Should I follow my dreams?

I’ve been feeling quite well these past few months I’m please to say.  Unfortunately, it makes for a less interesting blog - as you may have noticed.  I’ve become much more in tune with my mind and body over the past year, and the associated subtleties that might indicate any possible mood swings - my early warning signs.  These include my dreams.  In a earlier blog I’ve discussed my bipolar dreams at length so I won’t go into the nitty gritty details again.  While I’ve always been a dreamer sometimes my dreams become more vivid and significant, not your ‘normal forgetful’ type of dream.  When these vivid dreams occur often within a narrow period of time I sit up and take notice.  It means my bipolar brain is acting up and I need to sort it out before it gets out of hand.  

Over the last couple weeks I’ve been having strange, intense, gripping dreams about animals. Particularly, bears and birds.  The animals are always hurt but never myself.  I feel strong empathy for them which I can not reconcile.  Even after I wake up the emotional intensity of the dream stays with my all day and several days after.  This is what concerns me.  When my dream bothers me for days afterwards its a bad sign.  

I’m hoping that writing this out might help me deal with it somehow.... I dunno.   

Let me tell you about my dreams:

Dream 1 was about the bear.  I was in the woods (no particular location, somewhere here in Canada I’d guess) when I came across a black bear.  I do not know why, but me and the black bear had a physical altercation and I ended up badly hurting its front left limb.   It retreated in great pain.  I was unharmed (which in reality would be absurd, as I would never expect to win a wrestling match with a bear!!! crazy!!).  Immediately I was filled with regret and an overwhelming feeling of remorse.  I wanted to help the bear but it ran off and I could do nothing more about it.  After I woke up I could not shake the remorsefulness I felt, and couldn’t help wondering what was going to happen to the bear.  I know the dream was not real but I could not shake my concern for the bear.  Its stayed with ever since, its been a week now.   

Dream 2 was about the birds.  A couple nights ago I dreamt that I was living in some type of apt or condo building that was rather old.  It was not my current residence. I had a pet bird, specifically a robin, that I often let wander around the apt because I felt bad it was caged up.  One day it disappeared.  Apparently the old building had cracks in the walls and animals often got lost in the walls and so forth.  When the little bird finally came back it was hungry, ruffled but OK.  Then suddenly other lost birds began coming into my apt after him.  There were 3 other birds that looked very haggard.  I felt so bad for them and wanted to ease their suffering as I could see they were hungry, injured and scared.  Almost like they had PTSD. I don’t know how they ended up lost in the first place or how  they came to my apt, or if they had owners in the same building, or anything at all...  It was like watching birds coming out of hiding after a war.  Strange.   

So, yeah, basically its been dreams like this... for days now I can’t stop thinking about these animals in pain, my fault or not.   I have not had any actual experiences with bears or birds recently, so I’m stumped as to why I’m having these types of dreams suddenly.  Alas, I turn to the online dream interpretation websites because I have no other idea on what to do about all this.   

Here’s what the almighty web has giveth me in response:

Bear:
To see a bear in your dream symbolizes independence, the cycle of life, death and renewal, and resurrection. You are undergoing a period of introspection and thinking. The dream may also be a pun on "bare". Perhaps you need to bare your soul and let everything out into the open. To dream that you are being pursued or attacked by a bear denotes aggression, overwhelming obstacles and competition. You may find yourself in a threatening situation. To see a polar bear in your dream signifies a reawakening. Alternatively, the polar bear symbolizes your frigid and cold emotions.

Bird:
To see birds in your dream symbolizes your goals, aspirations and hopes. To dream of chirping and/or flying birds represents joy, harmony, ecstasy, balance, and love. It denotes a sunny outlook in life. You are experiencing spiritual freedom and psychological liberation. It is almost as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. To dream of dead or dying birds indicates disappointments. You will find yourself worrying over problems that are nagging on your mind. To see bird eggs in your dream symbolize money. To see deformed or odd birds in your dream, indicates that you have a unique outlook and perspective on romance and love. The dream may also represent a lack of understanding in affairs of the heart. 

Robin: 

To see a robin in your dream represents new beginnings and a time for growth. You are feeling invigorated and inspired by the possibilities that are out there for you. Alternatively, it signifies self-sacrifice.

N.B. I tried to find the meaning of empathy and remorse but was unsuccessful.   Apparently only simple emotions like fear, anger and sadness are explained. Oh well. 

OK, so, do I see a theme here that might be helpful?   

The keywords: independence, obstacles and disappointments, introspection on life, re-awakening, time for growth, unique outlook and bright outlook on the future all resonate with me in regards to a personal issue.  Its the only sensible conclusion I can draw from this at the moment.  

(N.B. I’m not sure if I believe in this methodology or not, dream interpretation is a type of parapsychology that I’m on the fence about because of the broad interpretations that can be made. But its intriguing none-the-less.  Entertaining at the worst. So why not give it a shot?).

The possible link I feel between these intense, persistent dreams with the personal issue I am currently dealing with helps reconcile all this. It was a relief actually (if true), as in the past these vivid dreams often foreshadow a manic upswing.   

Now, naturally, you must be wondering what this personal issue is.  I wish I could come right out and tell you all about it, but honestly, I’m not comfortable discussing it on this blog.  I know this might sound strange considering the subject matter I’ve openly discussed, and how I’ve made an effort to maintain anonymity.  But since it has nothing to do with bipolar disorder, mental illness, prostitution or my societal commentaries using these topics as a unique filter/p.o.v., I have to keep it separate.  

What I can say about it is this - a couple weeks ago I had an inspiring idea to write a book. It has absolutely nothing to do with manic depression or my escort work.  It relates to something different that I have interest and some expertise in.  I’m not so conceited that I think this blog is more important than it is (just a blip in cyberspace), or if I’m kidding myself about my writing abilities, but if (in my wildest dreams) I actually write this book and it gets published (I can imagine surely, however unlikely), I’d be afraid that somehow someone would connect the dots.  I’m that afraid of being outed as a prostitute.  So I hope you understand my hesitation, vagueness and fear.              

