Hypomanic Lullaby

For those of you who didn't get my Samuel L Jackson reference in my last blog:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weGZcfh8pxY 

Its the hypomanic lullaby. I'm the babe.
A friend of mine told me three times this past week to get some sleep.

Dream-Land

By a route obscure and lonely,
    Haunted by ill angels only...

http://poestories.com/read/dreamland 

I’ve been having a very Edgar Allan Poe kind of week.  A combination of nightmares, difficulty sleeping and over-indulging in TV shows with dark humor (e.g. Robot Chicken) or monsters (e.g. Face Off - Bad to the Bone/Episode 4). 

My mood music has been all Metallica as of late. I’m not a huge metal head or anything, I prefer Fiona Apple or Amy Winehouse’s style of musical expression. But Metallica has so many songs that fit my dark mood its uncanny. I referred to the Black album previously, but the St. Anger album has several songs (e.g. ‘Some Kind of Monster’ and ‘Invisible Kid’) that could have been written for me. Makes me wonder where they found their inspiration to write such work.  

I think heavy metal is largely misunderstood anyway. If people took the time to read and understand the lyrics they’d find significance, intelligence and deep meaning in there. Very comparable to the highly regarded poetry of Edgar Allan Poe or novels of Stephen King. Both Poe and King write dark and disturbing pieces but are widely accepted and appreciated by society.  Encouraged even.  

I find it confusing then that people reacted differently to my most recent dream.  A few people have stated their worries, concern and pity about the dark images in my dreams.  But how is it any different from reading and enjoying Poe’s poetry?  A&E run non-stop episodes of Criminal Minds due to popular demand, and they delve into incredibly disturbing behaviors.  Why doesn’t the audience leap from their couches, cry in outrage, demand the influences of satan be taken off TV for fear they will taint the children and send the writers off to the psychiatric hospital?  

As long as people can maintain control and perceive the difference in reality and fantasy (in other words to become delusional or psychotic), is this honestly something to worry over, or should be medicated away?  I’m not convinced.  Let’s stay calm, try enjoying my entertainment value.  

Its not wrong to explore the darker side of humanity. Its not healthy to restrict yourself to the lighter side. Peak through the rose garden, stroll down the path and just past the nursery you’ll find out where the wild things are, welcome to the jungle baby.   

I’ve always felt very comfortable discussing the dark, disturbing, deathly.  Ironically, growing up I have positive and comforting memories associated with the dark and macabre.  I lived next to a cemetery and played in it for hours on end.  I watched horror movies with my mom, she loved the classic horror genre.  The first horror flick I can remember was my mother’s favorite - Night of the Living Dead.  There were no parental controls or age restrictions on the movies my parents let me watch.  

Being a scorpio my birthday is ominously close to Halloween.  I’d have Halloween themed birthday parties where everybody came in costume. My birthday cake was decorated with black licorice and I loved it. Halloween was celebrated on the same scale as Christmas at my house.   I was even born on a Wednesday. 

Maybe now its starting to make more sense. My mood disorder, coupled with my childhood influences, has created an intriguing and unsettling form of expression. Maybe I should give writing a horror novel some serious consideration. I could do it between calls on my slow days or more fittingly, when I’m on my period for maximum effect. 

.............

While I'm playing psychologist, it might be interesting to consider another angle: dream interpretation.  Its widely accepted that dreams are how the unconscious mind attempts to make sense of the situations we are dealing with or struggling over.  Taking the dream literally may be pointless. I have to read between the lines and interpret the symbolism at work. 

While I have some belief in dream analysis, I don’t consider it an exact science by any means, take it with a grain of salt.  Its usually good for a laugh if nothing else. So I googled dream interpretation, found a few dictionaries and searched the emotions, objects and people that really stood out in the dream. I pasted them below:

Feelings of:

Anxiety - To dream that you are experiencing some anxiety in some affair, is a reflection of what you may be feeling during your waking life. You may have repressed thoughts,  unexpressed emotions, resentment, and hostility that are triggering your anxiety dream. This dream also denotes that you are disastrous mixing business with pleasure.

Despair - To dream that you are in despair, signifies that you will have many hardships and experience much cruelties in the working world. To dream that others are in despair, denotes that some friend or relative will be in great distress and find themselves in a unhappy situation.

Distress - To dream that you or others are in distress, represents worries and unhappiness in your waking life. Things will turn out better than you expected. You will find that your worries were unfounded. Perhaps the dream is telling you to lighten up.

Fear - To dream that you feel fear, indicates that your achievements will not be as successful as you had anticipated. You are experiencing anxieties in various aspects of your life. The key to overcoming your fear is to discuss them and deal with them openly. To dream that you worse fears are coming true, signifies your resistance to change. You are afraid to confront the unknown aspects of yourself.

Sadness - To dream that you are sad, suggests that you need to learn from your disappointments and just be happy. Try not to dwell on the negative. The dream may be a reflection of how you are feeling in your waking life. 

Objects/Symbols:

Millipedes - To see a centipede/millipede in your dream, suggests that you are letting your fears and doubts hinder you from making progress and achieving your goals. You need to stop thinking negative thoughts. You are experiencing a major setback in life. 

Bugs (in general) - To see a bug in your dream, suggests that you are worried about something. It is symbolic of your anxieties and/or fears. What is literally bugging you? Consider also the popular phrase "bitten by the bug" to imply your strong emotional ties or involvement to some activity/interest/hobby. Alternatively, the bug may be representative of your sexual thoughts. 

