of risk in my line of work.  But I have drawn a clear line in my mind regarding what acts I’m comfortable doing and where I will go.  Have no doubts that I have certain safety and security checks in place.   I would not be doing this work by choice if I wasn’t cool with it.  

I didn’t intend to share this story with the objective to scare my readers. Don’t lose any sleep over this please!  Personally, I just rolled my eyes when I read it and thought it might be good material for the blog.   These days I’m feeling pretty good, healthy and sane - good for me but bad for the BSW blog perhaps.  Don't fret my friends, I expect I’ll still have some good material to write about from my escort work and the media always seems to throw me a bone every once in a while.   Stayed tuned.

Anti-Bullying Day: my reflections on being bullied now that I'm all grown up

The last Wednesday of February is now officially Anti-Bullying Day (or Pink Shirt Day).  As a child who was bullied from grade 7-12 I’m happy to hear that this subject is finally being taken seriously.  Because when I was bullied in school it was simply accepted as just the way things are. Deal with it.  And so I did. 

Reflecting back on those years, how I was bullied by other students and how I dealt with it, I realized that the coping strategies that I resultantly developed has greatly affected my life and my behaviour as an adult.  

Every kid who’s been bullied knows their number one strategy is to keep a low profile.  If the bullies can’t see you then they can’t terrorize you. So I didn’t participate in very many extra-curricular activities at school.  I went home for lunch everyday, and tended to find the quietest corner in the building and stuck my head in a book.  I spent a lot of time alone. I isolated myself.  I became very independent and self-sufficient as well.  

Although at the time I suffered emotionally from their cruelty, these circumstances cultivated some valuable characteristic traits that as an adult I am very glad to possess.  I am very observant, resourceful, independent, self-sufficient and compassionate then most of the other people I went to school with (I’ve met several of my old classmates years after we finished high school).  

Here are a couple examples of how bullying has affected my adult life to help clarify my point:

1. I travel alone. And I have no qualms about that. Most people would never consider backpacking Europe, going camping or taking a beach vacation by themselves. If they couldn’t get their spouse or their friends to go with them they’ll just stay home.  I never let opportunities pass me by.  If no one is able to go with me I won’t miss the big event.  Others call me strange, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing in my mind.  

2. I work as an independent escort. This type of work is not for everyone because of the tendency to strain personal relationships.  But since I don’t have many friends (just a few real ones I suppose) its not hard to keep this big secret. I am quite comfortable being isolated and I’m great at keeping a low profile in society.  Being bullied as a child has given me skills to be an excellent escort ironically. 

Looking back on it all, and speaking from personal experience, if I could offer any advice for those being bullied I would tell them: try to find some way to get through grade school.  Then you can get away from all those sad nasty creatures once and for all.  Wether its university, work or travel that you chose to do after grade 12 you can do it away from them.  It gets better.  

And I truly believe that I’m a much more beautiful soul than any of those bullies are. 

What Stresses Me Out

We all face stress in our lives. Its inevitable.  The only thing that varies is the type and amount of stress that we each face.  Me, the BSW, I have found that I face 3 different types of stress, each with their own components.  

2/3 factors I can not change - bipolar and scorpio, but the 3rd factor - escort work - is by choice. With that said, I think no matter what our choice of job is, it will always have some kind of stress.  Its just that each job stress is different I expect.  Some will be more stressful than others.  

Lets start with what I consider the easiest stress for me to deal with:

1. Being a scorpio.  My stress usually comes from dealing with intensity.  I am passionate, suspicious, jealous, hardworking and loyal. These bring with them their own stress. But I can deal with that. 

2. The stress of escort work is the second largest source of stress in my life.  I have to worry about: 

1. abuse from clients - e.g. physical, sexual, theft
2. law enforcement (e.g. my incall operation)
3. STI 
4. injury preventing me from working (e.g. if I broke my leg I'd find it harder to make money)
5. the typical problems of running a small business (cost of ads, overheads, competition, etc.)
6. family/friends finding out 

Of the 6 stressors I have from my escort work, the latter is the biggest source of stress by far.  I hate lying so much, yet I find I have to lie to the ones I love the most in order to protect them from this secret.  My biggest fear in life is not being arrested or catching an STD, I would rather suffer one of those burdens then to ever have my parents find out about my escorting.  Its not that I would be embarrassed, but they would never understand why I do this.  They can’t see prostitution from both sides of the issue, they only see it as a bad thing.  Thus they would feel that they failed, that I was a victim, and they would be devastated as a consequence. They'd rack their brains over where they went wrong? They’d lie awake every night, in tears.  I couldn't bear that.  But why can't I make my own choice as an adult either? Its an awful situation. 