Anyway, now that my vagueness has been somewhat explained, I’ll continue.  After the idea came to me, roughly 2 weeks ago, I thought it over for a couple days before deciding to act on it.  By this I’m referring to typing out my ideas and deciding if I should even mention it to someone else.   Because then it feels real and accountable if somebody else knows about it.  After typing out a solid outline of the book I wanted to write, I felt I had something solid and then I mentioned it to 2 friends.  The first was wishy-washy, but the second was fully supportive and encouraged me to give it a go.   I’m afraid to get my hopes up too high about it, but its something that I do think has honest potential, so I decided to really give it a go.  I’ve been working on it, with sincere effort, for the past week.  If if gets published I think it would be the appropriate time for me to retire from my escort work (or at least reduce it to part-time) and take my life in a different direction.  I know I’m a decent writer (no Stephen King mind you, but better than average I feel I can honestly say).  I’m hesitant to get my hopes up, but if a person doesn’t have something to challenge them or dream about for the future then life can get discouraging at times.  Consider all the people who play Lotto 6/49 every week.  I’m not alone out there.   

Pulling all of this together, I don’t think its a coincidence that my intense vivid  dreams started near the same time my book idea did.  I can see a connection now.  Perhaps its just wishful thinking, but it provides a me with an, albeit limited, sense of validation and encouragement regarding this writing project.  Its obviously struck a nerve deep in me if its the reason for these dreams. Which is a much more appealing explanation than I’m about to have an episode!  

Wow, I feel better already. Writing all this stuff out in black & white (so to speak) really does help me so much.  I honestly don’t care how many people read this blog if it makes me feel just a little better on the inside.   -------    Yet, I can’t deny its also become important to me that my stories are shared with others, and considered interesting in some way.  I’d like others to understand both bipolar disorder and prostitution better, with broader perspectives.  That makes me feel good too.  I don’t want society to think I’m a bad person or have wasted so many years of my life, because I don’t feel that way at all.  I‘m a little surprised at this, and how much it matters to me.   Maybe if I discover I can have a career in writing I’ll eventually get this topic out in the open.  But not yet.  I’m not ready.  

In conclusion, I’m still here and doing OK.  Feeling alright both physically and mentally. I’ve been maintaining the status quo for quite some time, hence - boring.  Its just recently over the past couple weeks something interesting has been happening which I felt was worth writing about.  I’ll let you know how it goes.  Cross your fingers for me and send me some positive vibes please.   BSW is still here, sometimes I’m just a little different. 

The Rock Star From Mars

Charlie Sheen has been an interesting person to follow. He’s a very talented actor who possesses a passion for his work and play.  However, he’s also made some very poor decisions, hurting myself and others in the process. He’s riding a roller coaster.  But the name of that beast of a roller coaster isn’t known for sure. Some people suggest he has bipolar disorder and his wild ups and downs do strongly support this claim. 

However, his acknowledged struggle with substance abuse could also be responsible for his erratic behaviour.  Until he recovers from his addictions and lives clean and sober, mental health professionals will not be able to accurately assess his mental health. 

I’m reserving my judgment. I’m in no position to assess him. He’s just a guy I hear about on TV.   What do I really know about him in all honesty?  Yet, if what I’ve seen and heard about him is based on truth, my gut feeling is that he’s dealing with a co-morbidity of mental illness and substance abuse.  Its extremely common for many manic depressives to self-medicate. 

So why am I talking about Charlie Sheen tonight? 

Well, I’ve seen a lot of Charlie Sheen over the past few days.   The media has been building up a lot of hype over his characters death and replacement on ‘Two and a Half Men’. This had to be a sore-spot for him. He was one of the highest paid actors on TV, then in an instant he lost it all. Unemployed and unappreciated for acting out the truth as he saw it.  Bridges were burnt and names were called, never to be forgotten. 

In addition to the stress of the above event, he also made a show-stopping appearance on the Emmy awards, in front of the entire TV industry and common audience viewers alike, nearly the entire western world, dare I say.  That has to be an intense experience for someone, no matter what their status is.  

Finally, since events seem to naturally come in 3’s, he endured another assault - his Comedy Central Roast. I find these roasts to be intense, nasty and full of hits below the belt.  Many of his darkest moments were mocked publicly and I expect hard for him to discuss publicly.  But since each roaster ended with a hug it had to be taken in good humor, I’m sure...it must.  

      

Its not unusual for an actor to appear on TV for 3 big events in a row.  Its part of the business I expect.  However, I noticed something unusual about Charlie during this big week which concerns me.  Instead of the erratic, wild, unpredictable Charlie that people have become fascinated with (similar to how some enjoy watching a train wreck unfold in front of them), he was calm, cool and collected. He also appeared sincerely apologetic, resolved and wanting to make amends for his bad behaviour.  These are healthy actions in the grand scheme of things.  And probably necessary for him to heal his wounds. 

The thing that stands out to me is that these significant behavioural changes usually indicate a shift in thought process and a clearing of the conscious. At the Emmy’s he clearly wanted to end the dispute and any vindictiveness.  The following day, he watched his TV persona, Charlie Harper, brutally killed off, cursed through his eulogy, cremated and then replaced by another man.  Finally, that same evening he endured a brutal roasting of his life, both public and private moments, forcing him to re-live some of his darkest moments.  Incredibly, he did it all which such grace and acceptance. The beast was leashed, tamed and no longer had that wild look in his eyes.  This was a different Charlie standing before us.  

I have 2 conflicting explanations for this change - optimistic and pessimistic. 

Optimistically, it appears (to me) that he is no longer manic and seeking some professional help.  His public appearances, words spoken and well kept composure throughout this week felt like he wanted to turn over a new leaf and be a better person.  A transformation is happening and he wants to start fresh, both professionally and personally.  I really hope this is the case.  He needs to do this if he wants to re-establish his career, trust and respect from others. 

Pessimistically, I’m worried that he’s acting like someone who is seriously contemplating suicide.  The death of his TV persona, ironically being replaced by a suicidal character that same episode, is an intense experience to endure, which must of made him ponder his own mortality.  I can’t help but point out the foreshadowing I noticed as well.  Not just in the Two and a Half Men episode, but also during the roast when Seth McFarlane opened the show rather ominously, by comparing him with the late Amy Winehouse.  These events can practically convince someone struggling with depression, that its the right time to die.  All while hiding it behind a brave face. 

