Do you need a ride baby?

I’ll never forget the first time someone thought I was a prostitute.  I was only 16 yrs old.  I think I’d like to write about it now. So here goes. 

Some years ago, when I was only 16 (like I said), I was part of a volunteer committee for a charity group.  Every few months we’d have fundraisers for our charity.  In this particular instance, we had a DJ donate his time, as well as, a charitable hall owner donate space for the evening.  The night was a success and we had a great evening of fun, music and dance that raised money for our charity.  All was going well - it was a good night thus far.  

As a volunteer I was part of the clean up crew.  So I stayed late after the event.  Up until just right after this everything was fine. However, as the evening grew late all my friends’ rides came, and then went. They all got their safe ride home as I watched.   My father told me he would pick me up after the event (at 10pm) just like every other girl friend of mine.  But 10pm came and went.  The last of my friends offered me a ride home, but I told them it was OK, my dad was on his way. I was sure.  He said he would be there. 

The hall proprietor came out to lock the door and ask me if I was OK.  I said yes, my dad was on his way.  Now remember, this was before the time when we all had cell phones so instant communication wasn’t an option.  The hall owner offered to let me use the house phone (e.g. landline), because he was worried. I saw the concern on his face, so to settle his mind, I did, but the phone rang off the wall back at home.  Dad obviously had to be on his way to get me.  After much re-assurance, he went on his way home. 

I sat there on the steps of the hall, downtown on a Friday night, waiting for my dad to come get me.  10:30pm came and went. It was now 11pm.   I should probably add some perspective here for good measure.  The owner of the hall, who often donated in kind, was also located in the bad part of downtown, where the colourful characters came out at night.  Including the ladies of the night. Thus, it wasn’t long until the action picked up.  

The first car stopped for me at 11pm.  “Hey, do you need a ride?” he rolled down his window and asked me.  “No, I’m OK.” I replied.  Confused, he asked if I was sure then he moved on, slightly perplexed.  Several more cars slowed down, glanced me over, asked if I needed a lift before being uncharacteristically declined by a woman such as myself.  It was only after the second invitation that I realize what was going on.  All these men thought I was hooking.  I was 16. I was waiting for my dad who forgot about me and left me vulnerable to these predators. 

I always found it funny when I heard about those fathers who threatened to pull out shotguns on any guy who threatened to lay a dishonorable hand on their daughter.  Did those really exist?  My father never did anything like that. I thought that father was a creation of primetime comedy television.  My father - the real life father - was the type of man who didn’t really care that his daughter was left alone waiting for a ride home in the bad part of downtown on a Friday night while he lazily slept on the couch.  Lost in the land of nod. Dreaming sweet dreams of sugar plums dancing in his head.   

Alas, 2 hrs late he awoke, realized he needed to pick me up and finally did so.  Luckily, no one too aggressive approached me that night.   It was the first time I truly realized how less my father cared about my well-being than any of my other girl-friends fathers did for them.  I felt really shitty all of a sudden. 

Suddenly I felt confused, scared, sad, alone, frightened and disappointed. Please continue to add whatever word is appropriate here _______.

My dad didn’t give a fuck about leaving me alone in the bad part of downtown on Friday night while strange men preyed on me.  This was my first experience with prostitution.  I was 16.  Of course I was not really for sale until several years later, but it was quite the awakening experience.  I wish my father cared more about me.  Maybe I would’ve turned out different. But there’s no point asking what if questions.  They’ll only drive us crazy. 

I often wonder how much this experience affected my life. If this didn't happen would I have thought as much about prostitution as I did?  Would things have been different if my dad wasn't a lazy ass?  Argh - these are what if questions.  I told myself I'm not allowed to ask these questions.  No good will come of them.  

What Stresses Me Out

We all face stress in our lives. Its inevitable.  The only thing that varies is the type and amount of stress that we each face.  Me, the BSW, I have found that I face 3 different types of stress, each with their own components.  