Insects (in general) - To see insects in your dream, signify minor obstacles that you

must overcome. There are small problems and annoyances that need to be dealt with. You feel that you are under attack. Or something or someone may be "bugging" or pestering you. Alternatively, insects are also said to be symbolic of precision, alertness, and sensitivity. You may need to organize your thoughts and sort out your values. Sometimes they are seen as divine messengers. 

Laboratory - To dream that you are in a laboratory, signifies that you are experimenting with your inner feelings, beliefs, and fears. You are testing yourself or some relationship. Alternatively, you may be going through some sort of transformation.

Prison/Imprisonment - To dream that you are in prison, signifies that you are being censored and not allowed to express yourself. misfortune will haunt you. To dream that someone else is in prison, signifies an aspect of yourself that you are unable to express freely.

Kidnapper - To dream of a kidnapper taking his victim, foretells of important changes in your life.

Killer - To dream of a killer represents the eradication of an important part of your emotional self. You may be at risk of losing who you truly are.  A killer in dreams may also represent the opposite; a healing time in your life is about to begin. You have recently taken the opportunity to speak up for yourself and stand up for what you believe in. This will end a situation in a dramatic manner.

Relatives/Family - To see your relatives in your dream, signify family issues or feelings. They represent some aspect of your own self. 

Necklace - To dream of a necklace symbolizes unmet needs and wants. It likewise emphasizes your intelligence and aspirations for greater authority and supremacy over others.

Station wagon - To dream of seeing or driving a station wagon reflects situations regarding your domestic life.

Funeral - To dream that you are attending someone else's funeral suggests that you are putting a past relationship where it belongs: in the past. You may be releasing negative emotions you've kept for so long.

Burial - To dream about a burial means that you have banished bad attitudes or behaviors and escaped from some negative condition. 

So there are all the pieces of the puzzle, or as many as I could remember, that could be defined in the online dream dictionaries I consulted. How do I put all these pieces together into a clear picture? Is this all a waste of time? Should I just go to bed?

OK I see a theme of releasing repressed negative emotions, struggling with family issues, struggling with doubt, life setbacks, life changes, dramatic ending, transformation and healing.  

I don’t know what to think about all this. It feels too general, too vague. I could apply those themes to most situations. 

Maybe I’m trying to explain something that doesn’t make any sense to begin with. 

Maybe I’m trying too hard. 

Maybe I just need to let it go. 

Maybe I should listen to Samuel L. Jackson and go the fuck to sleep. 

The ride of insanity

I’m going to Canada’s Wonderland next week and I’m very excited to try the scariest rides there.  I just heard about the most recent and expensive ride they opened up to the public, after much debate and speculation.  Its supposed to be the wildest craziest ride they have to offer. Its assured that all safety inspections have been passed but many still hold doubts as several dubious incidents have occurred despite staff reassurance. 

People are lining up in droves to get on, men, women and children; old and young alike, all convinced they can handle what the beast has to offer.  Once the thought has been planted in their mind, normally kind gentle people are knocking over anyone who dare stand in their way of this ride. The wait time unbearable. 

Its ability to unfailingly grip all of your senses and shock them beyond reason is the secret to its power over the common man  A heaving groaning mass roaring though dark tunnels, its speed and duration out of your control. You are at its mercy until its over, when, you’ll never be sure. It has horrible odors your nose never thought could possibly exist, squeals that knives on chalkboards envy, jolts and starts that can bring you to your knees and at the end, a narrow escape from the groping hands of an ever present lurking figure in the crowd.

Its said that once a man experiences its ride of sheer terror no one ever willingly steps aboard its rails again.  They have forever changed. The man who exits is not the same who entered.  No one ever wants to discuss this experience, much like a war vet. Feelings of despair, anxiety and ill will flood their mind, body and spirit. Those poor souls who endure the ride again for some unknown sadistic reason are often reported to have reached the brink of insanity. Surely the devil must have influenced in some way. 

It has been called, The TTC Rush Hour Train of Insanity.  Ride it if you dare. 

Bipolar Sandman

Disclaimer - this is not a very sexy blog. Its dark and deep. Different from what I've written about before. But hey, I'm bipolar, so what were you expecting? 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uY3LAFJbKyY&feature=related 

Metallica - Enter Sandman

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bg92QpjRcJk&feature=related 

Metallica - For Whom the Bell Tolls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8BRbM52gpc&feature=related

Metallica - Sad But True

I’m sorry that I haven’t answered my emails in a couple days but I had a nightmare. 

I don’t dream like a normal person does. I dream to the max, like how people in a TV commercial for diet soda are supposed to be living their lives. My dreams are intense - they spin effects on many different levels, somehow they drag in personal emotions from my real life into these spontaneous fictional situations, which are perceived by all my bodily senses.  A maximum dream. Its like I’m briefly visited by Stephen King on his way his from an Apocalyptica concert.  

This dream left me shaking, breathing heavy, unsure about what was real and riddled with anxiety.  I have not left my apt in 2 days, turned on my work phone or eaten anything besides Cheerios.  

I dreamt my cousin, Kristen (nearly my same age, spent much of my life with, who I loved dearly) was dead, her body finally found and returned to the family for proper burial.  When I woke up from the dream I had to stop myself from phoning her to make sure she was still alive. I needed to be sure.  Instead I focussed on taking some deep calming breathes, and calmed down. I checked her facebook page and saw that she was active recently and that reassured me enough to put the phone down. Easy does it. I don’t want them thinking I’m any more crazy than they already do. 

