Should I follow my dreams?

I’ve been feeling quite well these past few months I’m please to say.  Unfortunately, it makes for a less interesting blog - as you may have noticed.  I’ve become much more in tune with my mind and body over the past year, and the associated subtleties that might indicate any possible mood swings - my early warning signs.  These include my dreams.  In a earlier blog I’ve discussed my bipolar dreams at length so I won’t go into the nitty gritty details again.  While I’ve always been a dreamer sometimes my dreams become more vivid and significant, not your ‘normal forgetful’ type of dream.  When these vivid dreams occur often within a narrow period of time I sit up and take notice.  It means my bipolar brain is acting up and I need to sort it out before it gets out of hand.  

Over the last couple weeks I’ve been having strange, intense, gripping dreams about animals. Particularly, bears and birds.  The animals are always hurt but never myself.  I feel strong empathy for them which I can not reconcile.  Even after I wake up the emotional intensity of the dream stays with my all day and several days after.  This is what concerns me.  When my dream bothers me for days afterwards its a bad sign.  

I’m hoping that writing this out might help me deal with it somehow.... I dunno.   

Let me tell you about my dreams:

Dream 1 was about the bear.  I was in the woods (no particular location, somewhere here in Canada I’d guess) when I came across a black bear.  I do not know why, but me and the black bear had a physical altercation and I ended up badly hurting its front left limb.   It retreated in great pain.  I was unharmed (which in reality would be absurd, as I would never expect to win a wrestling match with a bear!!! crazy!!).  Immediately I was filled with regret and an overwhelming feeling of remorse.  I wanted to help the bear but it ran off and I could do nothing more about it.  After I woke up I could not shake the remorsefulness I felt, and couldn’t help wondering what was going to happen to the bear.  I know the dream was not real but I could not shake my concern for the bear.  Its stayed with ever since, its been a week now.   

Dream 2 was about the birds.  A couple nights ago I dreamt that I was living in some type of apt or condo building that was rather old.  It was not my current residence. I had a pet bird, specifically a robin, that I often let wander around the apt because I felt bad it was caged up.  One day it disappeared.  Apparently the old building had cracks in the walls and animals often got lost in the walls and so forth.  When the little bird finally came back it was hungry, ruffled but OK.  Then suddenly other lost birds began coming into my apt after him.  There were 3 other birds that looked very haggard.  I felt so bad for them and wanted to ease their suffering as I could see they were hungry, injured and scared.  Almost like they had PTSD. I don’t know how they ended up lost in the first place or how  they came to my apt, or if they had owners in the same building, or anything at all...  It was like watching birds coming out of hiding after a war.  Strange.   

So, yeah, basically its been dreams like this... for days now I can’t stop thinking about these animals in pain, my fault or not.   I have not had any actual experiences with bears or birds recently, so I’m stumped as to why I’m having these types of dreams suddenly.  Alas, I turn to the online dream interpretation websites because I have no other idea on what to do about all this.   

Here’s what the almighty web has giveth me in response:

Bear:
To see a bear in your dream symbolizes independence, the cycle of life, death and renewal, and resurrection. You are undergoing a period of introspection and thinking. The dream may also be a pun on "bare". Perhaps you need to bare your soul and let everything out into the open. To dream that you are being pursued or attacked by a bear denotes aggression, overwhelming obstacles and competition. You may find yourself in a threatening situation. To see a polar bear in your dream signifies a reawakening. Alternatively, the polar bear symbolizes your frigid and cold emotions.

Bird:
To see birds in your dream symbolizes your goals, aspirations and hopes. To dream of chirping and/or flying birds represents joy, harmony, ecstasy, balance, and love. It denotes a sunny outlook in life. You are experiencing spiritual freedom and psychological liberation. It is almost as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. To dream of dead or dying birds indicates disappointments. You will find yourself worrying over problems that are nagging on your mind. To see bird eggs in your dream symbolize money. To see deformed or odd birds in your dream, indicates that you have a unique outlook and perspective on romance and love. The dream may also represent a lack of understanding in affairs of the heart. 