But what concerns me most, are the public apologies he made, the calm acceptance of his bad behaviour, and his making amendments to clear his conscious, that set off the warning bells for me.  If he is indeed bipolar, then his recent manic behaviour seems to have come to its conclusion. Most people would see this as a positive step, but sadly most suffering with bipolar disorder don’t simply shift to neutral.  Untreated, they frequently crash hard into depression.  Its incredibly devastating when you finally realize the mess you made of your life, the people you’ve hurt along the way.   If the depression goes unrecognized and untreated, complete despair can envelope you.  Suicide suddenly seems like a rational way to end the hell. It might be difficult for most people to understand, but once you decide that you’re going to kill yourself, a sense of relief finally overcomes you.  Its nice, a sign you made the right choice.  Nothing they say is going to bother you now.  Much like Charlie’s relaxed and accepting body language during the roast.  You say your good byes, make your apologies, and make peace with those you’ve hurt, e.g. his apology and well wishes at the Emmy’s.  The loose ends are tied up and now you can rest in peace. 

I know this vicious cycle, its behavioural pattern and its warning signs.  If I knew Charlie personally, I would be on his door step right now checking in on him, but I don’t, so I can’t.  Instead I find myself writing this blog for him.  It feels like the least I could do.

Anyway, I really really hope I’ve misinterpreted his actions this past week, but I can’t shake this unsettling feeling, obvious and eerie, that he’s headed for a bad place.  

I hope the rock star from Mars stays with us for a little while longer. 

What Stresses Me Out

We all face stress in our lives. Its inevitable.  The only thing that varies is the type and amount of stress that we each face.  Me, the BSW, I have found that I face 3 different types of stress, each with their own components.  

2/3 factors I can not change - bipolar and scorpio, but the 3rd factor - escort work - is by choice. With that said, I think no matter what our choice of job is, it will always have some kind of stress.  Its just that each job stress is different I expect.  Some will be more stressful than others.  

Lets start with what I consider the easiest stress for me to deal with:

1. Being a scorpio.  My stress usually comes from dealing with intensity.  I am passionate, suspicious, jealous, hardworking and loyal. These bring with them their own stress. But I can deal with that. 

2. The stress of escort work is the second largest source of stress in my life.  I have to worry about: 

1. abuse from clients - e.g. physical, sexual, theft
2. law enforcement (e.g. my incall operation)
3. STI 
4. injury preventing me from working (e.g. if I broke my leg I'd find it harder to make money)
5. the typical problems of running a small business (cost of ads, overheads, competition, etc.)
6. family/friends finding out 

Of the 6 stressors I have from my escort work, the latter is the biggest source of stress by far.  I hate lying so much, yet I find I have to lie to the ones I love the most in order to protect them from this secret.  My biggest fear in life is not being arrested or catching an STD, I would rather suffer one of those burdens then to ever have my parents find out about my escorting.  Its not that I would be embarrassed, but they would never understand why I do this.  They can’t see prostitution from both sides of the issue, they only see it as a bad thing.  Thus they would feel that they failed, that I was a victim, and they would be devastated as a consequence. They'd rack their brains over where they went wrong? They’d lie awake every night, in tears.  I couldn't bear that.  But why can't I make my own choice as an adult either? Its an awful situation. 

  

I’ve thought about this a lot.  And I have come up with an excellent excuse if they ever did find out about this.  I know you’d love to hear, but I’m not comfortable disclosing my safe bailout plan online.  I will tell you this much.  I have a legit small business that is my cover job, and I have a second legit excuse to cover what might appear to be prostitution.  I’ll leave it at that.  But I have a 2 step plan, well thought out and already in place to cover my ass just in case I’m ever outed.  Let’s just hope it never comes to that. 

Not to sound too scary, but if BSW was ever outed by someone, and she knew who it was, god help them.  I have the same view of honour, integrity and trust as the mob does.  But that’s probably a scorpio trait too.  Loyalty and honour is gold.  Betrayal is unforgivable.  A good escort would never out her clients. And a good escort should also be protected.  All those who’ve met me will agree, I am truly a kind person.  But you’ll all just have to settle with the anonymity or have fun guessing. 

3. While lying to family is damn near the biggest stressor in my life, I have to admit that the stress my bipolar disorder causes just narrowly beats it out.  

If I could change one thing in my life it would be being bipolar.   

I do not have the time or energy to state every reason why this trumps all, but I’ll give you the 2 main reasons I think explain the significance of my particular case of BD. 

1. Ignorance
2. Side effects of medications

The average person does not understand bipolar disorder.  Because of their ignorance they often believe that those suffering with bipolar disorder are ill all of their life; constantly delusional or psychotic, unable to control themselves, unable to reason, and are thus dangers to themselves and/or others.  This is simply not true.  While all of these factors are of concern to people with bipolar disorder, most people blow them our of proportion in terms of frequency and severity.  I have experienced this first hand, and it feels horrible. Its a huge reason I hide my mental health issues and of course this is very stressful for me. 

Secondly, the medications for the treatment of bipolar disorder all have awful side-effects. I have tried to treat my disorder with several mainstream medications (e.g. lithium, lamotrigine, seroquel, abilify) and all medications have had side effects that have seriously affected the quality of my life. I won’t re-state those side-effects here, I’ve mention this in a previous blog.  

So many people have said just take my medicine and I’ll be OK, but when the side-effects are often worse than the disease, its not such an easy decision.  Most people don’t understand this. 

To sum this blog up:

Ignorance and medical side-effects are 2 of the biggest stresses in my life.  Followed closely by lying to family and friends about my ‘real’ work.   

IMHO, as the BSW, I think its easier to be a prostitute than to be bipolar.  

Amygdala - its all your fault!!

I’ve been struggling with writers block for the last two weeks.  I know exactly what I want to write but every night I am dissatisfied with my results and refuse to post the tripe I’ve written. Its either boring or rambling or unfocussed or some combination thereof. I am very irritated lately. But tonight I think I can do it. I’m going to post something goddman it. This foolishness has gone on long enough.  I hope this blog turns out well.  Don't lose faith in me. 

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I think I’ve finally figured out why I’ve been having so many nightmares, and what it all boils down to.  It all comes down to my Amygdala.  Let me explain, because it took a fair bit of digging around for me to figure it out, but I am somewhat satisfied with the conclusions I’ve drawn.  I should start from the beginning which would be my most recent nightmares.

I’ve had 2 more terrifying nightmares since my last blog that I will share with you. 

