Should I follow my dreams?

I’ve been feeling quite well these past few months I’m please to say.  Unfortunately, it makes for a less interesting blog - as you may have noticed.  I’ve become much more in tune with my mind and body over the past year, and the associated subtleties that might indicate any possible mood swings - my early warning signs.  These include my dreams.  In a earlier blog I’ve discussed my bipolar dreams at length so I won’t go into the nitty gritty details again.  While I’ve always been a dreamer sometimes my dreams become more vivid and significant, not your ‘normal forgetful’ type of dream.  When these vivid dreams occur often within a narrow period of time I sit up and take notice.  It means my bipolar brain is acting up and I need to sort it out before it gets out of hand.  

Over the last couple weeks I’ve been having strange, intense, gripping dreams about animals. Particularly, bears and birds.  The animals are always hurt but never myself.  I feel strong empathy for them which I can not reconcile.  Even after I wake up the emotional intensity of the dream stays with my all day and several days after.  This is what concerns me.  When my dream bothers me for days afterwards its a bad sign.  

I’m hoping that writing this out might help me deal with it somehow.... I dunno.   

Let me tell you about my dreams:

Dream 1 was about the bear.  I was in the woods (no particular location, somewhere here in Canada I’d guess) when I came across a black bear.  I do not know why, but me and the black bear had a physical altercation and I ended up badly hurting its front left limb.   It retreated in great pain.  I was unharmed (which in reality would be absurd, as I would never expect to win a wrestling match with a bear!!! crazy!!).  Immediately I was filled with regret and an overwhelming feeling of remorse.  I wanted to help the bear but it ran off and I could do nothing more about it.  After I woke up I could not shake the remorsefulness I felt, and couldn’t help wondering what was going to happen to the bear.  I know the dream was not real but I could not shake my concern for the bear.  Its stayed with ever since, its been a week now.   

Dream 2 was about the birds.  A couple nights ago I dreamt that I was living in some type of apt or condo building that was rather old.  It was not my current residence. I had a pet bird, specifically a robin, that I often let wander around the apt because I felt bad it was caged up.  One day it disappeared.  Apparently the old building had cracks in the walls and animals often got lost in the walls and so forth.  When the little bird finally came back it was hungry, ruffled but OK.  Then suddenly other lost birds began coming into my apt after him.  There were 3 other birds that looked very haggard.  I felt so bad for them and wanted to ease their suffering as I could see they were hungry, injured and scared.  Almost like they had PTSD. I don’t know how they ended up lost in the first place or how  they came to my apt, or if they had owners in the same building, or anything at all...  It was like watching birds coming out of hiding after a war.  Strange.   

So, yeah, basically its been dreams like this... for days now I can’t stop thinking about these animals in pain, my fault or not.   I have not had any actual experiences with bears or birds recently, so I’m stumped as to why I’m having these types of dreams suddenly.  Alas, I turn to the online dream interpretation websites because I have no other idea on what to do about all this.   

Here’s what the almighty web has giveth me in response:

Bear:
To see a bear in your dream symbolizes independence, the cycle of life, death and renewal, and resurrection. You are undergoing a period of introspection and thinking. The dream may also be a pun on "bare". Perhaps you need to bare your soul and let everything out into the open. To dream that you are being pursued or attacked by a bear denotes aggression, overwhelming obstacles and competition. You may find yourself in a threatening situation. To see a polar bear in your dream signifies a reawakening. Alternatively, the polar bear symbolizes your frigid and cold emotions.

Bird:
To see birds in your dream symbolizes your goals, aspirations and hopes. To dream of chirping and/or flying birds represents joy, harmony, ecstasy, balance, and love. It denotes a sunny outlook in life. You are experiencing spiritual freedom and psychological liberation. It is almost as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. To dream of dead or dying birds indicates disappointments. You will find yourself worrying over problems that are nagging on your mind. To see bird eggs in your dream symbolize money. To see deformed or odd birds in your dream, indicates that you have a unique outlook and perspective on romance and love. The dream may also represent a lack of understanding in affairs of the heart. 

Robin: 

To see a robin in your dream represents new beginnings and a time for growth. You are feeling invigorated and inspired by the possibilities that are out there for you. Alternatively, it signifies self-sacrifice.

N.B. I tried to find the meaning of empathy and remorse but was unsuccessful.   Apparently only simple emotions like fear, anger and sadness are explained. Oh well. 

OK, so, do I see a theme here that might be helpful?   

The keywords: independence, obstacles and disappointments, introspection on life, re-awakening, time for growth, unique outlook and bright outlook on the future all resonate with me in regards to a personal issue.  Its the only sensible conclusion I can draw from this at the moment.  