Another reason I wanted to blog about this was because many people fear that manic depressives can not control their impulsivity. This is not true. Yes, it can be a struggle but it can be managed.  I wish that more of my normal friends/clients could control their equally destructive drunken dialing episodes. 

Let me tell you about my dream. I highly recommend that you listen to Metallica’s Black album while you read. I’ve posted some links above if you don’t have it on itunes. 

..................

I had finally taken the vacation of my dreams. I was exploring an island in the South Pacific (I’m not sure which one). I had just returned from a day of tasting exotic fruit and  volcano hiking when I got the phone call that Kristen had been found. Not only had the hope that she would be found alive came to an abrupt and cruel end, but my fantasy vacation had also been robbed from me too. It never rains, it pours. 

In my dream (not in reality), she had been working as a stripper and her disappearance taken as tragic, but not surprising.  Evidently what happened to her was this - she had answered an ad to become a nanny but the person who posted the ad abducted her, tortured her and eventually killer her. Her body was found in a lab much like Josef Mengele must have had.  It was a scene out of an episode of CSI playing out in my dream.  The man responsible was not captured.  It looked like the lab had been abandoned for months. 

When I got home naturally I was upset and had to deal with other stressors in my life. It was a time when I was still at my fathers and before my diagnosis. My stepmother still hated me, and threatened that if I kept crying too much I was going to embarrass her in front of everyone at the funeral.  She pressed my father on how long I would remain a childish burden to them.  I missed Kristen so much it hurt to breathe. 

After the wake, I had to pick up my brother. I was driving an old model station wagon, specifically a 1987 Chevy Celebrity. The kind that families used before the invention of the minivan.  On the way home something grabbed my attention, I saw a man with a necklace that had to be my cousins. I knew it was hers. I just knew it. I had a chain just like it, a long delicate gold chain, with a round pendant scattered with precious gems, diamonds and sapphires. I had the same one and instantly recognized the design, felt the weight of the cool metal against the skin, felt his unease with the trinket, her aura still strong around it.  

For some reason we drove the exact same brown station wagon. I followed him to his new death lab. He kept people in cells and drawers and chains.  Some of the people he had were so starved that they hungrily ate the giant red millipedes he fed them from a brown paper bag.  And they were grateful. Nobody wore anything except for shackles made of brown leather and cool metal.  I left before I could figure out what he was doing with them. I didn’t want him to see me, and I couldn’t be late picking up my brother. All I knew was this was what my cousin had gone through all because she answered an ad because she wanted a job as a nanny because she was tired of the late hours of stripping. And don’t get caught, don’t get noticed, don’t be late. 

I left to go pick up my brother. I didn’t want to tell my father and step-mother because I didn’t think they would believe me. I knew my brother would though and I drove him to the lab.  I don’t remember much more about the dream.  I do have some sense of finality after this last part so I assume that the man was brought to justice.  Its only a dream though, so it doesn’t really matter in the end.   

............................

I feel like until today my blog has given you just one impression of me. I know this particular blog entry sounds awful, scary and terribly unsexy. Maybe there are some of you who think I may have spoiled BSW’s sexy passionate call girl image by writing it. But I’m all of these things. Its who I am. It was meant to explain, intrigue and help in its own way. 

From the beginning, this blog was meant to help me deal with how bipolar disorder affects my life.  Since this dream affected me and caused my behaviour to change for 2 days it was obviously significant and I needed to think about it.  So it was important to include this entry too.  The BSW blog is primarily for myself, but with the encouragement of a friend I thought that it would also be good to share this with others for its potential to educate, advocate and entertain. I’ve shared my bipolar sandman with you for all these reasons. I hope you can handle it, if not perhaps you should work on building up some inner strength, tougher skin and a broader mind.   Just a suggestion, nothing more. 

I see just as much ugliness in the world as I do beauty. This is probably why I try to focus so much on the goodness and beauty in life, and have chosen a job that can spread pleasure. 

I feel better now.  Writing this out in black and white has helped me digest it and I don’t feel so incapacitated by it anymore.  Its been a couple days. I think I might go for a walk,  have an ice cream and turn my phone back on. 

3 steps to more enjoyable sex

I’ve gotten several emails this week from men wanting to book an appointment with me because they want to have sex with a woman who really enjoys it.  I should’ve expected this to happen and prepared a blog covering this topic in anticipation.  No matter, I’m doing it now while thoughts are still racing through my head from the email I just sent a potential client on this very subject.  

Let me say it clearly and for all to hear:

women can and do enjoy sex as much as men

However, it is more complicated to turn a woman on, many things will turn her off and there are times when its just not going to happen, so pick your time wisely.  Because of these numerous variables women tend to enjoy sex less than men, even though they are capable of enjoying it. The difference is subtle but important. 

I, BSW, am an incredibly sensual being. So many aspects of my life are centered around it. My disorder often makes me hypersexual, my zodiac sign is ruled by genitals, and I work as a call girl, so I’ve had lots of time to learn, experiment and practice.  I know a lot about sex.  But I haven’t learned it all. 

I have 3 lessons to offer men to help make sex more enjoyable for both partners. 

Lesson 1.  Foreplay

We all know that women are very different from men.  

Although men know that women are different, men insist on fucking women as if they were men.  

That right there is your problem.  Take a minute to let that sink in. 

Let me explain some of the differences just in case you were absent that day in school:

- Men are visual creatures who react easily to stimulation of a minimal number of the bodily senses (sight, touch, taste, hear, smell). Once aroused he is capable of reaching orgasm within minutes if the environment is receptive. 

- Women on the other hand require more indepth foreplay to become aroused - in other words you need to do things that stimulate more than one of her senses. The more senses stimulated the hornier she’ll get. 