In the first one, I dreamt a man (a dark unrecognizable formidable figure) was trying (very hard) to drown me.  We were in the ocean and he had his hands closed around my throat and he held me firmly underwater beneath him.  I struggled but he was incredibly strong and it soon became clear that fighting him was futile.   The only chance I had was to fake death. I stopped struggling, went limp and fought the burning in my lungs with all my might. It worked. He released his grip from my throat and I began to float away from him.  I drifted through the ocean with my life. I remember enjoying the drifting feeling very much. I drifted for the rest of that dream. 

In the second dream I was camping somewhere out in nature, I’m not sure where exactly but a jungle type of environment comes to mind. It was nighttime and I was asleep between 2 other people in a tent when the attack happened.  This time it was not a man, but a tiger.  The animal tore through the tent and very specifically attacked the 2 people sleeping on either side of me, but did not harm me in any way.  I watched frozen in horror as the tiger tore the flesh from their stomachs in long strips, exposing their bright red innards. A disemboweling, twice. There was no doubt the tiger wanted them both dead but me alive. I don’t know why.  I wish there was more of a conclusion to that dream.  I don't even know who the 2 murdered people were to me. Its all so confusing. 

While these nightmares were still incredibly vivid, filled with murderous rage and negative emotions, I’ve not been incapacitated by them the following day (like I had been previously with the dream about Kristen).  So thats a bright note in the darkness. 

I’m fed up with trying to make sense of these dreams using those online dream dictionaries.  All I can get is the logic behind a certain symbol but the specific actions and behaviors ongoing are too complex to explain.  For your amusement - a tiger is apparently a symbol of female power and sexuality.  I can understand why I might dream about a tiger, I’m a very intense and sexual woman. But no dream dictionary is able to explain why the tiger killed my tent mates by disemboweling them before my own eyes. That’s messed up.  Fuck the dream dictionaries.  I’m way beyond those.   I've accepted that. 

Answers often come when you’re not looking for them at all.  And this is what happened to me when I was settling down for the evening one night last week. I often watch PBS or A&E when I’m trying to wind down before bed. Their shows are a bit like reading a book - interesting but not edge of your seat thrilling. I used to download whole seasons of certain TV series, but I could never just watch one episode at night. I’ll have to watch the whole damn season that night, forfeiting sleep completely.  I’m like Gizmo from the Gremlins, don’t feed me after midnight or things can get out of hand... I’m digressing, please excuse me.

That night I’m settling in to watch NOVA on PBS, and its all about dreams!  
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqQrbF2RFQc&feature=related FYI you can watch this NOVA Dream episode on youtube over 6 clips)
I’m not sure I believe in coincidences, I think most things are meant to happen, call it fate if you want.  Whatever. But this is just want I needed.  A credible and scientific approach to dreaming.  The show discussed many different aspects of dreams (did you know that our pet cats and dogs dream too? - very cool stuff) but the most important thing I took away from the show was which parts of the brain were responsible for dreaming: the hippocampus and amygdala.  In a nutshell, the hippocampus is responsible for retrieving events that we experienced while awake and incorporates them into our dreams.  The amygdala is responsible for dealing with our emotions, both awake and asleep.  Our brain places significant emphasis on the emotional aspect of our dreams. 

When the narrator said the word ‘amygdala’ I felt like he had just sucker punched me in the guts, knocking the wind right out of me. I literally dropped my tube of lip-balm I was applying to my lips and my jaw nearly fell to the floor after it. I’m not joking. (I still need to find that lip-balm under the futon now that I think of it.).  The realization that the amygdala is responsible for emotional dreaming was my missing link.  Most normal people have probably never heard of this abstract part of the brain, but I’ve learned about it because people diagnosed with bipolar disorder have a messed up amygdala. It may actually hold the key to the disease. So naturally I was all ears when I heard it controlled dreams too. 

I’m going to try to keep the terminology simple here but there are a few things I need to explain in order to link the amygdala with bipolar disorder, emotions and nightmares, so stay with me. 

Early brain researchers had a couple nicknames for the amygdala and I think its fitting to share them with you - the brains seat of emotion, as well as, the brains seat of fear. Needless to explain much further, its the part of the brain that controls our emotional responses and our reaction to fear.  An excellent example of how important this really is, is exemplified in the Fight or Flight Response.  When humans experience a dangerous stressor its your amygdala that decides if you stay and fight or if you run away.  Inside your amygdala the neurotransmitters that deal with stress (e.g. norepinephrine, ephedrine - sound familiar??) are released and used in your body. Basically, it gets your adrenaline pumping. 

This little almond shaped part of our brain (FYI amygdale is greek for almond) does a lot of work it seems - it’s responsible for dealing with emotion, fear, stress, dreams and so forth.  So its logical to assume that if the amygdala is damaged in someway so too would be that persons reaction to emotion, fear, stress, dreams.   

Well this is most likely what happens in people with bipolar disorder. Doctors have actually scanned the brains of those with BD and observed amygdalas that are for some reason misshapen, enlarged and/or overactive. Not the nice little almonds they should be.  There is no explanation for this. Even if its cause or effect.

You may or may not remember in one of my blogs back in June I touched on the 5 neurotransmitters that play a significant role in bipolar disorder (dopamine, serotonin, GABA, ephedrine and norepinephrine).  What I didn’t discuss back then was how they were controlled by the amygdala. It seemed like too much info at the time. But now its very important to acknowledge. 

This blog isn’t meant to be all about science, but a little bit of science is necessary here to explain all this craziness. 

Yes, my madness is explainable.  There is a real physical and chemical problem in my brain that causes me to think and behave this way.  

ooohhhhhh.....if I knew then what I know now many things would be different......

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To sum up the important points: 

• the amygdala is the part of the brain that is responsible for nightmares, as well as our reactions both emotional and stressful.  
• people diagnosed with bipolar disorder have an abnormal amygdala
• people diagnosed with bipolar disorder have abnormal responses to stress and difficulty coping with emotions; they also commonly have vivid nightmares
• Here’s the frustrating catch. Brain researchers haven’t yet proven that an abnormal amygdala actually causes bipolar disorder. All they can say for sure is that these symptoms are probably rooted in the amygdala b/c thats the kind of stuff the amygdala is responsible for. But they haven’t isolated the direct casual link. Its really difficult to experiment on the human brain.  Ethics and all.  A few brain image scans isn’t enough, its still circumstantial evidence (which we all know is not enough to convict). Of course there’s animal testing but can a rat or chimp even have bipolar disorder? How would you know when a rat is manic? A rat's not going on a shopping spree or claim to be God.  Could he? lol. Perhaps my mood disorder truly separates mankind from the rest of the animals. A cruel twist for humanity!!