(N.B. I’m not sure if I believe in this methodology or not, dream interpretation is a type of parapsychology that I’m on the fence about because of the broad interpretations that can be made. But its intriguing none-the-less.  Entertaining at the worst. So why not give it a shot?).

The possible link I feel between these intense, persistent dreams with the personal issue I am currently dealing with helps reconcile all this. It was a relief actually (if true), as in the past these vivid dreams often foreshadow a manic upswing.   

Now, naturally, you must be wondering what this personal issue is.  I wish I could come right out and tell you all about it, but honestly, I’m not comfortable discussing it on this blog.  I know this might sound strange considering the subject matter I’ve openly discussed, and how I’ve made an effort to maintain anonymity.  But since it has nothing to do with bipolar disorder, mental illness, prostitution or my societal commentaries using these topics as a unique filter/p.o.v., I have to keep it separate.  

What I can say about it is this - a couple weeks ago I had an inspiring idea to write a book. It has absolutely nothing to do with manic depression or my escort work.  It relates to something different that I have interest and some expertise in.  I’m not so conceited that I think this blog is more important than it is (just a blip in cyberspace), or if I’m kidding myself about my writing abilities, but if (in my wildest dreams) I actually write this book and it gets published (I can imagine surely, however unlikely), I’d be afraid that somehow someone would connect the dots.  I’m that afraid of being outed as a prostitute.  So I hope you understand my hesitation, vagueness and fear.              

Anyway, now that my vagueness has been somewhat explained, I’ll continue.  After the idea came to me, roughly 2 weeks ago, I thought it over for a couple days before deciding to act on it.  By this I’m referring to typing out my ideas and deciding if I should even mention it to someone else.   Because then it feels real and accountable if somebody else knows about it.  After typing out a solid outline of the book I wanted to write, I felt I had something solid and then I mentioned it to 2 friends.  The first was wishy-washy, but the second was fully supportive and encouraged me to give it a go.   I’m afraid to get my hopes up too high about it, but its something that I do think has honest potential, so I decided to really give it a go.  I’ve been working on it, with sincere effort, for the past week.  If if gets published I think it would be the appropriate time for me to retire from my escort work (or at least reduce it to part-time) and take my life in a different direction.  I know I’m a decent writer (no Stephen King mind you, but better than average I feel I can honestly say).  I’m hesitant to get my hopes up, but if a person doesn’t have something to challenge them or dream about for the future then life can get discouraging at times.  Consider all the people who play Lotto 6/49 every week.  I’m not alone out there.   

Pulling all of this together, I don’t think its a coincidence that my intense vivid  dreams started near the same time my book idea did.  I can see a connection now.  Perhaps its just wishful thinking, but it provides a me with an, albeit limited, sense of validation and encouragement regarding this writing project.  Its obviously struck a nerve deep in me if its the reason for these dreams. Which is a much more appealing explanation than I’m about to have an episode!  

Wow, I feel better already. Writing all this stuff out in black & white (so to speak) really does help me so much.  I honestly don’t care how many people read this blog if it makes me feel just a little better on the inside.   -------    Yet, I can’t deny its also become important to me that my stories are shared with others, and considered interesting in some way.  I’d like others to understand both bipolar disorder and prostitution better, with broader perspectives.  That makes me feel good too.  I don’t want society to think I’m a bad person or have wasted so many years of my life, because I don’t feel that way at all.  I‘m a little surprised at this, and how much it matters to me.   Maybe if I discover I can have a career in writing I’ll eventually get this topic out in the open.  But not yet.  I’m not ready.  

In conclusion, I’m still here and doing OK.  Feeling alright both physically and mentally. I’ve been maintaining the status quo for quite some time, hence - boring.  Its just recently over the past couple weeks something interesting has been happening which I felt was worth writing about.  I’ll let you know how it goes.  Cross your fingers for me and send me some positive vibes please.   BSW is still here, sometimes I’m just a little different. 

Coping with stress - the manly way

Stress management is one of the most important things that can be done to temper the impact of bipolar disorder (BD).  

I’ll quickly review a few key points here - people diagnosed with BD have a genetic tendency to overproduce the chemical hormones that are responsible for regulating stress.   This is why stress can trigger bipolar episodes (stress = hormonal imbalances = brain short-circuiting).  Anything that can reduce stress or help cope with stress would be therapeutic (e.g. may reduce frequency, severity, duration of episodes).  

Here are some common ways to reduce stress:

• eat a healthy diet
• exercise
• get 8 hrs sleep each night
• reduce intake of stimulants/depressants, e.g. drugs, alcohol, caffeine
• do not smoke
• pray, meditate, do yoga
• laugh, hug, smile more
• have sex
• other various things that you enjoy...