Men make the first killer assumption here, early in foreplay. There is not enough effort put into foreplay.  He assumes that since his cock is now hard, she must be aroused as he is.  Time to fuck.  Sorry to say so boys, but its not time to fuck yet. Well, not if you want to fuck a woman who will really enjoy this particular session with you. Don’t skip over the foreplay and expect her panties to be soaked through. 

You need to put time and effort into foreplay to get her revved up. Target each sense somehow. Here are some suggestions:

1. Visual - dim the lights, dress to impress her, clean/tidy the room
2. Taste - sip on wine, nibble on chocolate, lick honey off something
3. Feel - slowly caress her skin, massage; beard stubble hurts her soft skin, jagged fingernails are sharp
4. Hear - R&B sets the mood, play her fav CD, tell her how wonder this moment is
5. Smell - always freshen your breath if you want her to enjoy kissing you. Coffee gives you bad breath. Too much cologne is oppressive. Take a shower.  

I often ask clients to bring a bottle of wine if they feel so inclined. I’m not sure if they understand just how powerful sharing a bottle of wine with a lover is.  I don’t drink wine to get drunk, or to calm my nerves.  In the hands of the right man it is the ultimate aphrodisiac. I can tell how good a lover a man is by the way he drinks his wine. 

Drinking wine is a ritual, the pop of the cork, the clink of the glasses, the possibilities implied in the toast, the arousal of the senses with just one taste, wondering what those lips would taste like... it whets the appetite for what lies ahead.  I call tell how he’s going to touch my body the way he grips his glass. If he slowly sips and enjoys the drink, he’ll savor her that same way. Men who guzzle wine do not enjoy all it has to offer. He’s going to do the same with you. Guzzlers will not provide enjoyable sex. 

A good lover sees the same beauty in a bouquet of roses as the bad lover does. Upon seeing the one pleasing visual stimulus the bad lover is satisfied and leaves.  A good lover wants to fully enjoy the experience, so instead of moving on he stops to smell the roses, feel the delicacy of the petals, hear it rustle in the wind - that’s savoring beauty, that’s how to ensure both partners enjoy sex. 

For a woman to really enjoy sex she has to tap into and arouse her senses. Foreplay is crucial.  When she can relax, enjoy the food, drink and conversation without restraint, then she's going to enjoy being fucked by the man, as much as she enjoys chocolate. 

It takes longer and more effort to turn a woman on than a man. Men dedicate 20min to sex immediately after getting through the door and are confused when the poor girl can't reach orgasm.  If the man is abrupt, rushed, lazy or boring the sex will suck. No wonder she'd rather go to the spa and be massaged. That's why women don't enjoy sex.  We're very capable of enjoying sex like men do. But few partners care enough to make the extra effort when its so easy for them to cum. 

So fuck her like the woman she is, not the man you are.

Lesson 2. The little details are very important

There’s no right or wrong way to have sex. Everybody is different.  You just have to be observant, feel what she leans into or pulls away from, listen for a change in her breathing or moaning, feel when she’s wet and remember what you just did! 

Here’s a list of some things that can make/break her mood:

• be confident, its sexy
• accept your bodies as beautiful
• be curious but respectful, ask first
• be sober - be aware of how your penis reacts to drugs/alcohol
• communicate
• don’t assume things
• go the bathroom if you have to, you’ll feel better
• try new things
• play with mirrors, I have a wall of mirrors in my bedroom
• try new toys
• talk dirty, or learn when to be quiet
• have sexy undies, lingerie
• turn down the phone, she is your priority 

Lesson 3.  Understanding her motivation

Men and women are very different, both physically and mentally.  Even if you know how to turn a woman on, her head still has to be in the game or its futile.  Men need to understand the reasons women have sex with men to make it better. 

• Men fuck because they are horny due to their biological urge to procreate. 99% of the time this is a man’s motivating force

• Women fuck for this same reason, but its not with the same frequency.  Probably 35% of the sex she has is because she’s horny.
• Most of the time (65%) women fuck strategically, instead of pure pleasure.  Pussy is very powerful because there is a greater demand for sex then there is supply. If women were as horny as men there would be no prostitution or wives withholding sex to get their way because pussy would lose its superior value. 
• If the woman is fucking for strategic purposes (e.g. earn money, secure her relationships, escape from a sticky situation, gain access/info, disarm a threat, manipulate a situation) its not going to be something that she really wants to be doing.  Sex can be used as a tool for women.  Men are usually so horny they’re oblivious or don’t care.  Its enjoyable to him, but to her its a job to execute, and real desire will be tempered because aspects of the situation need to be controlled and the goal kept in focus.   She needs to be convincing to be effective but she knows its too risky to fully give in. It won’t be her most enjoyable sex as she’s leashed to something more important. 

Don’t be discouraged though.  She’s probably not going to have her most enjoyable sex here because its work, not passion.  But if you recognize what’s happening, discover her motivation for having sex with you, you can re-gain some control and use it to get the most out of what she can offer. 

A simple example is the prostitute. She’s there for money and generally the more you have to offer her the more sexual acts can be done.  An intern, like Monica Lewinsky gratifies her boss for work place advancement, the more ambitious the better.  Your wife will do it so she can keep her marriage secure, probably no greek there. 

So if she’s not fucking because she’s horny, try to figure out why she’s really fucking you and then you have some power to push the sex to a higher level.  Its not going to be the intense passionate sex where both of you enjoy it fully and completely, but at least you can improve upon it. 