2/3 factors I can not change - bipolar and scorpio, but the 3rd factor - escort work - is by choice. With that said, I think no matter what our choice of job is, it will always have some kind of stress.  Its just that each job stress is different I expect.  Some will be more stressful than others.  

Lets start with what I consider the easiest stress for me to deal with:

1. Being a scorpio.  My stress usually comes from dealing with intensity.  I am passionate, suspicious, jealous, hardworking and loyal. These bring with them their own stress. But I can deal with that. 

2. The stress of escort work is the second largest source of stress in my life.  I have to worry about: 

1. abuse from clients - e.g. physical, sexual, theft
2. law enforcement (e.g. my incall operation)
3. STI 
4. injury preventing me from working (e.g. if I broke my leg I'd find it harder to make money)
5. the typical problems of running a small business (cost of ads, overheads, competition, etc.)
6. family/friends finding out 

Of the 6 stressors I have from my escort work, the latter is the biggest source of stress by far.  I hate lying so much, yet I find I have to lie to the ones I love the most in order to protect them from this secret.  My biggest fear in life is not being arrested or catching an STD, I would rather suffer one of those burdens then to ever have my parents find out about my escorting.  Its not that I would be embarrassed, but they would never understand why I do this.  They can’t see prostitution from both sides of the issue, they only see it as a bad thing.  Thus they would feel that they failed, that I was a victim, and they would be devastated as a consequence. They'd rack their brains over where they went wrong? They’d lie awake every night, in tears.  I couldn't bear that.  But why can't I make my own choice as an adult either? Its an awful situation. 

  

I’ve thought about this a lot.  And I have come up with an excellent excuse if they ever did find out about this.  I know you’d love to hear, but I’m not comfortable disclosing my safe bailout plan online.  I will tell you this much.  I have a legit small business that is my cover job, and I have a second legit excuse to cover what might appear to be prostitution.  I’ll leave it at that.  But I have a 2 step plan, well thought out and already in place to cover my ass just in case I’m ever outed.  Let’s just hope it never comes to that. 

Not to sound too scary, but if BSW was ever outed by someone, and she knew who it was, god help them.  I have the same view of honour, integrity and trust as the mob does.  But that’s probably a scorpio trait too.  Loyalty and honour is gold.  Betrayal is unforgivable.  A good escort would never out her clients. And a good escort should also be protected.  All those who’ve met me will agree, I am truly a kind person.  But you’ll all just have to settle with the anonymity or have fun guessing. 

3. While lying to family is damn near the biggest stressor in my life, I have to admit that the stress my bipolar disorder causes just narrowly beats it out.  

If I could change one thing in my life it would be being bipolar.   

I do not have the time or energy to state every reason why this trumps all, but I’ll give you the 2 main reasons I think explain the significance of my particular case of BD. 

1. Ignorance
2. Side effects of medications

The average person does not understand bipolar disorder.  Because of their ignorance they often believe that those suffering with bipolar disorder are ill all of their life; constantly delusional or psychotic, unable to control themselves, unable to reason, and are thus dangers to themselves and/or others.  This is simply not true.  While all of these factors are of concern to people with bipolar disorder, most people blow them our of proportion in terms of frequency and severity.  I have experienced this first hand, and it feels horrible. Its a huge reason I hide my mental health issues and of course this is very stressful for me. 

Secondly, the medications for the treatment of bipolar disorder all have awful side-effects. I have tried to treat my disorder with several mainstream medications (e.g. lithium, lamotrigine, seroquel, abilify) and all medications have had side effects that have seriously affected the quality of my life. I won’t re-state those side-effects here, I’ve mention this in a previous blog.  

So many people have said just take my medicine and I’ll be OK, but when the side-effects are often worse than the disease, its not such an easy decision.  Most people don’t understand this. 

To sum this blog up:

Ignorance and medical side-effects are 2 of the biggest stresses in my life.  Followed closely by lying to family and friends about my ‘real’ work.   