I’m sure you’ve heard it all before. Boring....moving right along...

I think I do pretty good preventing minor stress in my life. However, not all stress can be prevented (e.g. death, divorce, deceit) and has to be coped with in some way. It wasn’t until I was sitting in my doctors office this morning that it hit me. I have only ever used one method to deal with all the stress in my life, regardless of its nature. I have been trained to think like a scientist. Convinced that the best way to deal with stress was to always face it head on, discuss it, understand it, fix it. As I’ve come to discover, this is a great strategy for physical stress but not emotional stress.  I tried to fix every single emotional stress in my life by confronting, picking apart and forcing the issue. I was completely convinced this was the best and only way to do it. Whenever it didn’t work it was because the other person was obviously the problem, it was never me. I gotta laugh at it now.  Well fuck me.  No wonder so many episodes (not all severe) were triggered by fights with family/friends. I was blinded by my stubborn grandiose thoughts. 

I didn’t know any other way.  I kept forcing logical reasoning on emotional issues that were illogical. That makes a lot of sense.  Now I’m sitting in my GPs office, yes, the BSW is asking a man of science how to cope with emotional conflicts before she goes insane.  This is when the proverbial other shoe drops:  I don’t think my emotions developed in a healthy normal way, like an average child because I was bullied quite bad at school (gr. 7-12), and in a more subtler way by my father at home. I isolated myself from most people to avoid being picked on by the bullies. I built a wall around myself and didn’t make many friends. Its the reason I feel so comfortable being alone and am so independent. Its a fabulous combination of traits for a call girl. I think its another significant reason why I enjoy escorting.  

The irony of it is not lost on me. Men now pay hundreds of dollars for the privilege of spending an hour with me, but in high school I was constantly rejected. My escort work has been such a positive influence in my life. It builds self-esteem, confidence, positive body image and improving social skills. I wish more people could understand this wonderful side of prostitution. Its empowering.

Finally, FINALLY!, the full picture came into view. Until now I didn’t understand that these 2 things (1. constantly and inappropriately forcing a logical solution on an emotional problem; and 2. poorly-developed emotional/social skills) had such a strong impact on my ability (or should I say lacking ability ) to cope with emotional stress.

OMG, am I emotionally retarded?  Perhaps emotionally illiterate or stunted would be more appropriate. 

No wonder emotional stress always exacerbated my bipolar disorder. I have poor emotional development, lacking many of the coping strategies everybody else has.   Huh, how about that?! 

So now what?

I asked my GP some of the most basic questions that afternoon. How does he deal with emotional conflict? How does the average guy cope with a girlfriend in PMS? Honestly, I don’t know how to deal with these situations.   

He then explained to me how to think through emotional problems like a man, remembering only the letter ‘A’. 

There were 3 coping strategies: 1) Alcohol, 2) Avoid or 3) Accept.  

Apparently its just that simple. This could be the best advice I’ve ever been given in my entire life. 

Instead of trying to fix all the stress in my life, I need to learn when to just let it go before it drives me insane.  

Doctor’s orders. 

Yes, leave it to a manic depressive to declare she’s discovered the solution to the biggest problem in her life at 5am. Now I shall finish my wine in celebration. It is the first A in my new stress management program.

Welcome to my world!

Non-compliance

Doctors often look at their manic depressive patients as being non-compliant. Like we’re being difficult on purpose, stubbornly denying the route to good health.  If manic depressives only took their medication they’d be OK, they’d be able to control their cycles of highs and lows.  Yes, well maybe so, but its just not that simple.  It never is.  If health care providers could walk a mile in their patients shoes they might be more sympathetic.  The reason I don’t take long term medication is due to the fact that every long term medication has had worse side-effects than my disorder has me au natural. 

I have tried several medications for controlling my bipolar disorder, including Lithium, lamotrigine, seroquel, abilify and other antidepressants not appropriate for me.   I can tell you about my personal experience on each drug, keeping in mind that everybody tolerates side effects differently. 