---

I hope those 3 topics help you out in some way. Sure, women can be confusing and manipulating, but men are equally lazy, selfish and ignorant.  You’ll get out of sex what you put into it. If you master foreplay, notice the little things, and find a partner who wants sex for the right reasons then it will be much more enjoyable for both of you. 

What are you waiting for? Go get the wine, dim the lights and grab the body butter. You’ve got some enjoyable sex ahead of you!

Coping with stress - the manly way

Stress management is one of the most important things that can be done to temper the impact of bipolar disorder (BD).  

I’ll quickly review a few key points here - people diagnosed with BD have a genetic tendency to overproduce the chemical hormones that are responsible for regulating stress.   This is why stress can trigger bipolar episodes (stress = hormonal imbalances = brain short-circuiting).  Anything that can reduce stress or help cope with stress would be therapeutic (e.g. may reduce frequency, severity, duration of episodes).  

Here are some common ways to reduce stress:

• eat a healthy diet
• exercise
• get 8 hrs sleep each night
• reduce intake of stimulants/depressants, e.g. drugs, alcohol, caffeine
• do not smoke
• pray, meditate, do yoga
• laugh, hug, smile more
• have sex
• other various things that you enjoy...

I’m sure you’ve heard it all before. Boring....moving right along...

I think I do pretty good preventing minor stress in my life. However, not all stress can be prevented (e.g. death, divorce, deceit) and has to be coped with in some way. It wasn’t until I was sitting in my doctors office this morning that it hit me. I have only ever used one method to deal with all the stress in my life, regardless of its nature. I have been trained to think like a scientist. Convinced that the best way to deal with stress was to always face it head on, discuss it, understand it, fix it. As I’ve come to discover, this is a great strategy for physical stress but not emotional stress.  I tried to fix every single emotional stress in my life by confronting, picking apart and forcing the issue. I was completely convinced this was the best and only way to do it. Whenever it didn’t work it was because the other person was obviously the problem, it was never me. I gotta laugh at it now.  Well fuck me.  No wonder so many episodes (not all severe) were triggered by fights with family/friends. I was blinded by my stubborn grandiose thoughts. 

I didn’t know any other way.  I kept forcing logical reasoning on emotional issues that were illogical. That makes a lot of sense.  Now I’m sitting in my GPs office, yes, the BSW is asking a man of science how to cope with emotional conflicts before she goes insane.  This is when the proverbial other shoe drops:  I don’t think my emotions developed in a healthy normal way, like an average child because I was bullied quite bad at school (gr. 7-12), and in a more subtler way by my father at home. I isolated myself from most people to avoid being picked on by the bullies. I built a wall around myself and didn’t make many friends. Its the reason I feel so comfortable being alone and am so independent. Its a fabulous combination of traits for a call girl. I think its another significant reason why I enjoy escorting.  

The irony of it is not lost on me. Men now pay hundreds of dollars for the privilege of spending an hour with me, but in high school I was constantly rejected. My escort work has been such a positive influence in my life. It builds self-esteem, confidence, positive body image and improving social skills. I wish more people could understand this wonderful side of prostitution. Its empowering.

Finally, FINALLY!, the full picture came into view. Until now I didn’t understand that these 2 things (1. constantly and inappropriately forcing a logical solution on an emotional problem; and 2. poorly-developed emotional/social skills) had such a strong impact on my ability (or should I say lacking ability ) to cope with emotional stress.

OMG, am I emotionally retarded?  Perhaps emotionally illiterate or stunted would be more appropriate. 

No wonder emotional stress always exacerbated my bipolar disorder. I have poor emotional development, lacking many of the coping strategies everybody else has.   Huh, how about that?! 

So now what?

I asked my GP some of the most basic questions that afternoon. How does he deal with emotional conflict? How does the average guy cope with a girlfriend in PMS? Honestly, I don’t know how to deal with these situations.   

He then explained to me how to think through emotional problems like a man, remembering only the letter ‘A’. 

There were 3 coping strategies: 1) Alcohol, 2) Avoid or 3) Accept.  

Apparently its just that simple. This could be the best advice I’ve ever been given in my entire life. 

Instead of trying to fix all the stress in my life, I need to learn when to just let it go before it drives me insane.  

Doctor’s orders. 

Yes, leave it to a manic depressive to declare she’s discovered the solution to the biggest problem in her life at 5am. Now I shall finish my wine in celebration. It is the first A in my new stress management program.

Welcome to my world!

Pondering stress, cortisol and drunken sailor syndrome

I read a really interesting report linking cortisol (the chemical controlling stress in our body) and bipolar disorder (BD):  

http://journals.cambridge.org/action/displayAbstract?fromPage=online&aid=8267925&fulltextType=RA&fileId=S0033291711000523

In a nutshell, the article found that people who were diagnosed with BD had higher sensitivity to stress and tended to produce significantly more cortisol than people without BD.  This makes sense to me as my triggers have always been caused by intense stress. My first episode occurred when my parents divorced.  Next when I moved away for grad school and had social integration issues. And again when I eventually dropped out of grad school.  The death of my step-father, and most recently, the huge fight I had with my biological father.  I think its important to note that all 5 of these episode inducing stressors were emotional, not physical or environmental, in origin. 

If my brain has a natural genetic tendency to produce too much cortisol, then my ability to deal with stress will likely be negatively impacted, resulting in the severe mood swings I experience.  That makes sense. 