I’m thinking of donating my brain to science when I die so pathologists can have a good look at my brain and my amygdala. I’ll have to find a spot somewhere on the organ donor card for that specific detail.  

Hey, donating your brain is all the rage these days.  All the hockey players who ever suffered a concussion are doing it. 

Puts a whole new spin on the saying ‘Let me pick your brain’.  

Damn, that just made me think of that dinner scene from Silence of the Lambs. 

Moving on....

   

It actually makes soooooooo much sense to me now. This seat of fear and emotion in the brain, which is also responsible for dreams/nightmares just happens to be misshapen and overactive in people with bipolar disorder. If we’re having a mood swing, and our neurotransmitters are out of whack, how does the amygdala deal with sorting out these disordered emotions?  Well messed up/scary/fearful/emotional nightmares seem like a possible way the brain might be trying to sort out these emotions and thoughts.  My nightmares might not be logical because my neurotransmitters are out of whack.  I’ve been trying to find meaning in nonsense. I need to stop acting like a 5yr old who can’t handle the scary movie they snuck into.  Time to toughen up kid.  

Even though I know that I’ll probably have these intense nightmares for the rest of my life, and there will still be times I’ll wake up gripped in terror, I don’t feel so bad about it anymore.  One of the worst things about dealing with bipolar disorder was not understanding it.  Honestly, when I was finally diagnosed I was relieved because I finally had an answer for what was going on with me.  Of course I wasn’t happy to be mentally ill, but at long last I knew what I was fighting, and thats half the battle.  This is the same feeling I have put towards these nightmares.  Understanding their cause (at least in some part) actually takes away some of their power over me.  

This reminds me of a scene from one of my favorite childhood movies - Labyrinth. When Jennifer Connolly faces David Bowie (the Goblin King) and defeats him with the words “you have no power over me”. Very fitting. 

Too bad its not quite so simple as that. 

This has been a big deal for me.  I’ve never told anyone about my monsters, these terrible nightmares until now - never family, friends or doctors. They were always internalized. The first time I ever described one was the bipolar sandman blog I wrote last month. I’m not sure why I hid them away.  Maybe I was afraid of how they would be interpreted by others - I wasn’t abused as a child or witness to a gruesome act but maybe someone would be convinced I was repressing something. I did not want to deal with that. Maybe I was afraid of a doctor telling me I needed a change in lifestyle - nightmares about sexuality, men, death caused by escorting? I’m not quitting my job over a few nightmares. Maybe the best reason is simply because I just wanted to forget about them.  

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There is one more aspect of the bipolar sandman that I feel I should discuss. Then I’m done. Finito. It may actually be useful to other people dealing with BD and actually concludes this blog with a worthy end note. Here goes.  Researchers at the Psychiatry Dept. of the University of Alberta found that those diagnosed specifically with BD can use their dreams (both frequency and content of) as a predictor for mood swings (see Beauchemin & Hays, 1995, for more details).  

The researchers found that: 

- Their BD subjects dreamed least often when depressed.  

- Had dreams that were routine/mundane/uneventful when in a neutral mood state. 

- Experienced dreams that were bizarre, improbable and often featured death or bodily injury when shifting to manic states.  

How interesting. 

I took a long winding road getting here. But the view is magnificant and well worth the effort.  Now that I have a better understanding of how the bipolar sandman is created from within my abnormal amygdala I’m not so scared of him anymore.  Maybe I can also add him as a tool in my mental health first aid kit. I now have a flare - an advance alarm possibly.  To quote Metallica one more time - its all within my hands. 

Bipolar Sandman

Disclaimer - this is not a very sexy blog. Its dark and deep. Different from what I've written about before. But hey, I'm bipolar, so what were you expecting? 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uY3LAFJbKyY&feature=related 

Metallica - Enter Sandman

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bg92QpjRcJk&feature=related 

Metallica - For Whom the Bell Tolls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8BRbM52gpc&feature=related

Metallica - Sad But True

I’m sorry that I haven’t answered my emails in a couple days but I had a nightmare. 

I don’t dream like a normal person does. I dream to the max, like how people in a TV commercial for diet soda are supposed to be living their lives. My dreams are intense - they spin effects on many different levels, somehow they drag in personal emotions from my real life into these spontaneous fictional situations, which are perceived by all my bodily senses.  A maximum dream. Its like I’m briefly visited by Stephen King on his way his from an Apocalyptica concert.  

This dream left me shaking, breathing heavy, unsure about what was real and riddled with anxiety.  I have not left my apt in 2 days, turned on my work phone or eaten anything besides Cheerios.  

I dreamt my cousin, Kristen (nearly my same age, spent much of my life with, who I loved dearly) was dead, her body finally found and returned to the family for proper burial.  When I woke up from the dream I had to stop myself from phoning her to make sure she was still alive. I needed to be sure.  Instead I focussed on taking some deep calming breathes, and calmed down. I checked her facebook page and saw that she was active recently and that reassured me enough to put the phone down. Easy does it. I don’t want them thinking I’m any more crazy than they already do. 

Another reason I wanted to blog about this was because many people fear that manic depressives can not control their impulsivity. This is not true. Yes, it can be a struggle but it can be managed.  I wish that more of my normal friends/clients could control their equally destructive drunken dialing episodes. 

Let me tell you about my dream. I highly recommend that you listen to Metallica’s Black album while you read. I’ve posted some links above if you don’t have it on itunes. 

..................

I had finally taken the vacation of my dreams. I was exploring an island in the South Pacific (I’m not sure which one). I had just returned from a day of tasting exotic fruit and  volcano hiking when I got the phone call that Kristen had been found. Not only had the hope that she would be found alive came to an abrupt and cruel end, but my fantasy vacation had also been robbed from me too. It never rains, it pours. 

In my dream (not in reality), she had been working as a stripper and her disappearance taken as tragic, but not surprising.  Evidently what happened to her was this - she had answered an ad to become a nanny but the person who posted the ad abducted her, tortured her and eventually killer her. Her body was found in a lab much like Josef Mengele must have had.  It was a scene out of an episode of CSI playing out in my dream.  The man responsible was not captured.  It looked like the lab had been abandoned for months. 

