Tuesday 14 June 2011

The bipolar scorpio call girl - Part 2 of 2: Chasing the hypomanic dragon

After some thought, I think it might be a good idea to fully explain why I used the phrase ‘chasing the hypomanic dragon’.  I don’t want anybody to think I have a serious drug problem, especially going on to quote Charlie Sheen on winning, lol!  Hence Part 2. 
I referred to chasing the dragon for a specific reason: it is strongly associated with drug abuse. But I want to reassure my readers that I am not a drug addict (I will admit to recreational drug use however).  In my thoughts, this phrase emphasizes the parallel between hypomania and getting high.  But its actually about those feel good hormones. For anyone who’s ever used recreational drugs or played competitive sports you’ll understand how desirable that mental state can be. Its about the endorphins released when a chase is rewarded by a goal. Its this chase, this seduction of a high that I want to emphasize.   
Hypomania is like being high, but not so high that you’re hallucinating or delusional (that would be mania or psychosis).  To define hypomania - its basically a milder form of mania. The need for sleep is reduced, yet still being energetic, talkative, racing thoughts, increased sexuality and shopping tendencies but not having these symptoms negatively interfere with your life, work and personal relationships (which would be full mania). It can be difficult to clearly define. Its only slightly crazy; a cool, tolerable, interesting and fun crazy.  Its feeling like you just scored the game winning touchdown. Or sparking up a joint. Pouring the champagne.  Sweet. 
The drug metaphor is not completely out of place here, as bipolar disorder is actually a biochemical reaction occurring in the brain, much like the effect of a drug.  Both drug and bipolar disorder disrupt neurotransmitters in the brain, thereby affecting the levels of certain chemicals (e.g. serotonin - the feel good hormone) in the body which in turn affect our mood, thoughts and behavior.  Bipolar disorder is essentially a naturally occurring drug reaction in my body which can not always be predicted or explained.    
While doctors don’t know what causes bipolar disorder there has been much research done in an attempt to explain what happens in the brain during bipolar episodes.  They’ve pinpointed 5 main chemicals that: 1) Dopamine, 2) GABA, 3) Glutamate, 4) Norepinephrine, 5) Serotonin.  Whenever something happens to disrupt the neurotransmission of these chemicals there are emotional and/or behavioral consequences, e.g. a mood swing.  Dopamine controls movements and balance, GABA controls calmness, Glutamine controls excitability, Norepinephrine controls stress and Serotonin controls not just happiness but also sleep and memory.   
Ever notice when you’re high your balance and coordination is off? That’s because the drug you’re using is affecting your dopamine transmission.  You calm down and chill out?  That would be a change in norepinephrine level. You feel really happy? That’s an increase in serotonin.  A bipolar episode has a significant change in usually 3 of these, much like the effect of getting high on a few different drugs instead of just one.  
Let’s use serotonin for an indepth example.  We commonly know it as the feel good hormone.  Naturally we all want to feel good, this is why drugs that increase serotonin, both street and pharmaceutical level, are abused.  Amphetamines, cocaine, LSD, ecstasy, codeine, fentanyl are just a few examples. If you’re depressed (e.g. unipolar or suffering from major depressive disorder) there’s a good chance you’re being prescribed an SSRI (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor) such as Prozac, Paxil or Zoloft.  These drugs primarily make you feel happy by preventing serotonin from being reabsorbed, thus increasing the total amount of it in your brain (the more the merrier!).
It sounds like an easy solution to cure bipolar depression as well, however, manic depressives are much too sensitive to altered levels of neurotransmitters and tend to overreact to these class of drugs.  From my personal experience when I took Zoloft and Effexor I went into full blown mania. This is not untypical of bipolars.  Generally anti-depressives work, in a sense, too well on bipolars and are thus not appropriate. Its often how most bipolars are finally diagnosed after years of unrecognized episodes.    
Alas I digress. So to make my point, anybody who’s ever taken any of these drugs, or was recommended to by their doctor, understand what its like to experience a significant change in Serotonin levels. High levels feel good and can be addictive. Low levels feel melancholic and can be life-threatening. This is a simplified explanation of what is happening in the brain of a manic depressive.  Now imagine if this is happening on up to 5 different levels with varying intensity.  That’s why manic depressives act the way they do.  
As I just outlined, there is a scientific explanation to it. This is why bipolars can’t just snap out of it. We’re in a chemically induced state, one that can not just be voluntarily snapped out of anymore than cancer or diabetes can. We don’t know why this happens. Its not fair. But we have to deal with it. So give us a break. 
Hopefully you’re still with me, and I’ve explained this somewhat clearly, because I think this is the reason I modify my behavior in an attempt to get my brain to a hypomanic state. Its the porridge thats just right. And I’m Goldilocks trying to navigate my way through it all. Its just the right balance of these 5 chemicals that feels sooooo good to me.  I’m constantly performing a juggling act with diet, exercise, drugs, alcohol and people in order to achieve this state.  This is my dragon.  Its my beast, burden and saviour.  Its why I act the way I do. Its probably the main reason I’m a call girl and a damn good one... most of the time anyway.   
Before you judge me, take a long hard look at yourself, and I mean this is a non-accusatory way. Aren’t we all trying to find the ideal state of mind?   All the time we spend exercising, at yoga class, fussing over appearance in order to get an approving compliment, the pursuit of sex and orgasm, that bottle of wine, its all the same. Whatever it is, I’m sure you’re working towards some ideal state that makes you feel happier than you normally do.  You’d be a zombie if you didn’t. 
I suppose there are deviant dragons and normal dragons, which is where the judgement, and my resulting need for this clarification blog comes into play.  
So, what’s your dragon?  Are you comfortable discussing it?  Honestly, I’m not, despite everything I’ve written. This blog covered some heavy topics and made me think hard about myself in the process. But after all, isn’t this why I am writing this blog?  It felt good to write this. I hope I didn't ramble too much, and that you enjoyed it as much as I did. 

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