To help reduce stress in my life I have adopted a healthy lifestyle.  I exercise daily, participate in recreational sports twice a week, eat healthy foods and try to avoid personal conflicts as much as possible.  Besides certain aspects of my escort work (which I really do enjoy most of the time, e.g. orgasms are good for relieving stress), I live a really healthy lifestyle which should help me deal with stress.  Since I have difficulty taking long term medications its important for me to make a proactive and sustained effort in this area. 

There are some things about stress and its affect on me that I am still confused about though. I am a bit of an adrenaline junkie, and considering my genetic predisposition regarding cortisol and stress, I wonder if my thrill seeking habits are detrimental to my mental health.  For instance, I love competitive team sports, scuba diving with sharks, ice-climbing in winter, hiking up volcanos, so on and so forth.  Surely these activities must significantly increase my cortisol levels. 

Come to think of it, I realize that I react differently to the 2 types of stress (physical vs emotional). Physical stress I manage quite well.  For example, I discovered just how far I could push my body physically under both physical and environmental stress when I did my divemaster training. I am able to objectify, compartmentalize and break down into tasks what I need to do to handle/neutralize the physical stressor. I surprised myself with just how calm, cool and collected I am when surrounded by sharks, or when I’m searching for the valve on my air tank while holding my breath at 10m depth without the visual aid of my face mask.  I trained well, think positive and complete tasks.  I think I am good at problem solving because it is something that can be learned.  I can apply logical thinking to these kind of stressors. I have a scientific mind evident in the fact that I have a Bachelor of Science degree with Honours.  My mind craves and excels in scientific exploration, which I apply to getting through thrill seeking adventures.  I’m just like Indiana Jones or Lara Croft.  Seriously, I’ve worked on projects in Europe, Africa and SE Asia before becoming an escort. 

Emotional stress on the other hand, I simply can not handle. Let me try to explain... Normally people have a coping mechanism to manage an emotional stressor, which in turn causes the neurotransmitters in their healthy brains to re-adjust to normal levels. The bipolar brain lacks the mechanism to control the neuro-transmitted chemical hormones in the brain evoked by certain stressors. It begins to overload, short-circuit (e.g. swing into an episode) and given time could even induce a network crash (e.g. hospitalization).  

Gives a certain insight into the use of ECT (shock therapy) for mental illness doesn’t it?? I’ve never had ECT just in case you were wondering. Its not a primary treatment for BD anymore, it tends to be employed only for severe cases when all drug therapy options have been exhausted. 

Reflecting on my past personal relationships, where intense emotional stress has occurred (e.g. death of a love one, family conflict, rejection, deceit and betrayal), I typically have nasty downward spirals. Just like in the cartoons where a snowball rolls downhill growing bigger and faster the longer it goes until it crashes. 

I try to solve all stress using logic but as most men will telI you, emotions are hard to understand because they often make no sense at all - they are illogical. I’m like a cross between a Vulcan and a Klingon.  I expect my male readers will give me a little sympathy in this regard!  Maybe I should seek advice from men in this regard. How do men handle their girlfriends during PMS? What coping strategies do men employ when they are emotionally attacked? I mean besides punching them in the face. As tempting as that is it will probably just add to my list of problems. 

For the longest time I blamed these emotional meltdowns and their resulting mood swings, on being a woman and a scorpio. It was the only thing that made sense. But now I realize that its probably due to this suspected cortisol imbalance, among other neurally transmitted hormones, which cause bipolar disorder.    

Now that I think about it, I tend to react to emotional stressors like someone who is completely loaded drunk.  You know that drunken over-reactive, loud, hyper-sensitive, assumptive, crying uncontrollably type of reaction people have when arguing drunk? That’s what it reminds me of. Mess with my emotions bad enough and I turn into the proverbial drunken sailor: 

Oh what do you do with a drunken sailor, 

what do you do with a drunken sailor, 

what do you do with a drunken sailor, 

early in the morning?  

You can’t reason with someone that is drunk or high. Its futile, forget it. You just have to wait until they sober up. That’s kinda what its like dealing with someone having a bipolar episode. Manics reason like a meth head, and depressives use drunken logic. The shitty thing is that bipolars need alot of time and help to sober up.  Take an aspirin and call me in the morning? Not quite, try taking lithium and call me in a month, and keep doing it for the rest of your life.  

Whoa. Stop. See what I’m doing here? I’m trying to apply logic to explain this situation. I’ve gone off on what’s an interesting, amusing and, hopefully, sensible tangent that I’m passionate and sometimes emotional about.  Its OK though b/c it might help to explain some common bipolar behaviour that normal people don't understand.

I’m going to re-focus this blog now before it spirals out of control.   See, I can recognize it. 

There are a couple things that have been going through my mind since reading that article linking cortisol and bipolar disorder.  

  

1. I wonder if there is a specific cortisol inhibiting drug that I could take when I have to deal with emotional stress?  I bet that could potentially stabilize my mood swings. Exactly which hormones do popular mood stabilizing drugs like lithium or valproate affect? 
2. Why is it only emotional stress (not physical stress) that trigger my episodes? From what I’ve read there is no difference between the body’s response to physical stress as compared to emotional stress. Apparently it produces the same hormones in response to stress regardless of its nature.  E.g. there are no specific emotional stress hormones or physical stress hormones, essentially cortisol is the multitasking stress hormone.  

I hope the authors of this aforementioned article continue to explore this topic of research. There is so much yet to learn about bipolar disorder.   In particular, the effects of emotional stress on the brain and how to manage it. 

It could help the world be a little less crazy. 