  

I’ve thought about this a lot.  And I have come up with an excellent excuse if they ever did find out about this.  I know you’d love to hear, but I’m not comfortable disclosing my safe bailout plan online.  I will tell you this much.  I have a legit small business that is my cover job, and I have a second legit excuse to cover what might appear to be prostitution.  I’ll leave it at that.  But I have a 2 step plan, well thought out and already in place to cover my ass just in case I’m ever outed.  Let’s just hope it never comes to that. 

Not to sound too scary, but if BSW was ever outed by someone, and she knew who it was, god help them.  I have the same view of honour, integrity and trust as the mob does.  But that’s probably a scorpio trait too.  Loyalty and honour is gold.  Betrayal is unforgivable.  A good escort would never out her clients. And a good escort should also be protected.  All those who’ve met me will agree, I am truly a kind person.  But you’ll all just have to settle with the anonymity or have fun guessing. 

3. While lying to family is damn near the biggest stressor in my life, I have to admit that the stress my bipolar disorder causes just narrowly beats it out.  

If I could change one thing in my life it would be being bipolar.   

I do not have the time or energy to state every reason why this trumps all, but I’ll give you the 2 main reasons I think explain the significance of my particular case of BD. 

1. Ignorance
2. Side effects of medications

The average person does not understand bipolar disorder.  Because of their ignorance they often believe that those suffering with bipolar disorder are ill all of their life; constantly delusional or psychotic, unable to control themselves, unable to reason, and are thus dangers to themselves and/or others.  This is simply not true.  While all of these factors are of concern to people with bipolar disorder, most people blow them our of proportion in terms of frequency and severity.  I have experienced this first hand, and it feels horrible. Its a huge reason I hide my mental health issues and of course this is very stressful for me. 

Secondly, the medications for the treatment of bipolar disorder all have awful side-effects. I have tried to treat my disorder with several mainstream medications (e.g. lithium, lamotrigine, seroquel, abilify) and all medications have had side effects that have seriously affected the quality of my life. I won’t re-state those side-effects here, I’ve mention this in a previous blog.  

So many people have said just take my medicine and I’ll be OK, but when the side-effects are often worse than the disease, its not such an easy decision.  Most people don’t understand this. 

To sum this blog up:

Ignorance and medical side-effects are 2 of the biggest stresses in my life.  Followed closely by lying to family and friends about my ‘real’ work.   

IMHO, as the BSW, I think its easier to be a prostitute than to be bipolar.  

The bipolar scorpio call girl - Part 1 of 2: One of my many hats

In a previous blog, I discussed my thoughts on how being bipolar may have influenced my decision to become an escort.  In this blog, I want to discuss how being bipolar helps me as an escort, and of course, how it does not.   

More often than not I think that the peculiar quirks or symptoms of bipolar disorder make my choice of career and lifestyle easier to handle.  The heightened sexuality, reduced need for sleep, exuberance, talkative nature, creative streak, affinity for alcohol - are all conducive to the demands made of escorts.  

These are all hypomanic traits of course.  If I were in a full blown mania or a depressive state, the particular quirks associated with those states may often work against my best interests.  For instance, when manic, I often lack good judgement and this can be very dangerous for a working girl.  A bad decision can lead to an STI, an abusive situation or worse.  Being too talkative can also be an undesirable trait. There are somethings about personal lives that should never be said or just talking too much in general can be a turn off for some guys.  A good escort has to make good decisions and pick up subtle clues for conversation on the fly and mania can hamper this ability.  

On the other end of the bipolar spectrum, depression can equally hinder my ability to be a good call girl.  This explanation may be more self-explanatory.   A sad escort is no fun to spend time with. Nobody wants to hang out with a Debbie downer, let alone pay money to!   