1. Lithium is the standard mood stabilizer prescribed to most bipolars.  It is clearly effective in stabilizing mood swings and preventing suicide in manic depressives. It also has a long list of side effects that many people have to endure.  I tried lithium twice. Gave it an honest to goodness fair shot.  The first time it gave me the awful tremors. They were significant enough to impact my life, so bad that I was accused of forgery at the bank.  Embarrassing to explain.   The second time (4 yrs later) it caused extreme drowsiness, fatigue, diarrhea and gas.  I could barely get off the couch and when I did manage to get up and go out my gas was so bad that I scared people out of the aisle in Shoppers Drug Mart. I was mortified.  There are some things that are just too disrupting to ones lifestyle that the side effects are too much to endure.  Lithium was not for me, my doctor agreed.
2. Lamotrigine gave me a rash that would have potentially led to a fatal complication. Thus I had to cease my therapy under my doctors advice. 
3. Seroquel, even at the lowest therapeutic dose, turned me into a zombie.  I would not wake to my alarm clock.  A bomb could go off next to my head and I doubt I would even notice. I would be late to all my appointments. I could not find the spoons in the kitchen when getting breakfast. Etc...  All this was too much for me.  I will not be zombified, I like being alert and aware of my surroundings.
4. Abilify is the most recent drug I have tried and am currently taking. It is an atypical anti-psychotic medication and has helped me through my latest mixed episode of agitated depression.  It was fast acting (within the first week I noticed improvement) and I am tolerating this drug fairly well except for 2 side effects: tardive dyskinesia (a movement disorder causing involuntary facial muscle spasms) and blurred vision.  During the first couple weeks I never noticed these side effects but after the third week it became obvious that both these side effects would impact my life.  I have a tendency now to purse my lips and make a small squeaky sound.  It is controllable when I think about it, but if I don’t it is enough to annoy the people around me, e.g. those next to me on the subway cast dirty looks at me. I can deal with this though side effect although my doctor is more concerned that it risks becoming a permanent quirk. The side effect that is more bothersome is the blurred vision.  It is definitely affecting my quality of life and is the reason I am considering terminating the course of treatment when I can safely do so according to my doctor (which is 6 weeks symptom free while medicated, I am now at 4 weeks since I have had any symptoms from my last episode).  I play sports and my depth perception is poor.  I often have difficulty seeing long distances now. This is not good for athletes. It also makes me squint when I watch TV or read. But it affects my social life because when I can’t see the faces of my friends I feel embarrassed and tend to just isolate myself rather than admit to my friends that I can’t see well. This is incredibly frustrating for someone who brags about having 20/15 vision after lasik. Social isolation is not good for bipolars.  I’m not sure how long I can tolerate this particular side effect as its not getting any better over time like I had hoped. 
5. Valporic Acid (e.g. Valporate, Divalproex, Epival) is the most recent drug that my psychiatrist is pushing on me.  Undoubtably, like lithium, it has a proven track record for mood stablization, however, it also has a long list of side effects (I won’t list them all here in the interest of time, you can read the lengthy list on its website if interested).  The fear that is stopping me from taking Valporate is that 15% of patients report hair loss.  Now also that means that 85% of bipolars take it well.  The specific problem I have is that a close relative who is also bipolar and has taken Epival in the past endured significant hair loss which she has never fully recovered - from despite doctors saying that when you stop taking the medication your hair will grow back so no worries. Lies.  I have many of the same tolerances as this relative thus I am hesitant to take the risk.  Although it is extremely superficial I would be devastated by losing my hair.  I am a young pretty vibrant woman and I am unwilling to risk losing my hair, sorry.  Women need nice hair more than a good mood. That’s life. 
6. There is one more major mood stabilizer (besides lithium, lamotrigine and valporate)  that has been recommended for me if I do not choose to take Valporate - this is Carbamazepine (e.g. Tegretol). However, there is often significant weight gain associated with those who take Tegretol and I refuse to even consider this.  My psychiatrist actually agreed with me in this regard.  Considering my history he knew that this would be problematic for me.  Escorts in particular don’t gamble with hair loss or weight gain. 

Hopefully this has given you a brief yet general understanding of the ordeal I have been though when trying to stabilize my moods using drug therapy.  I honestly gave each drug a try, taking it for several weeks solely and objectively before making a judgment call on how it affects my mood disorder and my lifestyle which is undeniably another significant component of emotional well being. 

So what is a bipolar scorpio woman to do when all the drugs that are supposed to help her mood chip away at her body and soul in the meantime???  

In my most recent assessment my psychiatrist said that I am “ambivalent about basic steps to achieve mood stability”.  I strongly disagree.  I care very much about achieving mood stability and exploring the drugs that could help me, but I also care greatly about maintaining a standard quality for my life.  I have not yet found a balance using medication. Its only the moments between episodes I suppose I feel balanced.  But do I always need to be balanced? That’s a little boring isn’t it?

A Manic Depressive Moment on 'Cheers!'

Thought I'd share one of my favourite 'Cheers' moments with you.  About 4:30 in Dr. Lilith Sternin responds to her emergency pager going off, “...with any luck it’ll be one of my manic depressives and the evening will take an upturn.”  Enjoy. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WROJ3oNetp8