God explained

I thought this was funny and worth sharing.  I have to admit, its hard to argue with the logic.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/god-diagnosed-with-bipolar-disorder,348/

Screw Compliance

So here I am again.  I have decided to stop taking my medication, Abilify.  More accurately I decided to stop taking my meds last Friday after my vision got so blurry that I decided not to go to my friends ultimate party - an event that I was looking forward to for months, an epic event not to be missed, that would be spoken of for weeks to come - because I could not make out their faces and I felt confused, scared, angry, frustrated and ashamed of this.  I went to bed at 10pm and hoped that my phone would remain mercifully silent. I do not need this anxiety thieving my quality of life. 

After that incident I decided that was enough.  It had a significant impact on my quality of life which was not an option that could be sacrificed for the cause.  I isolate myself enough as is due to my escort work that when I finally take a weekend off I still chose to hide away. No, this small social life that I have is too important to me to sacrifice. The tendency manic depressives have to isolate is not healthy and this could potentially lead to aggravation. 

I did not make this decision lightly.  I have been thinking about how long I wanted to take this medication for since the side effects first started.  I tried to ride them out, thinking I might get used to them or perhaps they would even go away in time, which happens with many patients.  However, they only worsened with time. Typical for me it appears. 

I still have faith in Abilify though. I’m not writing it off like I did with the other anti-psychotic med Seroquel, aka. the zombifier.  It undoubtably helped me through an acute episode of agitated depression, where the symptoms of the episode were definitely much worse than the side effects of treatment. If I have another mixed or manic episode I would definitely consider taking this medication for short term help.  I still have a 2 week supply which is going in my mental health first aid kit, along with my clonazepam and a flask of vodka.  The lithium and seroquel I threw away, I was so disgusted with them.  When I agreed to give lithium another chance my GP asked me if I had any left from my first round.    I looked him straight in the face and said I threw it all out one day when I was having a raging cleaning fit.  We both burst out laughing b/c its so typical for a manic depressive to do that. 

The main obstacle I had to determining an appropriate length of treatment was deciding when I was actually through the episode.  Since I was feeling good and functioning normally on the medication at this point I had no real way to determine if it was due to the meds, or if the episode had run its natural course.  The problem is that every episode is unique. It could last days, weeks or months. Its the nature of the beast. 

From my past experience I’ve found that it was acceptable to go off medication therapy after 2 conditions were met: 

1. I had been symptom free and stable for a defined amount of time
2. The triggers that instigated the attack had been dealt with/mitigated and a support network was in place. I would be returning to a safe zone, a happier healthier place than before.      

I discussed all this with my GP before making my informed decision to quit.  From the data he found people taking Abilify for bipolar disorder were OK to discontinue use after being symptom free for a minimum of 6 weeks.  I had been clear for 2 months now so it seemed the first condition had been met.  

The second condition is more complicated and can only be achieved to a certain point. My trigger has always been significant emotional stress (I’m willing to bet that improved management of my likely higher than normal cortisol levels - the hormone that regulates reactions to stress - would really benefit my mood stability).  In reality, its nearly impossible to eliminate all emotional stress from our lives, but coping strategies can be applied, arguments worked out diplomatically, those sorts of things.

  

I have come to realize that my father has been a recurring trigger for me, and has only created negativity in my life.  I made the extremely difficult decision to cut all ties with him in order to preserve my sanity, seriously.  There is obviously more to this story than I’m prepared to include in this blog so bear with me.  There comes a point in ones life when you have to look hard at where the sources of stress and joy are coming from, especially when they make you seriously ill.  I could find no joy or love from my father. He was selfish, lazy and continually hurt me by constantly dismissing my needs for his. He only cared for me when it was convenient for him. Despite this, I have finally learned to love myself and refuse to let him keep doing this to me, especially when I had other sources of joy and unconditional love that I should be focussing on.  

After cutting the paternal ties that emotionally bludgeoned me I felt as if a crushing weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I have no regrets.  In my quest to be healthy I have surrounded myself with loving and nurturing people who are more deserving of my time.  I can not thank my mother enough for her support.  She is the best long term medical therapy I can have.  I found the strength to make my decision in her.  Years ago she decided to cut him out of her life as well, it showed me that its important to take care of yourself and your family first. 

Long story short, the 2 conditions were met and the side effects were now intolerable.  Time to stop the meds. I declare the agitated depression officially over and am mentally healthy again. Hooray! Screw compliance. Does this sound like someone who is ambivalent towards taking steps towards mood stabilization? Hardly.  

My next doctors appt is in 2 days and I’ll be discussing this with him further.  We’ll have to work on a monitoring and contingency plan I expect.  

- Brave New World -

So here I am facing the world again without chemical intervention.  But I am not ill prepared.  I have gained even more experience from this most recent battle. I have a firm grasp on what my triggers are, what my behavioural symptoms include (my warning signs basically), a support network of friends and family to slap me up side the head as needed, a mental health first aid kit, and a fabulous GP who will help me with medical intervention without judging me (I’ve had some bad doctors in the past which will be the discussion of a future blog I will assure you). I feel confident and secure that I can handle my mental illness to a large extent. I fully expect there to be times when I need medication again, but accepting this and planning for it is truly half the battle.  I don’t expect it to be completely smooth sailing for the BSW but who’s life ever is?  

The bipolar scorpio call girl - Part 2 of 2: Chasing the hypomanic dragon

After some thought, I think it might be a good idea to fully explain why I used the phrase ‘chasing the hypomanic dragon’.  I don’t want anybody to think I have a serious drug problem, especially going on to quote Charlie Sheen on winning, lol!  Hence Part 2. 