But its important to consider how severe the depression is, as my productivity is directly correlated with how depressed I am.  Lacking energy or enthusiasm can be easily disguised for an hour, but sometimes if I’m really down in the dumps I won’t bother to follow up inquiries, answer the phone, check my emails or even get off the couch, which is obviously disastrous for business. I just don’t care. I care less about my appearance when depressed.  My outfits and makeup are far from top notch which is important for an escort. Its all round bad.    

When I had my last mixed episode of agitated depression I did not work for over a week. This was a conscious decision on my part because I was sure I would have ruined my reputation.  It would’ve been a disaster if I had started crying during a session - image how awkward that would be!! I was better off taking a week off and preserving my image rather than scare all my regulars away. There are so many times when I just bite my tongue and say what I know a client wants to hear, but when I’m messed up I can’t be sure that I wouldn’t snap if the wrong thing was said, which would not be cool. Its hard enough to be simultaneously sexy, appeasing and diplomatic when healthy, let alone if I were depressed.  Its hard work being a call girl. 

For example, controlling my irritability has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with my whole life. First just recognizing it as a medical problem, and secondly, learning coping skills (either medications or cognitively) to manage it has not been easy.  I’ve been especially mindful of this bipolar symptom since I’ve started escorting.  I’ve found that it helps when I consider myself as a master role player.  If its a regular I’m seeing, I mentally remember all the things he likes and dislikes, the type of girl he desires and how our previous sessions went.  Reflecting upon those things, I take off my ‘civie’ or normal everyday hat (and with that goes my undesirable qualities) and put on this other hat which makes me a new woman.  I wear many hats.   

Thankfully I do not spend most of my time either manic or depressed.  And when I do end up in either of those states I now seek the help of my doctor. No worries.  

While regulating mood swings is very important for bipolars, most will readily admit that being hypomanic is fantastic.  Unlike depression or mania, its a lovely state where you’re given just enough extra energy and passion to make you feel great and accomplish lots, without the poor judgement of full blown mania.  If I could be chose to live forever in one of the typical states - mania, hypomania, normal/status quo or depressed - I would without hesitation say hypomanic.  Its probably due to the fact that I’ve experienced hypomanic states so many times and enjoyed them throughly without fucking up, that I find myself longing for that state of mind.  Its like chasing a hypomanic dragon.  In this chase I’ve found myself abusing drugs, alcohol, exercise, work and relationships in order to get back to that particular mental state.  Alcohol tempers mania, uppers temper depression, exercise releases endorphins, work the ego and relationships provide both love and compassion. Much like the pursuit of perfection I suppose. 

It is because I make such an effort trying to re-establish this hypomanic state (which I am often successful) that the beneficial traits of bipolar disorder surface and help me with my work.  I can work late into the night, improvise conversation and situations, dress to kill and handle my alcohol with ease when in this mindset. 

Whether or not they realize it, every client loves a hypomanic escort.  With our heightened sexuality the hypomanic escort is capable of being his dream girl.  Just be sure not to ruin it be telling them you’re bipolar!  That’s always a mood killer.  They’ll either get nervous or sympathetic, neither of which are good for love making.  Thoughts of taking advantage of someone sick, the fear of a crazy attack or dealing with confusing mood swings are bad for business.  Isn’t that part of the reason why many of them are taking a little break from their S.O. to begin with?!  I have to be a stable, happy highly sexed hottie.  In other words - hypomanic.   

Heaven forbid I tell them I’m a bipolar scorpio escort.  They’ll surely make a fast dash for the exit, in the fear my uncontrolled emotional reactions would destroy their lives in one act of unrestrained vindictiveness.  Ignorance would ruin a perfectly good work relationship. No, the BSW must keep this hidden from her clients lest she become unemployable.  A good escort is all about fantasy after all, and they don’t want to know my dirty laundry as much they they want to deal with their own S.O.’s dirty laundry.  

Not only does the bipolar hypomanic state help me be a better escort, but I think the nature of the disorder suits the deviant call girl lifestyle.  Most people with bipolar disorder are probably considered a little odd by the status quo.  I want to point out that not all bipolars are escorts, criminals, graveyard shifters or other such odd job holders.  In fact, I doubt very few are. Most probably have normal jobs assuming their mood swings are under control using medication or other therapy.  Its just that the eccentric tendencies of bipolars often make them deviant which can set them up for those odd jobs.  