Robin: 

To see a robin in your dream represents new beginnings and a time for growth. You are feeling invigorated and inspired by the possibilities that are out there for you. Alternatively, it signifies self-sacrifice.

N.B. I tried to find the meaning of empathy and remorse but was unsuccessful.   Apparently only simple emotions like fear, anger and sadness are explained. Oh well. 

OK, so, do I see a theme here that might be helpful?   

The keywords: independence, obstacles and disappointments, introspection on life, re-awakening, time for growth, unique outlook and bright outlook on the future all resonate with me in regards to a personal issue.  Its the only sensible conclusion I can draw from this at the moment.  

(N.B. I’m not sure if I believe in this methodology or not, dream interpretation is a type of parapsychology that I’m on the fence about because of the broad interpretations that can be made. But its intriguing none-the-less.  Entertaining at the worst. So why not give it a shot?).

The possible link I feel between these intense, persistent dreams with the personal issue I am currently dealing with helps reconcile all this. It was a relief actually (if true), as in the past these vivid dreams often foreshadow a manic upswing.   

Now, naturally, you must be wondering what this personal issue is.  I wish I could come right out and tell you all about it, but honestly, I’m not comfortable discussing it on this blog.  I know this might sound strange considering the subject matter I’ve openly discussed, and how I’ve made an effort to maintain anonymity.  But since it has nothing to do with bipolar disorder, mental illness, prostitution or my societal commentaries using these topics as a unique filter/p.o.v., I have to keep it separate.  

What I can say about it is this - a couple weeks ago I had an inspiring idea to write a book. It has absolutely nothing to do with manic depression or my escort work.  It relates to something different that I have interest and some expertise in.  I’m not so conceited that I think this blog is more important than it is (just a blip in cyberspace), or if I’m kidding myself about my writing abilities, but if (in my wildest dreams) I actually write this book and it gets published (I can imagine surely, however unlikely), I’d be afraid that somehow someone would connect the dots.  I’m that afraid of being outed as a prostitute.  So I hope you understand my hesitation, vagueness and fear.              

Anyway, now that my vagueness has been somewhat explained, I’ll continue.  After the idea came to me, roughly 2 weeks ago, I thought it over for a couple days before deciding to act on it.  By this I’m referring to typing out my ideas and deciding if I should even mention it to someone else.   Because then it feels real and accountable if somebody else knows about it.  After typing out a solid outline of the book I wanted to write, I felt I had something solid and then I mentioned it to 2 friends.  The first was wishy-washy, but the second was fully supportive and encouraged me to give it a go.   I’m afraid to get my hopes up too high about it, but its something that I do think has honest potential, so I decided to really give it a go.  I’ve been working on it, with sincere effort, for the past week.  If if gets published I think it would be the appropriate time for me to retire from my escort work (or at least reduce it to part-time) and take my life in a different direction.  I know I’m a decent writer (no Stephen King mind you, but better than average I feel I can honestly say).  I’m hesitant to get my hopes up, but if a person doesn’t have something to challenge them or dream about for the future then life can get discouraging at times.  Consider all the people who play Lotto 6/49 every week.  I’m not alone out there.   

Pulling all of this together, I don’t think its a coincidence that my intense vivid  dreams started near the same time my book idea did.  I can see a connection now.  Perhaps its just wishful thinking, but it provides a me with an, albeit limited, sense of validation and encouragement regarding this writing project.  Its obviously struck a nerve deep in me if its the reason for these dreams. Which is a much more appealing explanation than I’m about to have an episode!  

Wow, I feel better already. Writing all this stuff out in black & white (so to speak) really does help me so much.  I honestly don’t care how many people read this blog if it makes me feel just a little better on the inside.   -------    Yet, I can’t deny its also become important to me that my stories are shared with others, and considered interesting in some way.  I’d like others to understand both bipolar disorder and prostitution better, with broader perspectives.  That makes me feel good too.  I don’t want society to think I’m a bad person or have wasted so many years of my life, because I don’t feel that way at all.  I‘m a little surprised at this, and how much it matters to me.   Maybe if I discover I can have a career in writing I’ll eventually get this topic out in the open.  But not yet.  I’m not ready.  