When I got home naturally I was upset and had to deal with other stressors in my life. It was a time when I was still at my fathers and before my diagnosis. My stepmother still hated me, and threatened that if I kept crying too much I was going to embarrass her in front of everyone at the funeral.  She pressed my father on how long I would remain a childish burden to them.  I missed Kristen so much it hurt to breathe. 

After the wake, I had to pick up my brother. I was driving an old model station wagon, specifically a 1987 Chevy Celebrity. The kind that families used before the invention of the minivan.  On the way home something grabbed my attention, I saw a man with a necklace that had to be my cousins. I knew it was hers. I just knew it. I had a chain just like it, a long delicate gold chain, with a round pendant scattered with precious gems, diamonds and sapphires. I had the same one and instantly recognized the design, felt the weight of the cool metal against the skin, felt his unease with the trinket, her aura still strong around it.  

For some reason we drove the exact same brown station wagon. I followed him to his new death lab. He kept people in cells and drawers and chains.  Some of the people he had were so starved that they hungrily ate the giant red millipedes he fed them from a brown paper bag.  And they were grateful. Nobody wore anything except for shackles made of brown leather and cool metal.  I left before I could figure out what he was doing with them. I didn’t want him to see me, and I couldn’t be late picking up my brother. All I knew was this was what my cousin had gone through all because she answered an ad because she wanted a job as a nanny because she was tired of the late hours of stripping. And don’t get caught, don’t get noticed, don’t be late. 

I left to go pick up my brother. I didn’t want to tell my father and step-mother because I didn’t think they would believe me. I knew my brother would though and I drove him to the lab.  I don’t remember much more about the dream.  I do have some sense of finality after this last part so I assume that the man was brought to justice.  Its only a dream though, so it doesn’t really matter in the end.   

............................

I feel like until today my blog has given you just one impression of me. I know this particular blog entry sounds awful, scary and terribly unsexy. Maybe there are some of you who think I may have spoiled BSW’s sexy passionate call girl image by writing it. But I’m all of these things. Its who I am. It was meant to explain, intrigue and help in its own way. 

From the beginning, this blog was meant to help me deal with how bipolar disorder affects my life.  Since this dream affected me and caused my behaviour to change for 2 days it was obviously significant and I needed to think about it.  So it was important to include this entry too.  The BSW blog is primarily for myself, but with the encouragement of a friend I thought that it would also be good to share this with others for its potential to educate, advocate and entertain. I’ve shared my bipolar sandman with you for all these reasons. I hope you can handle it, if not perhaps you should work on building up some inner strength, tougher skin and a broader mind.   Just a suggestion, nothing more. 

I see just as much ugliness in the world as I do beauty. This is probably why I try to focus so much on the goodness and beauty in life, and have chosen a job that can spread pleasure. 

I feel better now.  Writing this out in black and white has helped me digest it and I don’t feel so incapacitated by it anymore.  Its been a couple days. I think I might go for a walk,  have an ice cream and turn my phone back on. 

Coping with stress - the manly way

Stress management is one of the most important things that can be done to temper the impact of bipolar disorder (BD).  

I’ll quickly review a few key points here - people diagnosed with BD have a genetic tendency to overproduce the chemical hormones that are responsible for regulating stress.   This is why stress can trigger bipolar episodes (stress = hormonal imbalances = brain short-circuiting).  Anything that can reduce stress or help cope with stress would be therapeutic (e.g. may reduce frequency, severity, duration of episodes).  

Here are some common ways to reduce stress:

• eat a healthy diet
• exercise
• get 8 hrs sleep each night
• reduce intake of stimulants/depressants, e.g. drugs, alcohol, caffeine
• do not smoke
• pray, meditate, do yoga
• laugh, hug, smile more
• have sex
• other various things that you enjoy...

I’m sure you’ve heard it all before. Boring....moving right along...

I think I do pretty good preventing minor stress in my life. However, not all stress can be prevented (e.g. death, divorce, deceit) and has to be coped with in some way. It wasn’t until I was sitting in my doctors office this morning that it hit me. I have only ever used one method to deal with all the stress in my life, regardless of its nature. I have been trained to think like a scientist. Convinced that the best way to deal with stress was to always face it head on, discuss it, understand it, fix it. As I’ve come to discover, this is a great strategy for physical stress but not emotional stress.  I tried to fix every single emotional stress in my life by confronting, picking apart and forcing the issue. I was completely convinced this was the best and only way to do it. Whenever it didn’t work it was because the other person was obviously the problem, it was never me. I gotta laugh at it now.  Well fuck me.  No wonder so many episodes (not all severe) were triggered by fights with family/friends. I was blinded by my stubborn grandiose thoughts. 

I didn’t know any other way.  I kept forcing logical reasoning on emotional issues that were illogical. That makes a lot of sense.  Now I’m sitting in my GPs office, yes, the BSW is asking a man of science how to cope with emotional conflicts before she goes insane.  This is when the proverbial other shoe drops:  I don’t think my emotions developed in a healthy normal way, like an average child because I was bullied quite bad at school (gr. 7-12), and in a more subtler way by my father at home. I isolated myself from most people to avoid being picked on by the bullies. I built a wall around myself and didn’t make many friends. Its the reason I feel so comfortable being alone and am so independent. Its a fabulous combination of traits for a call girl. I think its another significant reason why I enjoy escorting.  

The irony of it is not lost on me. Men now pay hundreds of dollars for the privilege of spending an hour with me, but in high school I was constantly rejected. My escort work has been such a positive influence in my life. It builds self-esteem, confidence, positive body image and improving social skills. I wish more people could understand this wonderful side of prostitution. Its empowering.

Finally, FINALLY!, the full picture came into view. Until now I didn’t understand that these 2 things (1. constantly and inappropriately forcing a logical solution on an emotional problem; and 2. poorly-developed emotional/social skills) had such a strong impact on my ability (or should I say lacking ability ) to cope with emotional stress.

OMG, am I emotionally retarded?  Perhaps emotionally illiterate or stunted would be more appropriate. 

No wonder emotional stress always exacerbated my bipolar disorder. I have poor emotional development, lacking many of the coping strategies everybody else has.   Huh, how about that?! 