Being a scorpio, the zodiac sign ruled by their genitalia, doesn’t hurt either.  I personally believe in astrology and have to admit that this generalization definitely has some truth.  It doesn’t mean that every scorpio will be a nymphomaniac or the worlds greatest lover, but there has been a heightened sexuality to most scorpios.  Sometimes its reflected in their sexual appetites, but more often its displayed in their seductive and sultry body language, their style of dress or even the way they eat their food and sip their wine.  Scorpios indulge, enjoy and put as much thought into their daily actions as they would into their sex lives. A friend once called my drinking a milkshake orgasmic. Damn it was good. That’s how scorpios let their genitals rule them.  The essence of sexuality.  A call girl learns to ooze sex appeal like a scorpio.  Sometimes a client wants it obvious, other times subtle, but whichever it is she better figure it out quick and never forget it.  A bipolar scorpio knows how to turn heads their way even when there are prettier girls in the room simply in the way she walks or takes a drink. Its an experience to watch a bipolar scorpio. 

Yes, being both bipolar and scorpio gives me an advantage as a call girl.  I just have to watch out for the extremes that both bipolars and scorpios are known for from ruining my reputation.  Yes, even prostitutes need to maintain a ‘good’ reputation. For example, if too many negative reviews are written about me on TERB (the Toronto Escort Review Board) or TER (The Erotic Review) my business will falter. I need to stay on top of my game, and that’s easier to do when feeling good and energetic. Thus I chase my hypomanic dragon.  

So how am I doing? Well to quote Charlie Sheen (everybody’s favorite undiagnosed bipolar, train wreck en-route and favorite client of so many escorts) I’m soooooo WINNING! Actually cum to think about it, because I’m both bipolar and scorpio I truly am BI-WINNING!  

Remember, I am not just the BSW, I am also the BSCG. I am many things.

How I came to be an escort

Often I’ll be sitting on the couch chatting with a client over a glass of wine. Or maybe we’re both naked laying in the afterglow when their curiosity gets the better of them and they have to ask me “How did I become an escort?”  Most people think that girls like me would never prostitute themselves. They don’t have to. I certainly don’t have to, that’s true. I am a well educated, intelligent, nice young lady.  I had a good upbringing, feel loved, not trafficked or addicted to hardcore drugs. But I still sell my body. Why?  What most people don’t understand is that a rare few women can actually enjoy this work and get into it by choice. Not always are prostitutes forced by desperation, deceit or drugs as mainstream media and religious groups would have you believe. 

Honestly, I consider this work more dignified than being a servant at a fast food restaurant or paper pusher trapped in a cubicle. I also get paid what I’m worth.  I could never go back to earning $10/hr when I currently make $200/hr. I’m also my own boss and set my own schedule.  Which women are really slaves in society? Not the deviant. 

However, my free choice to become an escort did not come about lightly or typically, and there were many extenuating circumstances that lead me in this direction initially.  Let me share them with you...

I believe my bipolar disorder has played a major role. I was manic when it all began.  I had just been diagnosed, fired from my job at the bookstore, taking (prescribed) anti-depressant medication which were inappropriate for me (although not recognized at the time) and in my mania I was not thinking logically. I was also highly promiscuous, another symptom of bipolar mania.  My perfect storm was brewing. 

As we know people who are manic are not thinking clearly and logically. It is often the poor judgement calls they make while ill that cause them the most trouble in life.  I was incredibly promiscuous at this point due to my illness. After another one night stand I jokingly thought to myself how great it would be if I could get paid for having all this sex.  Hhhmmm, actually, you know what, I’m a girl with a hot body, I really could.  It seemed like a good idea at the time.  A week later I called up an escort service (I worked with this agency for my first 6 months before going indie) and the rest as they say is history. 

Here’s the catch. Although I was manic and not in my right mind when I starting hooking I didn’t stay sick forever.  I got healthy after a few months and came back to my right mind.  The surprising thing was that even with a clear mind I wanted to keep hooking.  I felt surprisingly empowered.  It gives me control in my life where I otherwise would not possess any.  It gives me money, power and self-confidence.  This is hard for most people to understand because of personal hang ups (e.g. religious/ethical beliefs, illegal trafficking and drug addiction, media protroyal, hypocritical laws and their enforcement, inability to separate sex and love, fear of disease, etc.).   