In conclusion, I’m still here and doing OK.  Feeling alright both physically and mentally. I’ve been maintaining the status quo for quite some time, hence - boring.  Its just recently over the past couple weeks something interesting has been happening which I felt was worth writing about.  I’ll let you know how it goes.  Cross your fingers for me and send me some positive vibes please.   BSW is still here, sometimes I’m just a little different. 

Dream-Land

By a route obscure and lonely,
    Haunted by ill angels only...

http://poestories.com/read/dreamland 

I’ve been having a very Edgar Allan Poe kind of week.  A combination of nightmares, difficulty sleeping and over-indulging in TV shows with dark humor (e.g. Robot Chicken) or monsters (e.g. Face Off - Bad to the Bone/Episode 4). 

My mood music has been all Metallica as of late. I’m not a huge metal head or anything, I prefer Fiona Apple or Amy Winehouse’s style of musical expression. But Metallica has so many songs that fit my dark mood its uncanny. I referred to the Black album previously, but the St. Anger album has several songs (e.g. ‘Some Kind of Monster’ and ‘Invisible Kid’) that could have been written for me. Makes me wonder where they found their inspiration to write such work.  

I think heavy metal is largely misunderstood anyway. If people took the time to read and understand the lyrics they’d find significance, intelligence and deep meaning in there. Very comparable to the highly regarded poetry of Edgar Allan Poe or novels of Stephen King. Both Poe and King write dark and disturbing pieces but are widely accepted and appreciated by society.  Encouraged even.  

I find it confusing then that people reacted differently to my most recent dream.  A few people have stated their worries, concern and pity about the dark images in my dreams.  But how is it any different from reading and enjoying Poe’s poetry?  A&E run non-stop episodes of Criminal Minds due to popular demand, and they delve into incredibly disturbing behaviors.  Why doesn’t the audience leap from their couches, cry in outrage, demand the influences of satan be taken off TV for fear they will taint the children and send the writers off to the psychiatric hospital?  

As long as people can maintain control and perceive the difference in reality and fantasy (in other words to become delusional or psychotic), is this honestly something to worry over, or should be medicated away?  I’m not convinced.  Let’s stay calm, try enjoying my entertainment value.  

Its not wrong to explore the darker side of humanity. Its not healthy to restrict yourself to the lighter side. Peak through the rose garden, stroll down the path and just past the nursery you’ll find out where the wild things are, welcome to the jungle baby.   

I’ve always felt very comfortable discussing the dark, disturbing, deathly.  Ironically, growing up I have positive and comforting memories associated with the dark and macabre.  I lived next to a cemetery and played in it for hours on end.  I watched horror movies with my mom, she loved the classic horror genre.  The first horror flick I can remember was my mother’s favorite - Night of the Living Dead.  There were no parental controls or age restrictions on the movies my parents let me watch.  

Being a scorpio my birthday is ominously close to Halloween.  I’d have Halloween themed birthday parties where everybody came in costume. My birthday cake was decorated with black licorice and I loved it. Halloween was celebrated on the same scale as Christmas at my house.   I was even born on a Wednesday. 

Maybe now its starting to make more sense. My mood disorder, coupled with my childhood influences, has created an intriguing and unsettling form of expression. Maybe I should give writing a horror novel some serious consideration. I could do it between calls on my slow days or more fittingly, when I’m on my period for maximum effect. 

.............

While I'm playing psychologist, it might be interesting to consider another angle: dream interpretation.  Its widely accepted that dreams are how the unconscious mind attempts to make sense of the situations we are dealing with or struggling over.  Taking the dream literally may be pointless. I have to read between the lines and interpret the symbolism at work. 

While I have some belief in dream analysis, I don’t consider it an exact science by any means, take it with a grain of salt.  Its usually good for a laugh if nothing else. So I googled dream interpretation, found a few dictionaries and searched the emotions, objects and people that really stood out in the dream. I pasted them below:

Feelings of:

Anxiety - To dream that you are experiencing some anxiety in some affair, is a reflection of what you may be feeling during your waking life. You may have repressed thoughts,  unexpressed emotions, resentment, and hostility that are triggering your anxiety dream. This dream also denotes that you are disastrous mixing business with pleasure.