So now what?

I asked my GP some of the most basic questions that afternoon. How does he deal with emotional conflict? How does the average guy cope with a girlfriend in PMS? Honestly, I don’t know how to deal with these situations.   

He then explained to me how to think through emotional problems like a man, remembering only the letter ‘A’. 

There were 3 coping strategies: 1) Alcohol, 2) Avoid or 3) Accept.  

Apparently its just that simple. This could be the best advice I’ve ever been given in my entire life. 

Instead of trying to fix all the stress in my life, I need to learn when to just let it go before it drives me insane.  

Doctor’s orders. 

Yes, leave it to a manic depressive to declare she’s discovered the solution to the biggest problem in her life at 5am. Now I shall finish my wine in celebration. It is the first A in my new stress management program.

Welcome to my world!

Pondering stress, cortisol and drunken sailor syndrome

I read a really interesting report linking cortisol (the chemical controlling stress in our body) and bipolar disorder (BD):  

http://journals.cambridge.org/action/displayAbstract?fromPage=online&aid=8267925&fulltextType=RA&fileId=S0033291711000523

In a nutshell, the article found that people who were diagnosed with BD had higher sensitivity to stress and tended to produce significantly more cortisol than people without BD.  This makes sense to me as my triggers have always been caused by intense stress. My first episode occurred when my parents divorced.  Next when I moved away for grad school and had social integration issues. And again when I eventually dropped out of grad school.  The death of my step-father, and most recently, the huge fight I had with my biological father.  I think its important to note that all 5 of these episode inducing stressors were emotional, not physical or environmental, in origin. 

If my brain has a natural genetic tendency to produce too much cortisol, then my ability to deal with stress will likely be negatively impacted, resulting in the severe mood swings I experience.  That makes sense. 

To help reduce stress in my life I have adopted a healthy lifestyle.  I exercise daily, participate in recreational sports twice a week, eat healthy foods and try to avoid personal conflicts as much as possible.  Besides certain aspects of my escort work (which I really do enjoy most of the time, e.g. orgasms are good for relieving stress), I live a really healthy lifestyle which should help me deal with stress.  Since I have difficulty taking long term medications its important for me to make a proactive and sustained effort in this area. 

There are some things about stress and its affect on me that I am still confused about though. I am a bit of an adrenaline junkie, and considering my genetic predisposition regarding cortisol and stress, I wonder if my thrill seeking habits are detrimental to my mental health.  For instance, I love competitive team sports, scuba diving with sharks, ice-climbing in winter, hiking up volcanos, so on and so forth.  Surely these activities must significantly increase my cortisol levels. 

Come to think of it, I realize that I react differently to the 2 types of stress (physical vs emotional). Physical stress I manage quite well.  For example, I discovered just how far I could push my body physically under both physical and environmental stress when I did my divemaster training. I am able to objectify, compartmentalize and break down into tasks what I need to do to handle/neutralize the physical stressor. I surprised myself with just how calm, cool and collected I am when surrounded by sharks, or when I’m searching for the valve on my air tank while holding my breath at 10m depth without the visual aid of my face mask.  I trained well, think positive and complete tasks.  I think I am good at problem solving because it is something that can be learned.  I can apply logical thinking to these kind of stressors. I have a scientific mind evident in the fact that I have a Bachelor of Science degree with Honours.  My mind craves and excels in scientific exploration, which I apply to getting through thrill seeking adventures.  I’m just like Indiana Jones or Lara Croft.  Seriously, I’ve worked on projects in Europe, Africa and SE Asia before becoming an escort. 

Emotional stress on the other hand, I simply can not handle. Let me try to explain... Normally people have a coping mechanism to manage an emotional stressor, which in turn causes the neurotransmitters in their healthy brains to re-adjust to normal levels. The bipolar brain lacks the mechanism to control the neuro-transmitted chemical hormones in the brain evoked by certain stressors. It begins to overload, short-circuit (e.g. swing into an episode) and given time could even induce a network crash (e.g. hospitalization).  

Gives a certain insight into the use of ECT (shock therapy) for mental illness doesn’t it?? I’ve never had ECT just in case you were wondering. Its not a primary treatment for BD anymore, it tends to be employed only for severe cases when all drug therapy options have been exhausted. 

Reflecting on my past personal relationships, where intense emotional stress has occurred (e.g. death of a love one, family conflict, rejection, deceit and betrayal), I typically have nasty downward spirals. Just like in the cartoons where a snowball rolls downhill growing bigger and faster the longer it goes until it crashes. 

I try to solve all stress using logic but as most men will telI you, emotions are hard to understand because they often make no sense at all - they are illogical. I’m like a cross between a Vulcan and a Klingon.  I expect my male readers will give me a little sympathy in this regard!  Maybe I should seek advice from men in this regard. How do men handle their girlfriends during PMS? What coping strategies do men employ when they are emotionally attacked? I mean besides punching them in the face. As tempting as that is it will probably just add to my list of problems. 

For the longest time I blamed these emotional meltdowns and their resulting mood swings, on being a woman and a scorpio. It was the only thing that made sense. But now I realize that its probably due to this suspected cortisol imbalance, among other neurally transmitted hormones, which cause bipolar disorder.    

Now that I think about it, I tend to react to emotional stressors like someone who is completely loaded drunk.  You know that drunken over-reactive, loud, hyper-sensitive, assumptive, crying uncontrollably type of reaction people have when arguing drunk? That’s what it reminds me of. Mess with my emotions bad enough and I turn into the proverbial drunken sailor: 

Oh what do you do with a drunken sailor, 

what do you do with a drunken sailor, 

what do you do with a drunken sailor, 

early in the morning?  

You can’t reason with someone that is drunk or high. Its futile, forget it. You just have to wait until they sober up. That’s kinda what its like dealing with someone having a bipolar episode. Manics reason like a meth head, and depressives use drunken logic. The shitty thing is that bipolars need alot of time and help to sober up.  Take an aspirin and call me in the morning? Not quite, try taking lithium and call me in a month, and keep doing it for the rest of your life.  

Whoa. Stop. See what I’m doing here? I’m trying to apply logic to explain this situation. I’ve gone off on what’s an interesting, amusing and, hopefully, sensible tangent that I’m passionate and sometimes emotional about.  Its OK though b/c it might help to explain some common bipolar behaviour that normal people don't understand.