Yet, I’ve often wondered IF I were diagnosed earlier would I have become a prostitute?  I mean, IF I hadn’t made poor judgement calls because I was mentally ill which resulted in me getting fired would I not have thought about a career change?  Would I still have been so sexually active and thought about exchanging sex for money?  

One of the major factors which probably caused my swing into full blown mania was my usage of anti-depressant medications.  Bipolar patients have a very poor tolerance for anti-depressants typically prescribed for unipolar depression.  Instead of just cheering us up, it sends us over the fucking moon. I went over the fucking moon into mania and it wasn’t until all the poor decisions caught up with me, when all the damage was done that it became painfully clear what was going on inside me.  Initially my psychiatrist diagnosed me with major depressive disorder when I first presented myself to him.   

I honestly wonder IF I wasn’t prescribed certain meds would I have chosen to become an escort?  I can never say for sure but it does make me wonder. I don’t blame my psychiatrist for this, nobody knew about the full spectrum of my mood disorder at that time.  I don’t solely blame the meds.  However, I think it is something that should be considered, especially when diagnosing patients whose full history or tolerance may be unknown.  Its a conundrum for sure. 

Naturally, I don’t tell this whole perfect storm story to each client that asks me how I came to be an escort. Most people probably wouldn’t be comfortable with my bipolar disorder.  What I tell them is that I have a high sex drive and figured I might as well get paid for it, and also that I had a hard time finding a decent paying job with just my bachelor’s degree.  It sure beats waitressing I laugh. 

One final note that I want to stress. Please keep in mind, this is my story and not anyone else’s. How I react to things may be very different than others so I wouldn’t expect all women in my situation to become prostitutes. Not all women with bipolar disorder become prostitutes!  I am unique. 

Let me introduce myself

I’m not sure how I feel about keeping this blog.  On one side, because my mind is often overactive, too reactive or ill-reactive, I have a constant urge to write down what I’m thinking.  Writing is cathartic for me and it also helps me digest my thoughts.  Its also an excellent way to keep track of my moods and behavior over a longer period of time. Its hard for me to self-assess at times when I’m mentally ill.  Keeping an anonymous blog allows me to vent, release, record and also perhaps hear the opinion of a few followers which is always interesting, sometimes good, sometimes bad.

On the other hand, I want to remain anonymous due to the stigma attached to mental illness, and the very sensitive topics I am going to write about.  If my family found out all the things I did I know they would be devastated.  So if I can keep this blog - an honest blunt one about what its like to be a bipolar scorpio woman, while maintaining my privacy - I’d like to give it a go.  I think it will be good for me. 

Two of the heaviest burdens that I bear - one by choice, the other by chance - is that I have chosen to be an escort and that I am bipolar.  Very few people know both of these things.  So to write it out in black and white on a public blog is a very big step for me. I value my privacy and independence fiercely and never want that compromised.  However, I have so many interesting things to talk about.  I do want to make it clear from the beginning that this will not be a blog about escorting.  Sure, I will discuss it in the grand scheme of things in my life, but it is not the primary objective of the blog, which is - my life as a bipolar scorpio woman (BSW).  

So why did I choose this title?  Funny story.  I was in my doctor’s office one morning and I was discussing with him how many of the symptoms of bipolar disorder (e.g. the passion and intensity of the mania’s, the dramatic mood swings, deep dark depressions) are often listed as characteristics of scorpios as well, and that for most of my life I thought many of my unrecognized symptoms of my mood disorder (bipolar disorder is a mental illness that is classified as a mood disorder) was just me being a stereotypical scorpio.  In my teen years I determined my full astrological profile and for those that may understand the significance my sun, mercury, venus, mars and neptune were all in scorpio!   Then I thought just what an incredible person I must be, because it was like I have all these traits, but squared.  Now that’s intense! I’m not sure if this is good or bad, but it is what it is. Being both bipolar and a scorpio can stir up some strong moods.  Indeed it has brought me many great things in my life and also ruined many relationships and opportunities equally.  

I looked at my doctor and jokingly said ‘Now that would be a great profile username for a dating site - Bipolar Scorpio Woman!  How many hits do you think I would get?”  We both burst out laughing.  Too funny.  Since I’m not on any online dating sites I thought that I would use the title for my blog instead. 

I hope you enjoy what’s to come. - BSW