Despair - To dream that you are in despair, signifies that you will have many hardships and experience much cruelties in the working world. To dream that others are in despair, denotes that some friend or relative will be in great distress and find themselves in a unhappy situation.

Distress - To dream that you or others are in distress, represents worries and unhappiness in your waking life. Things will turn out better than you expected. You will find that your worries were unfounded. Perhaps the dream is telling you to lighten up.

Fear - To dream that you feel fear, indicates that your achievements will not be as successful as you had anticipated. You are experiencing anxieties in various aspects of your life. The key to overcoming your fear is to discuss them and deal with them openly. To dream that you worse fears are coming true, signifies your resistance to change. You are afraid to confront the unknown aspects of yourself.

Sadness - To dream that you are sad, suggests that you need to learn from your disappointments and just be happy. Try not to dwell on the negative. The dream may be a reflection of how you are feeling in your waking life. 

Objects/Symbols:

Millipedes - To see a centipede/millipede in your dream, suggests that you are letting your fears and doubts hinder you from making progress and achieving your goals. You need to stop thinking negative thoughts. You are experiencing a major setback in life. 

Bugs (in general) - To see a bug in your dream, suggests that you are worried about something. It is symbolic of your anxieties and/or fears. What is literally bugging you? Consider also the popular phrase "bitten by the bug" to imply your strong emotional ties or involvement to some activity/interest/hobby. Alternatively, the bug may be representative of your sexual thoughts. 

Insects (in general) - To see insects in your dream, signify minor obstacles that you

must overcome. There are small problems and annoyances that need to be dealt with. You feel that you are under attack. Or something or someone may be "bugging" or pestering you. Alternatively, insects are also said to be symbolic of precision, alertness, and sensitivity. You may need to organize your thoughts and sort out your values. Sometimes they are seen as divine messengers. 

Laboratory - To dream that you are in a laboratory, signifies that you are experimenting with your inner feelings, beliefs, and fears. You are testing yourself or some relationship. Alternatively, you may be going through some sort of transformation.

Prison/Imprisonment - To dream that you are in prison, signifies that you are being censored and not allowed to express yourself. misfortune will haunt you. To dream that someone else is in prison, signifies an aspect of yourself that you are unable to express freely.

Kidnapper - To dream of a kidnapper taking his victim, foretells of important changes in your life.

Killer - To dream of a killer represents the eradication of an important part of your emotional self. You may be at risk of losing who you truly are.  A killer in dreams may also represent the opposite; a healing time in your life is about to begin. You have recently taken the opportunity to speak up for yourself and stand up for what you believe in. This will end a situation in a dramatic manner.

Relatives/Family - To see your relatives in your dream, signify family issues or feelings. They represent some aspect of your own self. 

Necklace - To dream of a necklace symbolizes unmet needs and wants. It likewise emphasizes your intelligence and aspirations for greater authority and supremacy over others.

Station wagon - To dream of seeing or driving a station wagon reflects situations regarding your domestic life.

Funeral - To dream that you are attending someone else's funeral suggests that you are putting a past relationship where it belongs: in the past. You may be releasing negative emotions you've kept for so long.

Burial - To dream about a burial means that you have banished bad attitudes or behaviors and escaped from some negative condition. 

So there are all the pieces of the puzzle, or as many as I could remember, that could be defined in the online dream dictionaries I consulted. How do I put all these pieces together into a clear picture? Is this all a waste of time? Should I just go to bed?

OK I see a theme of releasing repressed negative emotions, struggling with family issues, struggling with doubt, life setbacks, life changes, dramatic ending, transformation and healing.  

I don’t know what to think about all this. It feels too general, too vague. I could apply those themes to most situations. 

Maybe I’m trying to explain something that doesn’t make any sense to begin with. 

Maybe I’m trying too hard. 

Maybe I just need to let it go. 

Maybe I should listen to Samuel L. Jackson and go the fuck to sleep.