IMHO, as the BSW, I think its easier to be a prostitute than to be bipolar.  

The bipolar scorpio call girl - Part 1 of 2: One of my many hats

In a previous blog, I discussed my thoughts on how being bipolar may have influenced my decision to become an escort.  In this blog, I want to discuss how being bipolar helps me as an escort, and of course, how it does not.   

More often than not I think that the peculiar quirks or symptoms of bipolar disorder make my choice of career and lifestyle easier to handle.  The heightened sexuality, reduced need for sleep, exuberance, talkative nature, creative streak, affinity for alcohol - are all conducive to the demands made of escorts.  

These are all hypomanic traits of course.  If I were in a full blown mania or a depressive state, the particular quirks associated with those states may often work against my best interests.  For instance, when manic, I often lack good judgement and this can be very dangerous for a working girl.  A bad decision can lead to an STI, an abusive situation or worse.  Being too talkative can also be an undesirable trait. There are somethings about personal lives that should never be said or just talking too much in general can be a turn off for some guys.  A good escort has to make good decisions and pick up subtle clues for conversation on the fly and mania can hamper this ability.  

On the other end of the bipolar spectrum, depression can equally hinder my ability to be a good call girl.  This explanation may be more self-explanatory.   A sad escort is no fun to spend time with. Nobody wants to hang out with a Debbie downer, let alone pay money to!   

But its important to consider how severe the depression is, as my productivity is directly correlated with how depressed I am.  Lacking energy or enthusiasm can be easily disguised for an hour, but sometimes if I’m really down in the dumps I won’t bother to follow up inquiries, answer the phone, check my emails or even get off the couch, which is obviously disastrous for business. I just don’t care. I care less about my appearance when depressed.  My outfits and makeup are far from top notch which is important for an escort. Its all round bad.    

When I had my last mixed episode of agitated depression I did not work for over a week. This was a conscious decision on my part because I was sure I would have ruined my reputation.  It would’ve been a disaster if I had started crying during a session - image how awkward that would be!! I was better off taking a week off and preserving my image rather than scare all my regulars away. There are so many times when I just bite my tongue and say what I know a client wants to hear, but when I’m messed up I can’t be sure that I wouldn’t snap if the wrong thing was said, which would not be cool. Its hard enough to be simultaneously sexy, appeasing and diplomatic when healthy, let alone if I were depressed.  Its hard work being a call girl. 

For example, controlling my irritability has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with my whole life. First just recognizing it as a medical problem, and secondly, learning coping skills (either medications or cognitively) to manage it has not been easy.  I’ve been especially mindful of this bipolar symptom since I’ve started escorting.  I’ve found that it helps when I consider myself as a master role player.  If its a regular I’m seeing, I mentally remember all the things he likes and dislikes, the type of girl he desires and how our previous sessions went.  Reflecting upon those things, I take off my ‘civie’ or normal everyday hat (and with that goes my undesirable qualities) and put on this other hat which makes me a new woman.  I wear many hats.   

Thankfully I do not spend most of my time either manic or depressed.  And when I do end up in either of those states I now seek the help of my doctor. No worries.  

While regulating mood swings is very important for bipolars, most will readily admit that being hypomanic is fantastic.  Unlike depression or mania, its a lovely state where you’re given just enough extra energy and passion to make you feel great and accomplish lots, without the poor judgement of full blown mania.  If I could be chose to live forever in one of the typical states - mania, hypomania, normal/status quo or depressed - I would without hesitation say hypomanic.  Its probably due to the fact that I’ve experienced hypomanic states so many times and enjoyed them throughly without fucking up, that I find myself longing for that state of mind.  Its like chasing a hypomanic dragon.  In this chase I’ve found myself abusing drugs, alcohol, exercise, work and relationships in order to get back to that particular mental state.  Alcohol tempers mania, uppers temper depression, exercise releases endorphins, work the ego and relationships provide both love and compassion. Much like the pursuit of perfection I suppose. 

