So here I am again. I have decided to stop taking my medication, Abilify. More accurately I decided to stop taking my meds last Friday after my vision got so blurry that I decided not to go to my friends ultimate party - an event that I was looking forward to for months, an epic event not to be missed, that would be spoken of for weeks to come - because I could not make out their faces and I felt confused, scared, angry, frustrated and ashamed of this. I went to bed at 10pm and hoped that my phone would remain mercifully silent. I do not need this anxiety thieving my quality of life.
After that incident I decided that was enough. It had a significant impact on my quality of life which was not an option that could be sacrificed for the cause. I isolate myself enough as is due to my escort work that when I finally take a weekend off I still chose to hide away. No, this small social life that I have is too important to me to sacrifice. The tendency manic depressives have to isolate is not healthy and this could potentially lead to aggravation.
I did not make this decision lightly. I have been thinking about how long I wanted to take this medication for since the side effects first started. I tried to ride them out, thinking I might get used to them or perhaps they would even go away in time, which happens with many patients. However, they only worsened with time. Typical for me it appears.
I still have faith in Abilify though. I’m not writing it off like I did with the other anti-psychotic med Seroquel, aka. the zombifier. It undoubtably helped me through an acute episode of agitated depression, where the symptoms of the episode were definitely much worse than the side effects of treatment. If I have another mixed or manic episode I would definitely consider taking this medication for short term help. I still have a 2 week supply which is going in my mental health first aid kit, along with my clonazepam and a flask of vodka. The lithium and seroquel I threw away, I was so disgusted with them. When I agreed to give lithium another chance my GP asked me if I had any left from my first round. I looked him straight in the face and said I threw it all out one day when I was having a raging cleaning fit. We both burst out laughing b/c its so typical for a manic depressive to do that.
The main obstacle I had to determining an appropriate length of treatment was deciding when I was actually through the episode. Since I was feeling good and functioning normally on the medication at this point I had no real way to determine if it was due to the meds, or if the episode had run its natural course. The problem is that every episode is unique. It could last days, weeks or months. Its the nature of the beast.
From my past experience I’ve found that it was acceptable to go off medication therapy after 2 conditions were met:
- I had been symptom free and stable for a defined amount of time
- The triggers that instigated the attack had been dealt with/mitigated and a support network was in place. I would be returning to a safe zone, a happier healthier place than before.
I discussed all this with my GP before making my informed decision to quit. From the data he found people taking Abilify for bipolar disorder were OK to discontinue use after being symptom free for a minimum of 6 weeks. I had been clear for 2 months now so it seemed the first condition had been met.
The second condition is more complicated and can only be achieved to a certain point. My trigger has always been significant emotional stress (I’m willing to bet that improved management of my likely higher than normal cortisol levels - the hormone that regulates reactions to stress - would really benefit my mood stability). In reality, its nearly impossible to eliminate all emotional stress from our lives, but coping strategies can be applied, arguments worked out diplomatically, those sorts of things.
I have come to realize that my father has been a recurring trigger for me, and has only created negativity in my life. I made the extremely difficult decision to cut all ties with him in order to preserve my sanity, seriously. There is obviously more to this story than I’m prepared to include in this blog so bear with me. There comes a point in ones life when you have to look hard at where the sources of stress and joy are coming from, especially when they make you seriously ill. I could find no joy or love from my father. He was selfish, lazy and continually hurt me by constantly dismissing my needs for his. He only cared for me when it was convenient for him. Despite this, I have finally learned to love myself and refuse to let him keep doing this to me, especially when I had other sources of joy and unconditional love that I should be focussing on.
After cutting the paternal ties that emotionally bludgeoned me I felt as if a crushing weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I have no regrets. In my quest to be healthy I have surrounded myself with loving and nurturing people who are more deserving of my time. I can not thank my mother enough for her support. She is the best long term medical therapy I can have. I found the strength to make my decision in her. Years ago she decided to cut him out of her life as well, it showed me that its important to take care of yourself and your family first.
Long story short, the 2 conditions were met and the side effects were now intolerable. Time to stop the meds. I declare the agitated depression officially over and am mentally healthy again. Hooray! Screw compliance. Does this sound like someone who is ambivalent towards taking steps towards mood stabilization? Hardly.
My next doctors appt is in 2 days and I’ll be discussing this with him further. We’ll have to work on a monitoring and contingency plan I expect.
- Brave New World -
So here I am facing the world again without chemical intervention. But I am not ill prepared. I have gained even more experience from this most recent battle. I have a firm grasp on what my triggers are, what my behavioural symptoms include (my warning signs basically), a support network of friends and family to slap me up side the head as needed, a mental health first aid kit, and a fabulous GP who will help me with medical intervention without judging me (I’ve had some bad doctors in the past which will be the discussion of a future blog I will assure you). I feel confident and secure that I can handle my mental illness to a large extent. I fully expect there to be times when I need medication again, but accepting this and planning for it is truly half the battle. I don’t expect it to be completely smooth sailing for the BSW but who’s life ever is?
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