I referred to chasing the dragon for a specific reason: it is strongly associated with drug abuse. But I want to reassure my readers that I am not a drug addict (I will admit to recreational drug use however).  In my thoughts, this phrase emphasizes the parallel between hypomania and getting high.  But its actually about those feel good hormones. For anyone who’s ever used recreational drugs or played competitive sports you’ll understand how desirable that mental state can be. Its about the endorphins released when a chase is rewarded by a goal. Its this chase, this seduction of a high that I want to emphasize.   

Hypomania is like being high, but not so high that you’re hallucinating or delusional (that would be mania or psychosis).  To define hypomania - its basically a milder form of mania. The need for sleep is reduced, yet still being energetic, talkative, racing thoughts, increased sexuality and shopping tendencies but not having these symptoms negatively interfere with your life, work and personal relationships (which would be full mania). It can be difficult to clearly define. Its only slightly crazy; a cool, tolerable, interesting and fun crazy.  Its feeling like you just scored the game winning touchdown. Or sparking up a joint. Pouring the champagne.  Sweet. 

The drug metaphor is not completely out of place here, as bipolar disorder is actually a biochemical reaction occurring in the brain, much like the effect of a drug.  Both drug and bipolar disorder disrupt neurotransmitters in the brain, thereby affecting the levels of certain chemicals (e.g. serotonin - the feel good hormone) in the body which in turn affect our mood, thoughts and behavior.  Bipolar disorder is essentially a naturally occurring drug reaction in my body which can not always be predicted or explained.    

While doctors don’t know what causes bipolar disorder there has been much research done in an attempt to explain what happens in the brain during bipolar episodes.  They’ve pinpointed 5 main chemicals that: 1) Dopamine, 2) GABA, 3) Glutamate, 4) Norepinephrine, 5) Serotonin.  Whenever something happens to disrupt the neurotransmission of these chemicals there are emotional and/or behavioral consequences, e.g. a mood swing.  Dopamine controls movements and balance, GABA controls calmness, Glutamine controls excitability, Norepinephrine controls stress and Serotonin controls not just happiness but also sleep and memory.   

Ever notice when you’re high your balance and coordination is off? That’s because the drug you’re using is affecting your dopamine transmission.  You calm down and chill out?  That would be a change in norepinephrine level. You feel really happy? That’s an increase in serotonin.  A bipolar episode has a significant change in usually 3 of these, much like the effect of getting high on a few different drugs instead of just one.  

Let’s use serotonin for an indepth example.  We commonly know it as the feel good hormone.  Naturally we all want to feel good, this is why drugs that increase serotonin, both street and pharmaceutical level, are abused.  Amphetamines, cocaine, LSD, ecstasy, codeine, fentanyl are just a few examples. If you’re depressed (e.g. unipolar or suffering from major depressive disorder) there’s a good chance you’re being prescribed an SSRI (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor) such as Prozac, Paxil or Zoloft.  These drugs primarily make you feel happy by preventing serotonin from being reabsorbed, thus increasing the total amount of it in your brain (the more the merrier!).

It sounds like an easy solution to cure bipolar depression as well, however, manic depressives are much too sensitive to altered levels of neurotransmitters and tend to overreact to these class of drugs.  From my personal experience when I took Zoloft and Effexor I went into full blown mania. This is not untypical of bipolars.  Generally anti-depressives work, in a sense, too well on bipolars and are thus not appropriate. Its often how most bipolars are finally diagnosed after years of unrecognized episodes.    

Alas I digress. So to make my point, anybody who’s ever taken any of these drugs, or was recommended to by their doctor, understand what its like to experience a significant change in Serotonin levels. High levels feel good and can be addictive. Low levels feel melancholic and can be life-threatening. This is a simplified explanation of what is happening in the brain of a manic depressive.  Now imagine if this is happening on up to 5 different levels with varying intensity.  That’s why manic depressives act the way they do.  

As I just outlined, there is a scientific explanation to it. This is why bipolars can’t just snap out of it. We’re in a chemically induced state, one that can not just be voluntarily snapped out of anymore than cancer or diabetes can. We don’t know why this happens. Its not fair. But we have to deal with it. So give us a break. 

Hopefully you’re still with me, and I’ve explained this somewhat clearly, because I think this is the reason I modify my behavior in an attempt to get my brain to a hypomanic state. Its the porridge thats just right. And I’m Goldilocks trying to navigate my way through it all. Its just the right balance of these 5 chemicals that feels sooooo good to me.  I’m constantly performing a juggling act with diet, exercise, drugs, alcohol and people in order to achieve this state.  This is my dragon.  Its my beast, burden and saviour.  Its why I act the way I do. Its probably the main reason I’m a call girl and a damn good one... most of the time anyway.   

Before you judge me, take a long hard look at yourself, and I mean this is a non-accusatory way. Aren’t we all trying to find the ideal state of mind?   All the time we spend exercising, at yoga class, fussing over appearance in order to get an approving compliment, the pursuit of sex and orgasm, that bottle of wine, its all the same. Whatever it is, I’m sure you’re working towards some ideal state that makes you feel happier than you normally do.  You’d be a zombie if you didn’t. 

I suppose there are deviant dragons and normal dragons, which is where the judgement, and my resulting need for this clarification blog comes into play.  

So, what’s your dragon?  Are you comfortable discussing it?  Honestly, I’m not, despite everything I’ve written. This blog covered some heavy topics and made me think hard about myself in the process. But after all, isn’t this why I am writing this blog?  It felt good to write this. I hope I didn't ramble too much, and that you enjoyed it as much as I did.