It is because I make such an effort trying to re-establish this hypomanic state (which I am often successful) that the beneficial traits of bipolar disorder surface and help me with my work.  I can work late into the night, improvise conversation and situations, dress to kill and handle my alcohol with ease when in this mindset. 

Whether or not they realize it, every client loves a hypomanic escort.  With our heightened sexuality the hypomanic escort is capable of being his dream girl.  Just be sure not to ruin it be telling them you’re bipolar!  That’s always a mood killer.  They’ll either get nervous or sympathetic, neither of which are good for love making.  Thoughts of taking advantage of someone sick, the fear of a crazy attack or dealing with confusing mood swings are bad for business.  Isn’t that part of the reason why many of them are taking a little break from their S.O. to begin with?!  I have to be a stable, happy highly sexed hottie.  In other words - hypomanic.   

Heaven forbid I tell them I’m a bipolar scorpio escort.  They’ll surely make a fast dash for the exit, in the fear my uncontrolled emotional reactions would destroy their lives in one act of unrestrained vindictiveness.  Ignorance would ruin a perfectly good work relationship. No, the BSW must keep this hidden from her clients lest she become unemployable.  A good escort is all about fantasy after all, and they don’t want to know my dirty laundry as much they they want to deal with their own S.O.’s dirty laundry.  

Not only does the bipolar hypomanic state help me be a better escort, but I think the nature of the disorder suits the deviant call girl lifestyle.  Most people with bipolar disorder are probably considered a little odd by the status quo.  I want to point out that not all bipolars are escorts, criminals, graveyard shifters or other such odd job holders.  In fact, I doubt very few are. Most probably have normal jobs assuming their mood swings are under control using medication or other therapy.  Its just that the eccentric tendencies of bipolars often make them deviant which can set them up for those odd jobs.  

Being a scorpio, the zodiac sign ruled by their genitalia, doesn’t hurt either.  I personally believe in astrology and have to admit that this generalization definitely has some truth.  It doesn’t mean that every scorpio will be a nymphomaniac or the worlds greatest lover, but there has been a heightened sexuality to most scorpios.  Sometimes its reflected in their sexual appetites, but more often its displayed in their seductive and sultry body language, their style of dress or even the way they eat their food and sip their wine.  Scorpios indulge, enjoy and put as much thought into their daily actions as they would into their sex lives. A friend once called my drinking a milkshake orgasmic. Damn it was good. That’s how scorpios let their genitals rule them.  The essence of sexuality.  A call girl learns to ooze sex appeal like a scorpio.  Sometimes a client wants it obvious, other times subtle, but whichever it is she better figure it out quick and never forget it.  A bipolar scorpio knows how to turn heads their way even when there are prettier girls in the room simply in the way she walks or takes a drink. Its an experience to watch a bipolar scorpio. 

Yes, being both bipolar and scorpio gives me an advantage as a call girl.  I just have to watch out for the extremes that both bipolars and scorpios are known for from ruining my reputation.  Yes, even prostitutes need to maintain a ‘good’ reputation. For example, if too many negative reviews are written about me on TERB (the Toronto Escort Review Board) or TER (The Erotic Review) my business will falter. I need to stay on top of my game, and that’s easier to do when feeling good and energetic. Thus I chase my hypomanic dragon.  

So how am I doing? Well to quote Charlie Sheen (everybody’s favorite undiagnosed bipolar, train wreck en-route and favorite client of so many escorts) I’m soooooo WINNING! Actually cum to think about it, because I’m both bipolar and scorpio I truly am BI-WINNING!  

Remember, I am not just the BSW, I am also the BSCG. I am many things.

