We all face stress in our lives. Its inevitable. The only thing that varies is the type and amount of stress that we each face. Me, the BSW, I have found that I face 3 different types of stress, each with their own components.
2/3 factors I can not change - bipolar and scorpio, but the 3rd factor - escort work - is by choice. With that said, I think no matter what our choice of job is, it will always have some kind of stress. Its just that each job stress is different I expect. Some will be more stressful than others.
Lets start with what I consider the easiest stress for me to deal with:
1. Being a scorpio. My stress usually comes from dealing with intensity. I am passionate, suspicious, jealous, hardworking and loyal. These bring with them their own stress. But I can deal with that.
2. The stress of escort work is the second largest source of stress in my life. I have to worry about:
- abuse from clients - e.g. physical, sexual, theft
- law enforcement (e.g. my incall operation)
- STI
- injury preventing me from working (e.g. if I broke my leg I'd find it harder to make money)
- the typical problems of running a small business (cost of ads, overheads, competition, etc.)
- family/friends finding out
Of the 6 stressors I have from my escort work, the latter is the biggest source of stress by far. I hate lying so much, yet I find I have to lie to the ones I love the most in order to protect them from this secret. My biggest fear in life is not being arrested or catching an STD, I would rather suffer one of those burdens then to ever have my parents find out about my escorting. Its not that I would be embarrassed, but they would never understand why I do this. They can’t see prostitution from both sides of the issue, they only see it as a bad thing. Thus they would feel that they failed, that I was a victim, and they would be devastated as a consequence. They'd rack their brains over where they went wrong? They’d lie awake every night, in tears. I couldn't bear that. But why can't I make my own choice as an adult either? Its an awful situation.
I’ve thought about this a lot. And I have come up with an excellent excuse if they ever did find out about this. I know you’d love to hear, but I’m not comfortable disclosing my safe bailout plan online. I will tell you this much. I have a legit small business that is my cover job, and I have a second legit excuse to cover what might appear to be prostitution. I’ll leave it at that. But I have a 2 step plan, well thought out and already in place to cover my ass just in case I’m ever outed. Let’s just hope it never comes to that.
Not to sound too scary, but if BSW was ever outed by someone, and she knew who it was, god help them. I have the same view of honour, integrity and trust as the mob does. But that’s probably a scorpio trait too. Loyalty and honour is gold. Betrayal is unforgivable. A good escort would never out her clients. And a good escort should also be protected. All those who’ve met me will agree, I am truly a kind person. But you’ll all just have to settle with the anonymity or have fun guessing.
3. While lying to family is damn near the biggest stressor in my life, I have to admit that the stress my bipolar disorder causes just narrowly beats it out.
If I could change one thing in my life it would be being bipolar.
I do not have the time or energy to state every reason why this trumps all, but I’ll give you the 2 main reasons I think explain the significance of my particular case of BD.
- Ignorance
- Side effects of medications
The average person does not understand bipolar disorder. Because of their ignorance they often believe that those suffering with bipolar disorder are ill all of their life; constantly delusional or psychotic, unable to control themselves, unable to reason, and are thus dangers to themselves and/or others. This is simply not true. While all of these factors are of concern to people with bipolar disorder, most people blow them our of proportion in terms of frequency and severity. I have experienced this first hand, and it feels horrible. Its a huge reason I hide my mental health issues and of course this is very stressful for me.
Secondly, the medications for the treatment of bipolar disorder all have awful side-effects. I have tried to treat my disorder with several mainstream medications (e.g. lithium, lamotrigine, seroquel, abilify) and all medications have had side effects that have seriously affected the quality of my life. I won’t re-state those side-effects here, I’ve mention this in a previous blog.
So many people have said just take my medicine and I’ll be OK, but when the side-effects are often worse than the disease, its not such an easy decision. Most people don’t understand this.
To sum this blog up:
Ignorance and medical side-effects are 2 of the biggest stresses in my life. Followed closely by lying to family and friends about my ‘real’ work.
IMHO, as the BSW, I think its easier to be a prostitute than to be bipolar.
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