I’m going to re-focus this blog now before it spirals out of control.   See, I can recognize it. 

There are a couple things that have been going through my mind since reading that article linking cortisol and bipolar disorder.  

  

1. I wonder if there is a specific cortisol inhibiting drug that I could take when I have to deal with emotional stress?  I bet that could potentially stabilize my mood swings. Exactly which hormones do popular mood stabilizing drugs like lithium or valproate affect? 
2. Why is it only emotional stress (not physical stress) that trigger my episodes? From what I’ve read there is no difference between the body’s response to physical stress as compared to emotional stress. Apparently it produces the same hormones in response to stress regardless of its nature.  E.g. there are no specific emotional stress hormones or physical stress hormones, essentially cortisol is the multitasking stress hormone.  

I hope the authors of this aforementioned article continue to explore this topic of research. There is so much yet to learn about bipolar disorder.   In particular, the effects of emotional stress on the brain and how to manage it. 

It could help the world be a little less crazy. 

God explained

I thought this was funny and worth sharing.  I have to admit, its hard to argue with the logic.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/god-diagnosed-with-bipolar-disorder,348/

Screw Compliance

So here I am again.  I have decided to stop taking my medication, Abilify.  More accurately I decided to stop taking my meds last Friday after my vision got so blurry that I decided not to go to my friends ultimate party - an event that I was looking forward to for months, an epic event not to be missed, that would be spoken of for weeks to come - because I could not make out their faces and I felt confused, scared, angry, frustrated and ashamed of this.  I went to bed at 10pm and hoped that my phone would remain mercifully silent. I do not need this anxiety thieving my quality of life. 

After that incident I decided that was enough.  It had a significant impact on my quality of life which was not an option that could be sacrificed for the cause.  I isolate myself enough as is due to my escort work that when I finally take a weekend off I still chose to hide away. No, this small social life that I have is too important to me to sacrifice. The tendency manic depressives have to isolate is not healthy and this could potentially lead to aggravation. 

I did not make this decision lightly.  I have been thinking about how long I wanted to take this medication for since the side effects first started.  I tried to ride them out, thinking I might get used to them or perhaps they would even go away in time, which happens with many patients.  However, they only worsened with time. Typical for me it appears. 

I still have faith in Abilify though. I’m not writing it off like I did with the other anti-psychotic med Seroquel, aka. the zombifier.  It undoubtably helped me through an acute episode of agitated depression, where the symptoms of the episode were definitely much worse than the side effects of treatment. If I have another mixed or manic episode I would definitely consider taking this medication for short term help.  I still have a 2 week supply which is going in my mental health first aid kit, along with my clonazepam and a flask of vodka.  The lithium and seroquel I threw away, I was so disgusted with them.  When I agreed to give lithium another chance my GP asked me if I had any left from my first round.    I looked him straight in the face and said I threw it all out one day when I was having a raging cleaning fit.  We both burst out laughing b/c its so typical for a manic depressive to do that. 

The main obstacle I had to determining an appropriate length of treatment was deciding when I was actually through the episode.  Since I was feeling good and functioning normally on the medication at this point I had no real way to determine if it was due to the meds, or if the episode had run its natural course.  The problem is that every episode is unique. It could last days, weeks or months. Its the nature of the beast. 

From my past experience I’ve found that it was acceptable to go off medication therapy after 2 conditions were met: 

1. I had been symptom free and stable for a defined amount of time
2. The triggers that instigated the attack had been dealt with/mitigated and a support network was in place. I would be returning to a safe zone, a happier healthier place than before.      

I discussed all this with my GP before making my informed decision to quit.  From the data he found people taking Abilify for bipolar disorder were OK to discontinue use after being symptom free for a minimum of 6 weeks.  I had been clear for 2 months now so it seemed the first condition had been met.  

The second condition is more complicated and can only be achieved to a certain point. My trigger has always been significant emotional stress (I’m willing to bet that improved management of my likely higher than normal cortisol levels - the hormone that regulates reactions to stress - would really benefit my mood stability).  In reality, its nearly impossible to eliminate all emotional stress from our lives, but coping strategies can be applied, arguments worked out diplomatically, those sorts of things.

  

I have come to realize that my father has been a recurring trigger for me, and has only created negativity in my life.  I made the extremely difficult decision to cut all ties with him in order to preserve my sanity, seriously.  There is obviously more to this story than I’m prepared to include in this blog so bear with me.  There comes a point in ones life when you have to look hard at where the sources of stress and joy are coming from, especially when they make you seriously ill.  I could find no joy or love from my father. He was selfish, lazy and continually hurt me by constantly dismissing my needs for his. He only cared for me when it was convenient for him. Despite this, I have finally learned to love myself and refuse to let him keep doing this to me, especially when I had other sources of joy and unconditional love that I should be focussing on.  

After cutting the paternal ties that emotionally bludgeoned me I felt as if a crushing weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I have no regrets.  In my quest to be healthy I have surrounded myself with loving and nurturing people who are more deserving of my time.  I can not thank my mother enough for her support.  She is the best long term medical therapy I can have.  I found the strength to make my decision in her.  Years ago she decided to cut him out of her life as well, it showed me that its important to take care of yourself and your family first. 

Long story short, the 2 conditions were met and the side effects were now intolerable.  Time to stop the meds. I declare the agitated depression officially over and am mentally healthy again. Hooray! Screw compliance. Does this sound like someone who is ambivalent towards taking steps towards mood stabilization? Hardly.  

My next doctors appt is in 2 days and I’ll be discussing this with him further.  We’ll have to work on a monitoring and contingency plan I expect.  

- Brave New World -

So here I am facing the world again without chemical intervention.  But I am not ill prepared.  I have gained even more experience from this most recent battle. I have a firm grasp on what my triggers are, what my behavioural symptoms include (my warning signs basically), a support network of friends and family to slap me up side the head as needed, a mental health first aid kit, and a fabulous GP who will help me with medical intervention without judging me (I’ve had some bad doctors in the past which will be the discussion of a future blog I will assure you). I feel confident and secure that I can handle my mental illness to a large extent. I fully expect there to be times when I need medication again, but accepting this and planning for it is truly half the battle.  I don’t expect it to be completely smooth sailing for the BSW but who’s life ever is?