How I came to be an escort

Often I’ll be sitting on the couch chatting with a client over a glass of wine. Or maybe we’re both naked laying in the afterglow when their curiosity gets the better of them and they have to ask me “How did I become an escort?”  Most people think that girls like me would never prostitute themselves. They don’t have to. I certainly don’t have to, that’s true. I am a well educated, intelligent, nice young lady.  I had a good upbringing, feel loved, not trafficked or addicted to hardcore drugs. But I still sell my body. Why?  What most people don’t understand is that a rare few women can actually enjoy this work and get into it by choice. Not always are prostitutes forced by desperation, deceit or drugs as mainstream media and religious groups would have you believe. 

Honestly, I consider this work more dignified than being a servant at a fast food restaurant or paper pusher trapped in a cubicle. I also get paid what I’m worth.  I could never go back to earning $10/hr when I currently make $200/hr. I’m also my own boss and set my own schedule.  Which women are really slaves in society? Not the deviant. 

However, my free choice to become an escort did not come about lightly or typically, and there were many extenuating circumstances that lead me in this direction initially.  Let me share them with you...

I believe my bipolar disorder has played a major role. I was manic when it all began.  I had just been diagnosed, fired from my job at the bookstore, taking (prescribed) anti-depressant medication which were inappropriate for me (although not recognized at the time) and in my mania I was not thinking logically. I was also highly promiscuous, another symptom of bipolar mania.  My perfect storm was brewing. 

As we know people who are manic are not thinking clearly and logically. It is often the poor judgement calls they make while ill that cause them the most trouble in life.  I was incredibly promiscuous at this point due to my illness. After another one night stand I jokingly thought to myself how great it would be if I could get paid for having all this sex.  Hhhmmm, actually, you know what, I’m a girl with a hot body, I really could.  It seemed like a good idea at the time.  A week later I called up an escort service (I worked with this agency for my first 6 months before going indie) and the rest as they say is history. 

Here’s the catch. Although I was manic and not in my right mind when I starting hooking I didn’t stay sick forever.  I got healthy after a few months and came back to my right mind.  The surprising thing was that even with a clear mind I wanted to keep hooking.  I felt surprisingly empowered.  It gives me control in my life where I otherwise would not possess any.  It gives me money, power and self-confidence.  This is hard for most people to understand because of personal hang ups (e.g. religious/ethical beliefs, illegal trafficking and drug addiction, media protroyal, hypocritical laws and their enforcement, inability to separate sex and love, fear of disease, etc.).   

Yet, I’ve often wondered IF I were diagnosed earlier would I have become a prostitute?  I mean, IF I hadn’t made poor judgement calls because I was mentally ill which resulted in me getting fired would I not have thought about a career change?  Would I still have been so sexually active and thought about exchanging sex for money?  

One of the major factors which probably caused my swing into full blown mania was my usage of anti-depressant medications.  Bipolar patients have a very poor tolerance for anti-depressants typically prescribed for unipolar depression.  Instead of just cheering us up, it sends us over the fucking moon. I went over the fucking moon into mania and it wasn’t until all the poor decisions caught up with me, when all the damage was done that it became painfully clear what was going on inside me.  Initially my psychiatrist diagnosed me with major depressive disorder when I first presented myself to him.   

I honestly wonder IF I wasn’t prescribed certain meds would I have chosen to become an escort?  I can never say for sure but it does make me wonder. I don’t blame my psychiatrist for this, nobody knew about the full spectrum of my mood disorder at that time.  I don’t solely blame the meds.  However, I think it is something that should be considered, especially when diagnosing patients whose full history or tolerance may be unknown.  Its a conundrum for sure. 

Naturally, I don’t tell this whole perfect storm story to each client that asks me how I came to be an escort. Most people probably wouldn’t be comfortable with my bipolar disorder.  What I tell them is that I have a high sex drive and figured I might as well get paid for it, and also that I had a hard time finding a decent paying job with just my bachelor’s degree.  It sure beats waitressing I laugh. 

One final note that I want to stress. Please keep in mind, this is my story and not anyone else’s. How I react to things may be very different than others so I wouldn’t expect all women in my situation to become prostitutes. Not all women with bipolar disorder become prostitutes!  I am unique.