Should I follow my dreams?

I’ve been feeling quite well these past few months I’m please to say.  Unfortunately, it makes for a less interesting blog - as you may have noticed.  I’ve become much more in tune with my mind and body over the past year, and the associated subtleties that might indicate any possible mood swings - my early warning signs.  These include my dreams.  In a earlier blog I’ve discussed my bipolar dreams at length so I won’t go into the nitty gritty details again.  While I’ve always been a dreamer sometimes my dreams become more vivid and significant, not your ‘normal forgetful’ type of dream.  When these vivid dreams occur often within a narrow period of time I sit up and take notice.  It means my bipolar brain is acting up and I need to sort it out before it gets out of hand.  

Over the last couple weeks I’ve been having strange, intense, gripping dreams about animals. Particularly, bears and birds.  The animals are always hurt but never myself.  I feel strong empathy for them which I can not reconcile.  Even after I wake up the emotional intensity of the dream stays with my all day and several days after.  This is what concerns me.  When my dream bothers me for days afterwards its a bad sign.  

I’m hoping that writing this out might help me deal with it somehow.... I dunno.   

Let me tell you about my dreams:

Dream 1 was about the bear.  I was in the woods (no particular location, somewhere here in Canada I’d guess) when I came across a black bear.  I do not know why, but me and the black bear had a physical altercation and I ended up badly hurting its front left limb.   It retreated in great pain.  I was unharmed (which in reality would be absurd, as I would never expect to win a wrestling match with a bear!!! crazy!!).  Immediately I was filled with regret and an overwhelming feeling of remorse.  I wanted to help the bear but it ran off and I could do nothing more about it.  After I woke up I could not shake the remorsefulness I felt, and couldn’t help wondering what was going to happen to the bear.  I know the dream was not real but I could not shake my concern for the bear.  Its stayed with ever since, its been a week now.   

Dream 2 was about the birds.  A couple nights ago I dreamt that I was living in some type of apt or condo building that was rather old.  It was not my current residence. I had a pet bird, specifically a robin, that I often let wander around the apt because I felt bad it was caged up.  One day it disappeared.  Apparently the old building had cracks in the walls and animals often got lost in the walls and so forth.  When the little bird finally came back it was hungry, ruffled but OK.  Then suddenly other lost birds began coming into my apt after him.  There were 3 other birds that looked very haggard.  I felt so bad for them and wanted to ease their suffering as I could see they were hungry, injured and scared.  Almost like they had PTSD. I don’t know how they ended up lost in the first place or how  they came to my apt, or if they had owners in the same building, or anything at all...  It was like watching birds coming out of hiding after a war.  Strange.   

So, yeah, basically its been dreams like this... for days now I can’t stop thinking about these animals in pain, my fault or not.   I have not had any actual experiences with bears or birds recently, so I’m stumped as to why I’m having these types of dreams suddenly.  Alas, I turn to the online dream interpretation websites because I have no other idea on what to do about all this.   

Here’s what the almighty web has giveth me in response:

Bear:
To see a bear in your dream symbolizes independence, the cycle of life, death and renewal, and resurrection. You are undergoing a period of introspection and thinking. The dream may also be a pun on "bare". Perhaps you need to bare your soul and let everything out into the open. To dream that you are being pursued or attacked by a bear denotes aggression, overwhelming obstacles and competition. You may find yourself in a threatening situation. To see a polar bear in your dream signifies a reawakening. Alternatively, the polar bear symbolizes your frigid and cold emotions.

Bird:
To see birds in your dream symbolizes your goals, aspirations and hopes. To dream of chirping and/or flying birds represents joy, harmony, ecstasy, balance, and love. It denotes a sunny outlook in life. You are experiencing spiritual freedom and psychological liberation. It is almost as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. To dream of dead or dying birds indicates disappointments. You will find yourself worrying over problems that are nagging on your mind. To see bird eggs in your dream symbolize money. To see deformed or odd birds in your dream, indicates that you have a unique outlook and perspective on romance and love. The dream may also represent a lack of understanding in affairs of the heart. 

Robin: 

To see a robin in your dream represents new beginnings and a time for growth. You are feeling invigorated and inspired by the possibilities that are out there for you. Alternatively, it signifies self-sacrifice.

N.B. I tried to find the meaning of empathy and remorse but was unsuccessful.   Apparently only simple emotions like fear, anger and sadness are explained. Oh well. 

OK, so, do I see a theme here that might be helpful?   

The keywords: independence, obstacles and disappointments, introspection on life, re-awakening, time for growth, unique outlook and bright outlook on the future all resonate with me in regards to a personal issue.  Its the only sensible conclusion I can draw from this at the moment.  

(N.B. I’m not sure if I believe in this methodology or not, dream interpretation is a type of parapsychology that I’m on the fence about because of the broad interpretations that can be made. But its intriguing none-the-less.  Entertaining at the worst. So why not give it a shot?).

The possible link I feel between these intense, persistent dreams with the personal issue I am currently dealing with helps reconcile all this. It was a relief actually (if true), as in the past these vivid dreams often foreshadow a manic upswing.   

Now, naturally, you must be wondering what this personal issue is.  I wish I could come right out and tell you all about it, but honestly, I’m not comfortable discussing it on this blog.  I know this might sound strange considering the subject matter I’ve openly discussed, and how I’ve made an effort to maintain anonymity.  But since it has nothing to do with bipolar disorder, mental illness, prostitution or my societal commentaries using these topics as a unique filter/p.o.v., I have to keep it separate.  

What I can say about it is this - a couple weeks ago I had an inspiring idea to write a book. It has absolutely nothing to do with manic depression or my escort work.  It relates to something different that I have interest and some expertise in.  I’m not so conceited that I think this blog is more important than it is (just a blip in cyberspace), or if I’m kidding myself about my writing abilities, but if (in my wildest dreams) I actually write this book and it gets published (I can imagine surely, however unlikely), I’d be afraid that somehow someone would connect the dots.  I’m that afraid of being outed as a prostitute.  So I hope you understand my hesitation, vagueness and fear.              

Anyway, now that my vagueness has been somewhat explained, I’ll continue.  After the idea came to me, roughly 2 weeks ago, I thought it over for a couple days before deciding to act on it.  By this I’m referring to typing out my ideas and deciding if I should even mention it to someone else.   Because then it feels real and accountable if somebody else knows about it.  After typing out a solid outline of the book I wanted to write, I felt I had something solid and then I mentioned it to 2 friends.  The first was wishy-washy, but the second was fully supportive and encouraged me to give it a go.   I’m afraid to get my hopes up too high about it, but its something that I do think has honest potential, so I decided to really give it a go.  I’ve been working on it, with sincere effort, for the past week.  If if gets published I think it would be the appropriate time for me to retire from my escort work (or at least reduce it to part-time) and take my life in a different direction.  I know I’m a decent writer (no Stephen King mind you, but better than average I feel I can honestly say).  I’m hesitant to get my hopes up, but if a person doesn’t have something to challenge them or dream about for the future then life can get discouraging at times.  Consider all the people who play Lotto 6/49 every week.  I’m not alone out there.   

Pulling all of this together, I don’t think its a coincidence that my intense vivid  dreams started near the same time my book idea did.  I can see a connection now.  Perhaps its just wishful thinking, but it provides a me with an, albeit limited, sense of validation and encouragement regarding this writing project.  Its obviously struck a nerve deep in me if its the reason for these dreams. Which is a much more appealing explanation than I’m about to have an episode!  

Wow, I feel better already. Writing all this stuff out in black & white (so to speak) really does help me so much.  I honestly don’t care how many people read this blog if it makes me feel just a little better on the inside.   -------    Yet, I can’t deny its also become important to me that my stories are shared with others, and considered interesting in some way.  I’d like others to understand both bipolar disorder and prostitution better, with broader perspectives.  That makes me feel good too.  I don’t want society to think I’m a bad person or have wasted so many years of my life, because I don’t feel that way at all.  I‘m a little surprised at this, and how much it matters to me.   Maybe if I discover I can have a career in writing I’ll eventually get this topic out in the open.  But not yet.  I’m not ready.  

In conclusion, I’m still here and doing OK.  Feeling alright both physically and mentally. I’ve been maintaining the status quo for quite some time, hence - boring.  Its just recently over the past couple weeks something interesting has been happening which I felt was worth writing about.  I’ll let you know how it goes.  Cross your fingers for me and send me some positive vibes please.   BSW is still here, sometimes I’m just a little different. 

The ride of insanity

I’m going to Canada’s Wonderland next week and I’m very excited to try the scariest rides there.  I just heard about the most recent and expensive ride they opened up to the public, after much debate and speculation.  Its supposed to be the wildest craziest ride they have to offer. Its assured that all safety inspections have been passed but many still hold doubts as several dubious incidents have occurred despite staff reassurance. 

People are lining up in droves to get on, men, women and children; old and young alike, all convinced they can handle what the beast has to offer.  Once the thought has been planted in their mind, normally kind gentle people are knocking over anyone who dare stand in their way of this ride. The wait time unbearable. 

Its ability to unfailingly grip all of your senses and shock them beyond reason is the secret to its power over the common man  A heaving groaning mass roaring though dark tunnels, its speed and duration out of your control. You are at its mercy until its over, when, you’ll never be sure. It has horrible odors your nose never thought could possibly exist, squeals that knives on chalkboards envy, jolts and starts that can bring you to your knees and at the end, a narrow escape from the groping hands of an ever present lurking figure in the crowd.

Its said that once a man experiences its ride of sheer terror no one ever willingly steps aboard its rails again.  They have forever changed. The man who exits is not the same who entered.  No one ever wants to discuss this experience, much like a war vet. Feelings of despair, anxiety and ill will flood their mind, body and spirit. Those poor souls who endure the ride again for some unknown sadistic reason are often reported to have reached the brink of insanity. Surely the devil must have influenced in some way. 

It has been called, The TTC Rush Hour Train of Insanity.  Ride it if you dare. 

Let me introduce myself

I’m not sure how I feel about keeping this blog.  On one side, because my mind is often overactive, too reactive or ill-reactive, I have a constant urge to write down what I’m thinking.  Writing is cathartic for me and it also helps me digest my thoughts.  Its also an excellent way to keep track of my moods and behavior over a longer period of time. Its hard for me to self-assess at times when I’m mentally ill.  Keeping an anonymous blog allows me to vent, release, record and also perhaps hear the opinion of a few followers which is always interesting, sometimes good, sometimes bad.

On the other hand, I want to remain anonymous due to the stigma attached to mental illness, and the very sensitive topics I am going to write about.  If my family found out all the things I did I know they would be devastated.  So if I can keep this blog - an honest blunt one about what its like to be a bipolar scorpio woman, while maintaining my privacy - I’d like to give it a go.  I think it will be good for me. 

Two of the heaviest burdens that I bear - one by choice, the other by chance - is that I have chosen to be an escort and that I am bipolar.  Very few people know both of these things.  So to write it out in black and white on a public blog is a very big step for me. I value my privacy and independence fiercely and never want that compromised.  However, I have so many interesting things to talk about.  I do want to make it clear from the beginning that this will not be a blog about escorting.  Sure, I will discuss it in the grand scheme of things in my life, but it is not the primary objective of the blog, which is - my life as a bipolar scorpio woman (BSW).  

So why did I choose this title?  Funny story.  I was in my doctor’s office one morning and I was discussing with him how many of the symptoms of bipolar disorder (e.g. the passion and intensity of the mania’s, the dramatic mood swings, deep dark depressions) are often listed as characteristics of scorpios as well, and that for most of my life I thought many of my unrecognized symptoms of my mood disorder (bipolar disorder is a mental illness that is classified as a mood disorder) was just me being a stereotypical scorpio.  In my teen years I determined my full astrological profile and for those that may understand the significance my sun, mercury, venus, mars and neptune were all in scorpio!   Then I thought just what an incredible person I must be, because it was like I have all these traits, but squared.  Now that’s intense! I’m not sure if this is good or bad, but it is what it is. Being both bipolar and a scorpio can stir up some strong moods.  Indeed it has brought me many great things in my life and also ruined many relationships and opportunities equally.  

I looked at my doctor and jokingly said ‘Now that would be a great profile username for a dating site - Bipolar Scorpio Woman!  How many hits do you think I would get?”  We both burst out laughing.  Too funny.  Since I’m not on any online dating sites I thought that I would use the title for my blog instead. 

I hope you enjoy what’s to come. - BSW